"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you..."
So it's been a year. I honestly can't figure out where the last year went, and I guess I'm grateful that I kept busy enough and surrounded myself with so much love and laughter that the year disappeared right before my eyes. Sometimes my life with Tim seems so far away- like a movie that I watched and loved some time ago and I can't remember the title (typical). Other times, it feels like yesterday when we were sharing our lives together and I have to remind myself that's he been gone from here for a whole year. I still think about him all the time, and thankfully they are good memories that float through my head. Except today. Except this day, when I was woken up by the nurse and Tim's parents to tell me that "Today's the day." I hate August 14th for that reason. Because August 14th marks the day that I lost hope, that it was apparent to me that I couldn't save Tim, and that we would now have to live our lives without him present. August 14th is a day that I should be hiding under the covers. But that's not me, and it never was. I faced my grief head-on. I didn't run from it. I didn't hide from it. I let myself swim in it. And I didn't drown.
Thankfully, I can stand here today as... happy. And thanks to all of you, who have shared your love, support, tears, hugs, kindness, and laughter with me, I'm able to be a whole person again. Rachel told me the other week that after seeing some photos of me online, that I looked... happy. Like Normal Jessica happy. With a sparkle back in my eye and a smile that isn't forced. It was one of the best compliments that I could have received. I've been trying very hard to find peace and happiness in my life and I think I've found a good place. The constant sunshine doesn't hurt- you can't help but wonder at life's beauty when you live in a place like this.
Tim will always have a special place in my life and in my heart. He was encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, and made me a much stronger and secure individual. Because of him, I know who I am and what I want out of this life. Because of him, I have learned perspective. Because of him, I have been able to offer my time and energy to this community to help continue his fight. And because of him, I have learned the true meaning of love- what it feels like, and how hard you fight for it.
I will never be able to repay everything you all have done for me over this last year. I can only hope that I can be half the friend you have been to me and I would not be standing here a happy and sane person without you. Thank you. Times one million. Times infinity.
XO, Jess
All Who Remain- Beware of Darkness
Tell the one above he’s a criminal
For taking and giving life like marble candy
Everything collapses around me
Overwhelms and astounds me
A Terrible Truth
When you leave this life, the world will be a darker place for
All Who Remain
The light you gave the human race will go away…
I see you every time that I close my eyes
I Hum every lullaby that you used to sing
You never know the last time you’ll see someone
So give them all of your love
Cause they’ll disappear
When you leave this life. the world will be a darker place for
All Who Remain
The light you gave the human race will go away…
If I can’t have you in this life
Then I don’t want this life at all
Cause there’s nothing in this broken world
That I’ll ever love as much
I called and I called you never picked up
I cried and I cried but you never woke up
You died and you died without asking me first
You left me all alone here on Earth
When you leave this life the world will be a darker place for
All Who Remain
All Who Remain- Beware of Darkness
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Sleeping To Dream.
"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before..."
After the happiness and hustle of my birthday finally died down, life started to settle again. And when life settles, and I don't have a million things to do, or a million people to talk to, I can feel that hole in my heart where Tim's life used to be. I had a rough week last week. I should have written about it, but I wasn't in the mood. I was on the brink of tears for 5 days straight- I was emotional, fragile, sensitive to everything. I was crying at every television show, commercial, song, and movie preview. I was petrified my roommate was going to come home and find me sobbing on the couch after the season finale of The Vampire Diaries (which Tim graciously nicknamed The Vagina Diaries). I was a mess last week. I missed Tim uncontrollably. When I get angry and sad at the same time, I always yell out the same thing- "Why did you leave me here?!" I'm well aware he didn't leave me here by choice. But even surrounded by a million people can make me feel so alone.
I sometimes fear that I will be alone in this world and that no one will want to date the girl with the montage of her dead boyfriend on her wall. No one will want to date the girl that can't let go of the past and holds tightly to its wonderful memories. No one will want to date the girl that listens for their heartbeat at night because that's the way she knows they are alive. No one will want to date the girl that cringes when she sees pill bottles and Fruit Punch Gatorade. I can only hope that the universe, and Tim, will send me someone that will see the girl that Tim did. The girl that fights for him. The girl that stands by his side. The girl that never gives up hope, never gives up on love, and never stops seeing the light.
I just feel like our memories are slowly slipping away and I'm grasping so hard to keep them here. I'm the only one left of the two of us that can remember that we did indeed share these moments- that we lived in this little one bedroom apartment, that I came home to him every day and curled up in his arms, that we took little adventures, that I cooked meals every night. Moments are starting to blur and I'm trying to do anything I can to stop it. I only wish that when I sleep, I could revisit these memories. Or at least his face. Just to say hi. And to remember what it felt like to be loved by him.
After the happiness and hustle of my birthday finally died down, life started to settle again. And when life settles, and I don't have a million things to do, or a million people to talk to, I can feel that hole in my heart where Tim's life used to be. I had a rough week last week. I should have written about it, but I wasn't in the mood. I was on the brink of tears for 5 days straight- I was emotional, fragile, sensitive to everything. I was crying at every television show, commercial, song, and movie preview. I was petrified my roommate was going to come home and find me sobbing on the couch after the season finale of The Vampire Diaries (which Tim graciously nicknamed The Vagina Diaries). I was a mess last week. I missed Tim uncontrollably. When I get angry and sad at the same time, I always yell out the same thing- "Why did you leave me here?!" I'm well aware he didn't leave me here by choice. But even surrounded by a million people can make me feel so alone.
I sometimes fear that I will be alone in this world and that no one will want to date the girl with the montage of her dead boyfriend on her wall. No one will want to date the girl that can't let go of the past and holds tightly to its wonderful memories. No one will want to date the girl that listens for their heartbeat at night because that's the way she knows they are alive. No one will want to date the girl that cringes when she sees pill bottles and Fruit Punch Gatorade. I can only hope that the universe, and Tim, will send me someone that will see the girl that Tim did. The girl that fights for him. The girl that stands by his side. The girl that never gives up hope, never gives up on love, and never stops seeing the light.
I just feel like our memories are slowly slipping away and I'm grasping so hard to keep them here. I'm the only one left of the two of us that can remember that we did indeed share these moments- that we lived in this little one bedroom apartment, that I came home to him every day and curled up in his arms, that we took little adventures, that I cooked meals every night. Moments are starting to blur and I'm trying to do anything I can to stop it. I only wish that when I sleep, I could revisit these memories. Or at least his face. Just to say hi. And to remember what it felt like to be loved by him.
Sleeping To Dream- Jason Mraz
I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.
And I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What a beautiful sight
[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so damn tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair well you were everywhere out there
But I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere
And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep
[Repeat Chorus]
It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired
[Repeat Chorus]
Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.
And I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What a beautiful sight
[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so damn tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired
I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair well you were everywhere out there
But I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere
And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep
[Repeat Chorus]
It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired
[Repeat Chorus]
Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Young Blood.
"Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old..."
I moved into a new decade of my life last week- I turned 30. Which apparently is a big deal, though I don't feel any different. Except maybe more loved. A little more alive. A tiny bit more happy. 29 was a rough year. Being embraced and welcomed into the world of 30 gives me hope that "the best is yet to come". I'm optimistic that the universe will give me something now to look forward to. To be happy about. To wake up smiling about. I'm kind of hoping the universe will take care of me for a little while. At least until I'm 95-97% up and running again. But, the universe is "not a wish-granting factory". It will still probably throw me a curve ball every now and again, and knock me down, and slam doors in my face. I'm resilient, though. I'm strong. And now, I'm 30, so I can kick its ass.
30 is a fresh start, a fresh decade to put my footprint in. It's a small step toward a new life, a new happiness, a new Jess. Living in San Diego, with its endless sunshine, endless activities, endless amazing food, has opened up the world for me and shown me endless possibilities. I know I say it all the time- but I LOVE it here. I love living here. I love everything about it. I literally wake up every morning and think about how much I love living here. Yes, I've totally become a snob about living here, and I love it so much, that I don't even care! Sarabeth and I literally ask each other every week, "Can you believe that we live here?!" I will say my bank account doesn't love living here- but hey, you can't take it with you. Or as Sophia Vergara said the other night on Seth Meyers, "I can't be buried with all my American Dollars". Exactly. I can't be buried with all my American Dollars, so I'm living by her rules.
I thought my birthday would be harder to face than Tim's birthday was. I was expecting to be sad, maybe depressed about the fact that he wasn't here. I ended up having a REALLY amazing birthday, surrounded by the people that I love, getting wishes, phone calls, flowers, presents, cards, and love from all over the country. It was seriously amazing. I have never felt more happy, more loved, or more alive than I did on my 30th birthday.
I wasn't as much as a mess as I thought I would be. I thought about Tim all day, as I usually do, but I didn't think about him in a sad way. Now, I think about our happy moments, about how happy we made each other, about how much we loved each other, and about all the great things that we did with our lives together. It's much easier for me to think about us in happy ways, rather than sad ways. Because who wants to be depressed all the time about something they can't change? I will say I'm continuously haunted by my 29th birthday card that he gave me. I even mentioned it in the speech I gave at his funeral- those little 10 words will stay with me for the rest of my life- "keep keeping me alive. I kind of like it here." (Also, Grandma Carly gets a shout out). Also, it says Happy 30th-1. I, of course, had to have him explain why he put Happy 30th on the card when I turned 29.
I moved into a new decade of my life last week- I turned 30. Which apparently is a big deal, though I don't feel any different. Except maybe more loved. A little more alive. A tiny bit more happy. 29 was a rough year. Being embraced and welcomed into the world of 30 gives me hope that "the best is yet to come". I'm optimistic that the universe will give me something now to look forward to. To be happy about. To wake up smiling about. I'm kind of hoping the universe will take care of me for a little while. At least until I'm 95-97% up and running again. But, the universe is "not a wish-granting factory". It will still probably throw me a curve ball every now and again, and knock me down, and slam doors in my face. I'm resilient, though. I'm strong. And now, I'm 30, so I can kick its ass.
30 is a fresh start, a fresh decade to put my footprint in. It's a small step toward a new life, a new happiness, a new Jess. Living in San Diego, with its endless sunshine, endless activities, endless amazing food, has opened up the world for me and shown me endless possibilities. I know I say it all the time- but I LOVE it here. I love living here. I love everything about it. I literally wake up every morning and think about how much I love living here. Yes, I've totally become a snob about living here, and I love it so much, that I don't even care! Sarabeth and I literally ask each other every week, "Can you believe that we live here?!" I will say my bank account doesn't love living here- but hey, you can't take it with you. Or as Sophia Vergara said the other night on Seth Meyers, "I can't be buried with all my American Dollars". Exactly. I can't be buried with all my American Dollars, so I'm living by her rules.
I thought my birthday would be harder to face than Tim's birthday was. I was expecting to be sad, maybe depressed about the fact that he wasn't here. I ended up having a REALLY amazing birthday, surrounded by the people that I love, getting wishes, phone calls, flowers, presents, cards, and love from all over the country. It was seriously amazing. I have never felt more happy, more loved, or more alive than I did on my 30th birthday.
I wasn't as much as a mess as I thought I would be. I thought about Tim all day, as I usually do, but I didn't think about him in a sad way. Now, I think about our happy moments, about how happy we made each other, about how much we loved each other, and about all the great things that we did with our lives together. It's much easier for me to think about us in happy ways, rather than sad ways. Because who wants to be depressed all the time about something they can't change? I will say I'm continuously haunted by my 29th birthday card that he gave me. I even mentioned it in the speech I gave at his funeral- those little 10 words will stay with me for the rest of my life- "keep keeping me alive. I kind of like it here." (Also, Grandma Carly gets a shout out). Also, it says Happy 30th-1. I, of course, had to have him explain why he put Happy 30th on the card when I turned 29.
The lyrics of "Young Blood" have been popping up a lot in my head lately, so it's only fitting that it marks my first blog entry as an old, 30 year-old. We are all still young- still figuring out life, still unprepared for the changes it gives us, still wondering what it all means. I hope to never lose that innocence of loving what I can't see, waiting for the unknown, excited for the life ahead.
"Young Blood"- The Naked and Famous
We're only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate
We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate
We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
I Wanna Be Like Me.
"Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up..."
Stealing this quote from Rachel's Facebook page this morning, as she borrowed it from the great Snoop Dogg's Instagram feed. The Dogg is right. I've been struggling a little this week from the minor backlash and a few judgments I've received from my infamous Sunday Funday at the Hard Rock this past weekend. Can I share this photo with you again?
Tim taught me to have thick skin, to not worry about what other people think, and to just live my life how I want to live it. Which is exactly what I do on a daily basis. You cannot know me and love me without loving all of me. Loving the girl that has been through hell and back. Loving the girl that teaches dance classes and enjoys every second of it. Loving the girl that sits on 2 separate committees that raise funds to help end cancer. Loving the girl that *gasp* likes to party every once in awhile and just let loose. Loving the girl that loves and respects you back, that doesn't like to judge, that goes with the flow. Loving the girl that works hard every day, that juggles a million things per week, and that always tried to make herself available for her friends and family. If you don't like a piece of me, then I won't hold it against you. Just don't hold it against me.
Last night kicked off what is going to be a busy, busy summer for me, and for my San Diego friends as well. The Relay For Life Kickoff party starts the summer of fundraising, running, walking, advocacy, and education for helping to end this beast called "cancer". Denette, Steve, and Karlene all joined me for the night, and I know it helped Karlene think about some awesome fundraising opportunities for the Relay this year. Together, we will continue Tim's fight. We will remember him as he should be remembered. We will honor his life and hopefully make a difference in someone else's life. I wore the dress that I wore to Tim's funeral last night. I never thought I would ever wear it again- I can vividly remember sobbing in the dressing room after my mom told me I looked beautiful. I could only think about how I was looking beautiful to go to my boyfriend's funeral and I lost it. But this dress is a part of my journey, and it deserves to be a shown off during the journey. I might not be on the Relay committee if it wasn't for my loss, so it has special meaning to be worn.
I'm throwing it back to Sara Bareilles this week again. "I Wanna Be Like Me" is a song that says exactly that- I only want to be who I want to be. Not who people think I should be. Not who people think I ought to be. Just me. That's who Tim told me to be, and the woman he fell in love with. I will never apologize for being me, for enjoying every nook and cranny of life, for being a "Yes Woman". And I hope you do the same. I love every single one of my true friends and family for who they are, what they are to me, what they mean in my world and their own. And if I don't say it enough, I love you!
I Wanna Be Like Me
Stealing this quote from Rachel's Facebook page this morning, as she borrowed it from the great Snoop Dogg's Instagram feed. The Dogg is right. I've been struggling a little this week from the minor backlash and a few judgments I've received from my infamous Sunday Funday at the Hard Rock this past weekend. Can I share this photo with you again?
Tim taught me to have thick skin, to not worry about what other people think, and to just live my life how I want to live it. Which is exactly what I do on a daily basis. You cannot know me and love me without loving all of me. Loving the girl that has been through hell and back. Loving the girl that teaches dance classes and enjoys every second of it. Loving the girl that sits on 2 separate committees that raise funds to help end cancer. Loving the girl that *gasp* likes to party every once in awhile and just let loose. Loving the girl that loves and respects you back, that doesn't like to judge, that goes with the flow. Loving the girl that works hard every day, that juggles a million things per week, and that always tried to make herself available for her friends and family. If you don't like a piece of me, then I won't hold it against you. Just don't hold it against me.
Last night kicked off what is going to be a busy, busy summer for me, and for my San Diego friends as well. The Relay For Life Kickoff party starts the summer of fundraising, running, walking, advocacy, and education for helping to end this beast called "cancer". Denette, Steve, and Karlene all joined me for the night, and I know it helped Karlene think about some awesome fundraising opportunities for the Relay this year. Together, we will continue Tim's fight. We will remember him as he should be remembered. We will honor his life and hopefully make a difference in someone else's life. I wore the dress that I wore to Tim's funeral last night. I never thought I would ever wear it again- I can vividly remember sobbing in the dressing room after my mom told me I looked beautiful. I could only think about how I was looking beautiful to go to my boyfriend's funeral and I lost it. But this dress is a part of my journey, and it deserves to be a shown off during the journey. I might not be on the Relay committee if it wasn't for my loss, so it has special meaning to be worn.
I'm throwing it back to Sara Bareilles this week again. "I Wanna Be Like Me" is a song that says exactly that- I only want to be who I want to be. Not who people think I should be. Not who people think I ought to be. Just me. That's who Tim told me to be, and the woman he fell in love with. I will never apologize for being me, for enjoying every nook and cranny of life, for being a "Yes Woman". And I hope you do the same. I love every single one of my true friends and family for who they are, what they are to me, what they mean in my world and their own. And if I don't say it enough, I love you!
"I Wanna Be Like Me"- Sara Bareilles
Oh
What if I wanna be the one who
Never looks like anybody?
What if I wanna be the one who
Goes her own way?
Would you still believe in someone like me?
What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't belong here?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't fit in?
Would you find a new way to make room for me?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me
Oh
What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't need to hide?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't apologize?
I'm not the enemy
Unless you want the truth to see
What if I wanna be the one who
You never understand?
Do you ever think you'll ever want to still try to hold my hand?
To get through to you I'm still trying to
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me
[Break]
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
What if I wanna be the one who
Never looks like anybody?
What if I wanna be the one who
Goes her own way?
Would you still believe in someone like me?
What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't belong here?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't fit in?
Would you find a new way to make room for me?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me
Oh
What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't need to hide?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't apologize?
I'm not the enemy
Unless you want the truth to see
What if I wanna be the one who
You never understand?
Do you ever think you'll ever want to still try to hold my hand?
To get through to you I'm still trying to
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me
[Break]
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me
I Wanna Be Like Me
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Islands.
"Gastby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter-- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning--
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past..."
I'm scared that I won't be able to balance my past and my future. I'm worried that I could be obsessed with the past, so it ruins my future. That I could be obsessed with my future, so I forget the past. There's a fine line to balance these two worlds. More like a weighted scale that I'm trying keep balanced and upright. This weekend, the scale crashed into the past, and I was forced to stay there until I could balance myself out again. I was having drinks and dinner with Meredith and Sean, and there was this moment where she went to kiss him on the cheek, and he stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, and my scale tipped. Tim used to do that move to me all the time, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do that, or at least haven't noticed. That microscopic moment, one that most people wouldn't think twice about, sent me into a tailspin for two whole days. I couldn't dig myself out of it. I was completely filled with thoughts about Tim, and the montage started over and over and over again in my head. I finally settled down after a visit to the cemetery on Sunday. It was a beautiful day, and even though it was crowded due to the holiday, I felt at peace. I sprawled out on the grass, my fingers running through the blades and palms resting on the Earth. I turned on my music out loud, so Tim could listen too. I closed my eyes. I felt the sun beat into my skin. I breathed. And slowly the scale started to tip back toward the present. Toward the balance.
Waiting for the bus stop
Waiting for the concrete black top to settle down
Long enough for me to get off and get a little ground
I'm ready for the sea change
Helpless felt this coming from a mile away
And now you're looking at me babe, and how we'll separate if we can
Cause I still count on one hand the number of good men I know
It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself that that's what I am
You always dirty up the windows
If you keep 'em at bay that way no one's gonna surprise you by getting too close
Anybody but me though
You've made exceptions to you rules
And now we're staring down truth neither one of us wants to know
It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Islands
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past..."
I'm scared that I won't be able to balance my past and my future. I'm worried that I could be obsessed with the past, so it ruins my future. That I could be obsessed with my future, so I forget the past. There's a fine line to balance these two worlds. More like a weighted scale that I'm trying keep balanced and upright. This weekend, the scale crashed into the past, and I was forced to stay there until I could balance myself out again. I was having drinks and dinner with Meredith and Sean, and there was this moment where she went to kiss him on the cheek, and he stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, and my scale tipped. Tim used to do that move to me all the time, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do that, or at least haven't noticed. That microscopic moment, one that most people wouldn't think twice about, sent me into a tailspin for two whole days. I couldn't dig myself out of it. I was completely filled with thoughts about Tim, and the montage started over and over and over again in my head. I finally settled down after a visit to the cemetery on Sunday. It was a beautiful day, and even though it was crowded due to the holiday, I felt at peace. I sprawled out on the grass, my fingers running through the blades and palms resting on the Earth. I turned on my music out loud, so Tim could listen too. I closed my eyes. I felt the sun beat into my skin. I breathed. And slowly the scale started to tip back toward the present. Toward the balance.
On the other side of the scale, I feel my future pulling at me. It's odd to me to be feel excited about a future without Tim in this world. But I remind myself that I deserve to be happy, and have a family of my own. I deserve to live this life to the fullest. He would want that. And if things were reversed, I would be looking down on him and saying the same thing. I just want you to be happy. I guess the universe has something else planned for me. At least I hope so. Spending my little infinity with Tim made me love more. It allowed me to feel something real. It revealed to me the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person that I am. Watching Tim die has allowed me not to fear death. It allowed me to feel emotions that I would never wish upon anyone, and yet have made me stronger. More confident. My past with Tim has molded me into this new person. Someone who can literally handle anything you throw at her. Someone who is loyal, and loves unconditionally. I hope my future is better for it.
I've been listening to this song, "Islands" a lot lately. I love Sara Bareilles and she can do no wrong, and this song is no exception. I do think of myself as an island. Isolated by my past and my emotions that people cannot relate to. I'm yearning to draw myself closer to the mainland, to be a part of a larger being again. It's a constant fear that my past will force me to stay an island- to not let anyone get too close for fear of losing them. When I'm an island, I'm safer. I can keep my emotions at bay. I can't get hurt. I can stay safe. But I will be looking at the mainland with longing and hope. Hope that one day I will be able to return.
Islands- Sara Bareilles
Waiting for the concrete black top to settle down
Long enough for me to get off and get a little ground
I'm ready for the sea change
Helpless felt this coming from a mile away
And now you're looking at me babe, and how we'll separate if we can
Cause I still count on one hand the number of good men I know
It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself that that's what I am
You always dirty up the windows
If you keep 'em at bay that way no one's gonna surprise you by getting too close
Anybody but me though
You've made exceptions to you rules
And now we're staring down truth neither one of us wants to know
It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise..
Islands
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Eucalyptus
"It seemed to me that I had already seen everything pure and good in the world, and I was beginning to suspect that even if death didn't get in the way, the kind of love that Augustus and I share could never last. So dawn goes down to day, the poet wrote. Nothing gold can stay..."
When I pass by remnants of my past life with Tim, it feels like the world pauses for a moment, and I'm sucked back in time. Back to a time of love and laughter. Of sadness and hope. Of pain and suffering. Of light and gold. I pass by our old apartments- the first one that he and Joe lived in, the first place I called home here. We had no furniture for a month, except bedroom furniture. We curled up on his bed and watched The Daily Show on his Mac, scrolled through Netflix, listened to music. I made every meal and started trying to fatten him up while I looked for a job. Despite him being so sick when I first moved here, I was so incredibly happy to be in his presence. To be sleeping next to him every night. To know that I wasn't leaving in the morning, and we would both be there the next day. I pass by our other apartment- the one we made our home. The one we put our personalities into. The one where we laughed, cried, argued, smiled. The one where I cooked meals every night for him. The one where we had a schedule of TV shows that we watched every night together. The one where I walked in and he was there waiting for me. I pass by these places almost on a daily/weekly basis, and I think about these moments every time.
I appreciate everyone being patient with me while I walk through my grief. While I try to figure out this new life, and this new "beginning". It can't be easy to be my friend. To deal with my mixed bag of emotions. To not flinch when I so nonchalantly talk about Tim's death, because I know no other way to talk about it anymore but to be upfront. I will say that's a constant struggle- telling people whom I've just met the reason I moved out here. Let's face it- it's the first question I'm asked when I meet someone new. Most of us out here are transplants, so there has to be a reason, other than the sunshine and amazing weather, right? I used to dodge the question, but those pesky people would just keep asking away, so I eventually would just blurt it out. No one is ever prepared, and they don't know what to say, and then I feel the need to apologize for making the conversation turn awkward, though I shouldn't have to. But my friends get it. I feel safe enough with them to talk about it in normal conversation. To not hide or censor myself. I think maybe that's a tough part for dealing with grief- you don't want to seem like an emotional burden to your friends and family, so you just don't talk about it with them. Too bad for my family and friends, who I have deemed my therapists. And every one of them has stepped up to the plate, and listened, and not judged me, and gave me their love and support, even to this day, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
The first band that Tim told me to listen to was The Deadly Syndrome. He texted me the week after we met to listen to "Emily Paints" and "Eucalyptus". They came out with 3 albums pretty fast, then broke up even faster. But I only think about Tim when I hear them, and little did I know that several of their songs would help me through my grief of losing him. I like this song because it creates a similar world to mine- First, a world where Tim and I hid from the outside world and just enjoyed our time together. Second, a world where I had to say goodbye to him, and see what else is on the other side- "I think I see a distant light, I need to find out what those are..." Here's to me finding those lights.
Eucalyptus- The Deadly Syndrome
Eucalyptus
When I pass by remnants of my past life with Tim, it feels like the world pauses for a moment, and I'm sucked back in time. Back to a time of love and laughter. Of sadness and hope. Of pain and suffering. Of light and gold. I pass by our old apartments- the first one that he and Joe lived in, the first place I called home here. We had no furniture for a month, except bedroom furniture. We curled up on his bed and watched The Daily Show on his Mac, scrolled through Netflix, listened to music. I made every meal and started trying to fatten him up while I looked for a job. Despite him being so sick when I first moved here, I was so incredibly happy to be in his presence. To be sleeping next to him every night. To know that I wasn't leaving in the morning, and we would both be there the next day. I pass by our other apartment- the one we made our home. The one we put our personalities into. The one where we laughed, cried, argued, smiled. The one where I cooked meals every night for him. The one where we had a schedule of TV shows that we watched every night together. The one where I walked in and he was there waiting for me. I pass by these places almost on a daily/weekly basis, and I think about these moments every time.
I appreciate everyone being patient with me while I walk through my grief. While I try to figure out this new life, and this new "beginning". It can't be easy to be my friend. To deal with my mixed bag of emotions. To not flinch when I so nonchalantly talk about Tim's death, because I know no other way to talk about it anymore but to be upfront. I will say that's a constant struggle- telling people whom I've just met the reason I moved out here. Let's face it- it's the first question I'm asked when I meet someone new. Most of us out here are transplants, so there has to be a reason, other than the sunshine and amazing weather, right? I used to dodge the question, but those pesky people would just keep asking away, so I eventually would just blurt it out. No one is ever prepared, and they don't know what to say, and then I feel the need to apologize for making the conversation turn awkward, though I shouldn't have to. But my friends get it. I feel safe enough with them to talk about it in normal conversation. To not hide or censor myself. I think maybe that's a tough part for dealing with grief- you don't want to seem like an emotional burden to your friends and family, so you just don't talk about it with them. Too bad for my family and friends, who I have deemed my therapists. And every one of them has stepped up to the plate, and listened, and not judged me, and gave me their love and support, even to this day, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
The first band that Tim told me to listen to was The Deadly Syndrome. He texted me the week after we met to listen to "Emily Paints" and "Eucalyptus". They came out with 3 albums pretty fast, then broke up even faster. But I only think about Tim when I hear them, and little did I know that several of their songs would help me through my grief of losing him. I like this song because it creates a similar world to mine- First, a world where Tim and I hid from the outside world and just enjoyed our time together. Second, a world where I had to say goodbye to him, and see what else is on the other side- "I think I see a distant light, I need to find out what those are..." Here's to me finding those lights.
Eucalyptus- The Deadly Syndrome
I'll plant a row
Of eucalyptus
And they will grow
Up to protect us
They'll block the rain, oh
With their salty leaves
They'll keep the wind oh
From our short short sleeves
Well if he comes
And tries to find us
We'll just grab hold
Branches above us
And we'll sit up here
We will wait a year
We'll come back, oh
We'll come back when the coast is clear
Oh no.. oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
It's a row, (a row), a row
A row of stumps surrounding us
It's bright and cold and lonesome
We must have cut them down in our sleep
In our sleep we must have cut down all the trees
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
And now the wind, it hits our sleeves
It's freezing we got colder
Older, we got older
Without those trunks surrounding us
I can see for miles tonight
And I think I see a distant light
And I need to find out what those are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Sorry about the stumps
Sorry about the stumps
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You're sitting here on bloody knees
Where once were eucalyptus trees
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night
Of eucalyptus
And they will grow
Up to protect us
They'll block the rain, oh
With their salty leaves
They'll keep the wind oh
From our short short sleeves
Well if he comes
And tries to find us
We'll just grab hold
Branches above us
And we'll sit up here
We will wait a year
We'll come back, oh
We'll come back when the coast is clear
Oh no.. oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
It's a row, (a row), a row
A row of stumps surrounding us
It's bright and cold and lonesome
We must have cut them down in our sleep
In our sleep we must have cut down all the trees
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
And now the wind, it hits our sleeves
It's freezing we got colder
Older, we got older
Without those trunks surrounding us
I can see for miles tonight
And I think I see a distant light
And I need to find out what those are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Sorry about the stumps
Sorry about the stumps
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You're sitting here on bloody knees
Where once were eucalyptus trees
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Stay Young, Go Dancing.
"Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but A Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close, and you look at the person who loves you and smile..."
"Strong" has become a word used to describe me, and I even sometimes use it to describe myself when I think I'm having a "strong" day. As I've grown-up, gotten older, learned more about the world, I've become stronger. More level-headed. More patient. More kind. More confident. So when I feel a moment of weakness, and my confidence is crushed, and my strength is stripped away momentarily, I feel devastated. I feel so alone. It's more real to me that Tim is gone in these moments because I don't have him to run to. I don't have him to tell me why I matter. Why he chose me. I always felt special with Tim. Let's face it- you had to earn Tim's respect. You had to earn the right for him to like you. For him to call you a friend. For him to give a shit. Somehow I broke through him and he chose me and I felt special because of it. Lately, when my confidence is failing, and my hard exterior is crumbling down, I think about how I was worth something to him. And I think about all the people that are worth something to me. The people that love me unconditionally- will fight for me, will support me, will embrace me, will be my strength when mine falters- and I start to remember who I am, and what I am, and how special I can be. And how strong I can be. They make me feel like I have a place in this world. Or at least, my place will one day soon be found.
I'm turning 30 in a month, and I've been putting a lot of emphasis on having a crazy celebration. I never really like to go all-out for my birthday- and maybe I'm trying to overcompensate for any sadness I will feel on that day (not because of my age, but because Tim isn't here to see it). But I also just want to have fun. And let loose. And remind myself that I'm still alive and my life is just beginning in this city. I'm putting the bubble back together, piece by piece. Tiny piece by tiny piece. And someday soon, I will be whole again. And fully alive again. And maybe 30 is the beginning of that journey for me. I feel healthier than I have ever felt. I'm more confident, and I think that plays into the fact that I've been through some shit these past 2 years. And you can't do anything to me or say anything to me that will hurt me more than watching the man that I'm madly in love with die.
I love this song, "Stay Young, Go Dancing" because it's what I preach every Tuesday and Wednesday night. Dancing is, and always has been, an outlet for me. A creative expression. An emotional punching bag. Rachel and I have danced so hard before during difficult times in our lives, that afterward, we break down and sob. The release is terrifying, yet comforting. Dance has kept both of us sane and grounded. It has kept us healthy in body, mind, and soul. It has made us more confident, created more self-worth, and allowed us to express our feelings in a way that can't be said in words. Sometimes it's anger. Sometimes it's sadness. Sometimes it's joy. I hope everyone has a "dance" in their lives, and if not, you need to find one ASAP. I can't survive without it.
"Stay Young, Go Dancing"- Death Cab For Cutie
Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down
Lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days
Of a thousand rainy days
But when I heard her voice, oh it led me to the end
Yes it led me to the end
Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through autumn's advancing
We'll stay young, go dancing
As the music plays
Feel our bodies' sway
When we move as one
We stay young
(Go dancing)
Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, oh it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down
Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through winter's advancing
We'll stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing
Stay Young, Go Dancing
"Strong" has become a word used to describe me, and I even sometimes use it to describe myself when I think I'm having a "strong" day. As I've grown-up, gotten older, learned more about the world, I've become stronger. More level-headed. More patient. More kind. More confident. So when I feel a moment of weakness, and my confidence is crushed, and my strength is stripped away momentarily, I feel devastated. I feel so alone. It's more real to me that Tim is gone in these moments because I don't have him to run to. I don't have him to tell me why I matter. Why he chose me. I always felt special with Tim. Let's face it- you had to earn Tim's respect. You had to earn the right for him to like you. For him to call you a friend. For him to give a shit. Somehow I broke through him and he chose me and I felt special because of it. Lately, when my confidence is failing, and my hard exterior is crumbling down, I think about how I was worth something to him. And I think about all the people that are worth something to me. The people that love me unconditionally- will fight for me, will support me, will embrace me, will be my strength when mine falters- and I start to remember who I am, and what I am, and how special I can be. And how strong I can be. They make me feel like I have a place in this world. Or at least, my place will one day soon be found.
I'm turning 30 in a month, and I've been putting a lot of emphasis on having a crazy celebration. I never really like to go all-out for my birthday- and maybe I'm trying to overcompensate for any sadness I will feel on that day (not because of my age, but because Tim isn't here to see it). But I also just want to have fun. And let loose. And remind myself that I'm still alive and my life is just beginning in this city. I'm putting the bubble back together, piece by piece. Tiny piece by tiny piece. And someday soon, I will be whole again. And fully alive again. And maybe 30 is the beginning of that journey for me. I feel healthier than I have ever felt. I'm more confident, and I think that plays into the fact that I've been through some shit these past 2 years. And you can't do anything to me or say anything to me that will hurt me more than watching the man that I'm madly in love with die.
I love this song, "Stay Young, Go Dancing" because it's what I preach every Tuesday and Wednesday night. Dancing is, and always has been, an outlet for me. A creative expression. An emotional punching bag. Rachel and I have danced so hard before during difficult times in our lives, that afterward, we break down and sob. The release is terrifying, yet comforting. Dance has kept both of us sane and grounded. It has kept us healthy in body, mind, and soul. It has made us more confident, created more self-worth, and allowed us to express our feelings in a way that can't be said in words. Sometimes it's anger. Sometimes it's sadness. Sometimes it's joy. I hope everyone has a "dance" in their lives, and if not, you need to find one ASAP. I can't survive without it.
"Stay Young, Go Dancing"- Death Cab For Cutie
Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down
Lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days
Of a thousand rainy days
But when I heard her voice, oh it led me to the end
Yes it led me to the end
Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through autumn's advancing
We'll stay young, go dancing
As the music plays
Feel our bodies' sway
When we move as one
We stay young
(Go dancing)
Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, oh it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down
Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through winter's advancing
We'll stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing
Stay Young, Go Dancing
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)