Wolves In The Garden.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived..."

As I see it, my life after Tim could have gone two ways- I could either fear life without him, and hide in my closet forever, or I could fear life without him, and face it head on, with an army of family and friends behind me. I chose the latter. I chose to wake up in the morning, look at the sun, and tackle the day. I chose to honor Tim every day, in little or big ways. I chose to fight. That's what he would have wanted.
On Saturday night, I had a dream. It was a normal dream, with Tim in it, and we were hanging out at some friend's house- it was a party of sorts. Nothing amazing was happening in this dream. Then, the dream literally stopped, and it was just Tim and I, nothing else around us, just blackness. His hands were holding my face and he said, "It hurts me to see how sad you are every day. I want you to know how much I love you, and I want to thank you for everything that you did for me." Then he kissed me. And then my eyes flew open. It was a similar feeling to the dream I had where he held me in bed,- it was so real. I swear he was speaking to me from somewhere. I can't tell you how incredible it was and also how crazy it sounds. I know it sounds crazy. But this was real, and I know that he's proud of me for not fearing the sunrise every day.
Lately, some pretty tough things have been happening to the people around me. These people are taking the route I have chosen for myself, and facing fear head on. They are embracing the change in their life to love a little bit bigger, be a little bit kinder, be a better friend, be more supportive, be more accepting. We can't live in fear of the unknown. We know it's out there- cancer, death, injuries, job loss, divorce- whatever scares you the most. I want to share a few quotes from the beautiful people that are facing some tragedy this month-

"I've always believed it does no good to put hate in the world, hate only breeds hate..Cherish the gifts in your life. Make sure to tell someone you care about today how much they mean to you. So here's to love."- Julie Wilkes, who lost a dear friend to a dreadful crime last week.

"Tonight I tell my kids. And I ask for prayers of strength. As it is now me and them. Our new Team Hurst. Little things like Donuts with Daddy this coming week and ski adventures will be hard. And that is when I feel the weakest, pray for strength that I can honor David daily and be the parent he was to them and love them and show them, just like their daddy did, how to live. That we together as a family, will live carrying David with us each day"- Dana Hurst, who lost her beloved husband to cancer this past weekend. 

And though I don't have a direct quote from Sara, my sunshine of a best friend, her mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this month. When she told me, she had already gracefully decided to tackle this head on, to support her mother with love, to pray for her recovery, and treat this not as something to be sad about, but as a way to celebrate their family's love, life, and faith.

These people inspire me to keep moving, to keep loving, to keep living. They inspire me to look at the future not with sadness and darkness, but with light and hope. I had drinks and dinner with Denette (Tim's amazing and wonderful cousin) and her good friend, Paige, who lost her husband 6 months ago in a motorcycle accident. Paige made me feel like it was OK to think about the future. That it was OK to grieve, but you don't have to be a total hot hot mess. That it was OK to smile and laugh. It was a nice feeling to share some of those thoughts with someone who is going through a similar situation. It was comforting. Though, it doesn't make it easier to picture my future self without him. It doesn't make it easier to not feel sad, or cry every day, or get angry. It doesn't make life easier, but it makes it tolerable.
My favorite surprising moment with Tim- On St Patrick's Day last year, Tim flew to Columbus and we went out with my dear friend Carly and her husband. We went to this pit of a place that was seriously behind a gas station, yet everyone thought it was soooo cool (it's a drag, sorry Andy!). I always forget the name of that damn place (Carly, help a girl out here). We had a super fun night anyway, of course, and got a little tipsy. Tim was telling me a story about someone's girlfriend that was mad at them because he wasn't into PDA. He moved really close to me at that point in the story and said, "She was mad because he would never kiss her like this..." and then he pulled me close, dipped me back and gave me the sweetest kiss I have ever had. The world stopped. The noise stopped. There was no one in that bar but us for the duration of that kiss. Fairytales :)
(I tried to make him recreate it for this pic)

 

 

The first band that Tim ever told me to check out that I had never heard of was The Deadly Syndrome. I chose their song, Wolves in the Garden, for this entry because it sums up what I preach all the time now- that even though you know there are bad things out there and waiting for you, you still play in the sun, smile, laugh, and live your life. That's the only way to live.

 

 

Wolves in the Garden- The Deadly Syndrome

 

You say you're going to the garden,

and I should come and play

I feel like I should tell you

there were wolves there yesterday

We walked, and I said nothing

I didn't want to hurt the mood

I know we can't outrun them,

But the flowers smell so good

Those wolves in the garden...

It's a sunny morning,

They gave no warning

Those wolves, Those wolves

In the garden.

I know I could have saved us,

But we'd have never known this day

If this is where we had to go,

Then I'm glad we went this way

All that's left to see is

What kind of flowers we'll become

I'm sure we'll be the kind

that brings children out into the sun

Those wolves in the garden

 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsfiCi_qWfY
 

King and Lionheart.

"Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die, cut him out into little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with night..."

I would have followed Tim anywhere. If he wanted to go to Russia, I would have packed us the best jackets. If he wanted to go to the moon, I would brushed up on my space knowledge. If he wanted to go live in a tent in the jungle, I would think he's crazy, but I would have tossed bug spray in my bag and followed him. I was madly in love with him. When you're madly in love, you don't care if you're sitting in a snake pit, or sailing the waters, as long as you're together, you feel safe. He was my safety. My protector. He was my King, and I his Lionheart.
My mom got us a Groupon to take some sailing lessons last Valentine's Day. A cute little gift that turned into a mild obsession of ours. Once we had the lesson, we were hooked. Tim probably more so. He was so comfortable out there on the water (not that sailing a small Capri is hard, but I was more timid than he was). We had a "typical" SoCal girl teach how to sail (when she was actually from Texas! Would have never guessed) and then we were on our own. We had so much fun that day, just sailing in the beautiful sun, enjoying each others company. We enjoyed it so much that we decided a few weekends later to go out again by ourselves. We had another amazing time, until the clouds rolled in. Then we were stuck. We could see the dock- we could have swam to it!- but our boat just sat there in the still water. It suddenly became super chilly, and Tim was in and out of the water trying to push this boat along the shoreline because he was too stubborn (and cheap) to call for a tow. And so we sat. We were chilled to the bone, and getting heckled by some half-homeless, ignorant, high, dirty teenagers that were fishing next to us. I can't believe we kept our cool. Finally, Tim said, "Just call them already!" and we waited another 45 minutes for them to come get us, from a dock that we could see with our own eyes. The company ended up being super nice about the situation, not charging us a fee for going over our hours, and not laughing at us when we pulled in to the dock. I remember we were so cold, and we started running toward the car. All of a sudden we both started laughing so hard- we couldn't believe that just happened! We were laughing all the way to the car, swearing to each other up and down that we would NEVER tell another soul about this. Never! Laughing on the way back to the car is one of the best memories I have with him. The fact that we didn't throw each other off of the boat was amazing in my mind- and then we laughed about it all the way home.

I've been trying to honor Tim the best way I know how- by surrounding myself with people that we both loved and cared for, and doing things with those people that we would have both enjoyed. I think #timstrongoctober has been going very well- I've been packing my schedule with events that I know Tim would have liked. Disneyland with Sara. Apple picking in Julian with the Wirth Family. Italian Festa with the Tanksley crew. Avila Valley Barn with the Courtneys. I've seen some great posts from other people as well, celebrating Tim and his life. There were moments during these outings that I felt so sad because Tim wasn't there with us. It's still very hard for me to comprehend that he's no longer in this world- it just doesn't seem possible.

 

 

As I drove down the 101 back from Ben and Calisse's house, past the beautiful ocean and blue skies, I felt so alone. I have only ever driven that route with Tim right next to me, and this was my first trip alone without him. I'm always in such awe of the drive up and back from Santa Ynez because it's absolutely stunning- and it now reminds me of Tim and how beautiful he was, how happy we were, and how much we loved life together. We drove up and down the coast quite a bit, and everything reminded me of a conversation we had, or something he told me, or how we would just sit quietly, listening to music and staring out at the beautiful coastline. I miss him so much. My King. My Everything. My World.

We never got to see Of Monsters and Men in concert- it was on our To-Do list together. Tim was pissed that they were to going to Columbus, and not San Diego (but I told him- Columbus has an amazing music scene!). The last 2 months of his life, he was listening to their album non-stop. The album is absolutely stunning, beautiful, and slightly haunting. I tried to listen to it today at work, but still couldn't make it past the first song. In time, I will. This is one of my favorites. Goodnight my love, my Romeo.

 

King and Lionheart- Of Monsters and Men

 

Taking over this town, they should worry.
But these problems aside, I think I've taught you well.
That we won't run, and we won't run, and we won't run.
That we won't run, and we won't run, and we won't run.

And in the winter night sky, ships are sailing,
Looking down on these bright blue city lights.
And they won't wait, and they won't wait, and they won't wait.
We're here to stay, we're here to stay, we're here to stay.

Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear,
But you're a king, and I'm a lionheart.
A lionheart.

His crown lit up the way as we moved slowly,
Past the watering eyes of the ones we've left behind.
Though far away, though far away, though far away,
We're still the same, we're still the same, we're still the same.

Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear
But you're a king, and I'm a lionheart.

And in the sea that's painted black
Creatures lurk below the deck
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart.

As the world comes to an end, I'll be there to hold your hand
'Cause you're my king, and I'm your lionheart.
A lionheart.

Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear
But you're a king, and I'm a lionheart.

And in the sea that's painted black
Creatures lurk below the deck
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart.
A lionheart

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A76a_LNIYwE



What Sarah Said.

"I believe that tears can heal, that memories can comfort, and love lives on forever..."

I'm haunted every day by images of Tim's last day on Earth. The images scroll through my brain like a slideshow, causing me to stare into space while driving, stop in my tracks while walking Sophie, or mindlessly stare at my computer at work. These are not images that I invite in, they just appear to haunt me and cause the tears to run fluidly and my heart to drop out of my body. Sometimes I wish I could have someone wipe my memory clean of what happened that day, so I would only think of Tim how I like to remember him. That morning seemed too short yet too long, and I hope to never again experience anything like it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy- to watch someone that you love die. To watch them take their last breath. To kiss their cold lips as a final farewell. Some days, I think I'm doing OK, but then these devilish images come flying at me to remind me that I went to hell and I'm still stuck somewhere between there and Earth. I can only imagine that it's what hell must be like. I've only opened up to a few people about the particulars of that day, and I honestly won't go into much detail here because if you weren't there, you don't need to picture it. I want you to picture Tim how you knew him, how you loved him, how real he was to you. Picture him healthy and alive, sarcastic and funny, happy. Those are the images that I invite in as the slideshow- his smile, his amazing laugh, his beautiful blue eyes. The images of us snuggling, playing with Sophie, listening to music, sailing. Images of us watching TV, eating dinner together, going for ice cream, hiking, kissing, driving in his fast car. Those are the images that I allow in my head to dance around like a movie montage to make me smile and remember him as he needs to be remembered.

My absolute favorite memory of Tim and I was May 7, 2012. I flew out to San Diego for my birthday weekend, and he surprised me with Death Cab for Cutie tickets at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown LA. He gave them to me that morning and said, "We better get dressed and hit the road. You have a great night ahead of you." I was ecstatic. Now, Death Cab is my favorite band. And I had seen them 5 times before this concert. But I was going to get to see them in LA! At the spectacular and amazing Walt Disney Concert Hall! Accompanied by the Magik Magik Orchestra! With Tim! I can't really describe to you how amazing that concert was. All of those elements combined made for such a surreal and indescribable night for us. We both left the concert and said, "Wow." There was nothing like it. We grinned from ear to ear after the concert because we felt like we had just taken part in something that we would never feel again. Something that only few people in this world were able to experience. We emailed each other back and forth for weeks different videos of that night that we had found on YouTube. We would tell each other every day, "Let's go back to that night!".

 

 

I'm so happy that I got to spend the last 2 1/2  years with Tim. I have so many amazing and wonderful with him. He is forever in my head, in my heart, in my world. I knew from the moment I shook his hand that he would change the world as I knew it. He will forever be my love, my light, my bear, my home.  I remember there were nights that I would lie in bed curled up next to him, press my body into his back, and just try to send all my love and positive energy to him to fight his cancer. I would envision all my goodness, all my energy, all my health, flowing into his body and helping get rid of his cancer.

At the Death Cab concert, Tim heard a song that he had never heard before. I had heard it several times, obviously being the Number One fan (shout out to Carly), but had never really acknowledged the lyrics. Tim was struck by this song, and said it was one of his favorite songs by Death Cab. "What Sarah Said" played so deeply into the last year of our lives. The ending line sings, "Love is watching someone die. So who's going to watch you die?". I loved Tim with everything I could. I tried to be so strong for him- I never wanted to let him see me cry (at least about his cancer- I cried about our damn couch, Sophie's fleas, sappy movies, the usual) and I wanted him to know that he could lean on me for support, as a fighting sidekick, as a friend, and as his love. I am honored and blessed that he chose me to be by his side during his cancer, to watch him die those last few days, to give him his final kiss, to love him to his last breath. I am forever changed by him, by our relationship, and by the things that we endured together. My favorite line in the song is "But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all..." He is the reason I wake and the reason I walk this Earth as a different woman.

 

What Sarah Said- Death Cab for Cutie

 

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said, that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQuVudn1-RE

 

Banana Pancakes.

"It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years..."

Sundays used to be my favorite day. Tim and I rarely made plans on Sunday- our plans were to be lazy human beings. Sleep in. Cook pancakes. Watch movies. Nap. Take Sophie to the beach. Sundays used to be amazing. Now, my Sundays consist of a consistent cycle of dog beach, yoga, and visiting the cemetery.
After my weekly visit this past Sunday, I was very excited to see Tim's headstone had finally arrived. No, I never ever thought I would be "happy" to see a tombstone. It's very depressing and weird to be excited for a tombstone. It means that Tim has been gone long enough to have a headstone. It means that it's real that he's gone. I just stared at his name for a long time and thought, "Huh? How is this real? Why is this real? How did we get here?" However, I'm happy that I no longer have to look at a green plastic marker in the ground, and the flowers that we leave him have a home now. Now, he just needs some grass, and I picture myself reading there on Sunday mornings, coffee in hand, acting like it was a lazy Sunday with just the two of us curled up on the couch.

 

 

I had a dream this past weekend that I was laying in bed, on my side, and someone wrapped their arms around me and grabbed my hand. It felt so real. I can't stop thinking about it. I knew exactly whose hands they were, but I still asked out in my dream, "Tim? Is that you?" There wasn't an answer, but I would know his touch anywhere. I know the way our hands fit together. I know the exact strength of his hands and how strong they used to hold my hands. I know the feelings of how our fingers interlaced. They were his hands holding mine, and I knew he was there with me for that fleeting moment. I still feel his touch, days later. I had this dream the morning after spending the day at Disneyland with one of my best friends in the world, Sara. It was like Tim was telling me that he was there with us that day, but he didn't need to tell me that because I knew that he was. I laughed a little bit harder that day. Smiled a little bit bigger that day. I knew that he was living through me that day and enjoying himself. I missed him so much this weekend, but I was in such good hands with Sara being here. He knew that I have always found so much love and comfort in my friendship with Sara, and I feel like he was so happy that I had a fun day. The reassuring squeeze of my hand was all that I needed to know it was OK to laugh every once in awhile.

 

 

It was nice to be happy for a day. Lately, I've been picturing myself as happy. Like, what will I look like when I'm happy again? Will I ever be truly happy again? When will my heart stop hurting, and when will I feel like a whole person again? When will my stomach stop feeling like someone punched it, and when will I breathe normally again? Saturday was a glimpse of that, though I seriously missed Tim dearly that day. I pointed out every little thing to Sara about when Tim and I were there together. Also, the hat montage picture was an ode to him and Pat trying on funny hats when they went to Disney.

 

 

Both Melissa and Krista have told me this week how much they miss their friend. I miss my friend too. I miss being able to tell him funny or absurd things that happened to me throughout the day. Or complaining to him. Or laughing with him. I miss his smart-ass remarks and his laugh. He had such a great laugh. I miss him mocking me and screaming out, "Bear!" when I got walked through the door. This week, I walked through the door and just blurted out "Bear Bear!" because it was bottled up in the pit of my stomach and needed to escape. Obviously, no answer. I did get some nice kisses from Sophie that made me feel better for a second, though. I just flat out miss his presence in my world. Even when Tim and I were dating long distance, he was still present in my every day life. Text messages. Pictures. Emails. FaceTime. We loved to FaceTime, and we started adding "Time" to the end of everything. RealTime (when we actually got to see each other in person). BearTime (when we cuddled). We just threw "Time" on the end of everything and we knew what we were talking about. I remember 2 days before Tim passed away, we were alone in his hospital room, which was a rare occasion, and he said to me, "Bear- I'm sorry that we haven't had much BearTime lately." I told him that it was OK, and that as soon as he came home, we would have so much BearTime and he could make it up to me. God only knows how much I wish we had our BearTime again.  

Here's a great lazy Sunday pic of us at the beach (after lounging and pancakes of course). I miss Sundays. I miss my BearTime. My RealTime. Hell, even My FaceTime.

 

 

"Banana Pancakes"- Jack Johnson

Can't you see that it's just raining?
Ain't no need to go outside...

But, baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep you
From doing what you're supposed to.
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, like a ukulele
Momma made a baby
Really don't mind the practice
'cause you're my little lady
Lady, lady, love me
'cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside

Ain't no need, ain't no need, mmm, mmm,
Can't you see, can't you see?
Rain all day, and I don't mind

But the telephone is singing
Ringing
It's too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything
We need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Wake up slow, mmm mm, wake up slow

But, baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what you're supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside
Ain't no need, ain't no need
Rain all day, and I really, really, really don't mind
Can't you see, can't you see?
You gotta wake up slow

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Graa_Vm5eA

 



 







Xerces.

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures..."

3 events happened this week that Tim was supposed to be a part of.
Seeing Rush the movie.
Visiting the Cabrillo National Monument.
Rocking out at the Vampire Weekend concert.
Tim had been waiting at least a year for Rush the movie to be released. First, Ron Howard is his second favorite director (after Wes Anderson of course); Second, Formula One is his absolute favorite thing to watch; Third, even though it's not a documentary, Tim loved movies based on true stories (Senna was one of the first documentaries we watched together). I knew I would be seeing this movie the weekend it was released, and thankfully I was joined by three amazing friends that made me feel like Tim was there with us. Laughing with us. Watching the movie with us. Saying smart-ass things about the weird people we witnessed at the TGI Fridays bar with us. When I get together with any of Tim's friends or family, I feel... content? Relaxed? Happy? I can't explain it or have a word for it. Being surrounded by people that Tim thought of as good friends, people that he loved and cared for, people that he respected, puts me at ease. We left an open seat for Tim in our row at the movies. When the movie started, I felt like the air was being sucked out of the room because instead of sitting next to him, either leaning arm to arm, holding hands, or legs twisted together like a pretzel (our 3 favorite movie positions), I was sitting next to an empty seat. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was alone in that theatre and I would never be seeing a movie with him again. That emptiness that I constantly feel inside was on overdrive, and I almost felt like I could lose it. But I calmed down, enjoyed the movie, made mental notes to Wikipedia some things, and talked to Tim in my head about things that were going on.

You have to understand my attachment and commitment to film and the love that I have for it to understand why being in a movie theatre without Tim was heart wrenching. Most people wouldn't react in this way to just seeing a movie, but movies to me are much more than an overpriced night out. They are an escape, a storybook- creating emotions, and showing an artistic expression. Tim shared this love for certain movies- smart, artistic, creative movies- and seeing something on the screen come to life that he had been waiting for took the breath from my lungs. The weekend that I met Tim, we went on our first date together and saw Scream 4. I have had this small obsession with the original Scream movie since it first came out because it was funny, smart, and scary- something we had never seen in a horror film before. When they came out with this final installment, Tim quickly chimed in, "I'll take you to see it! How about Sunday night?" I gladly accepted. The movie was horrible, but I didn't care. I was sitting next to him, butterflies in stomach, smile on face. It was worth it.
Saturday, I went to the Cabrillo National Monument with 2 people in San Diego that I absolutely and completely adore- Meghan and her husband Luke. Meghan and Luke are the kind of people that are sincere, understanding, loving, helpful, and just all-around GOOD people. Not to mention one of the most ridiculously funny and cute couples that I know to date. People come in to your lives for a reason, and Meghan and Luke came in to my life to bring me laughter again. Smiles again. Tim had been wanting to visit the Cabrillo National Monument for some time, and when the two of us went, it had closed at 5:00 and we were 20 minutes late. So we walked around the Fort Rosecrans cemetery, which is the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen, and some real heroes are buried there. Tim did get to go back and visit the Monument weeks later, but I really wish we would have discovered it together.

Lastly, the second of 3 concerts had arrived that Tim and I had previously bought tickets to. I took a good friend from work- someone that I knew would make me laugh, shoulder dance with me, and enjoy the music. Though Katie had never met Tim, she has been so supportive and doesn't shy away when I talk about him- instead, she asks questions and listens to the stories that I have to tell.

Though I have been keeping myself busy, I can't ever shake the feeling of walking around this world as a shell of someone that I used to be. Little moments peak out- a laugh here, a smile there, a joke- and then I remember the reality that I'm in and my heart sinks. I'm constantly feeling as if half of me is gone, because it is. My other half isn't there to text me funny things during the day, he isn't there to answer my absurd and sometimes dumb questions, he isn't here to kiss me goodnight, he isn't here to laugh at Parks and Rec with me- he just isn't here. I know that I tell people that my days are "good", but in reality, they aren't ever good. They can be OK. But never good. Because a "good" day would mean that Tim was alive. A good day would be a day that I could kiss him again. A good day would just be a day where we curled up on the couch and watched Jeopardy (yes, I know we were like an old couple). You always wish for one more day, one more moment, one more minute, one more second, with the person you love when they're gone. But you don't get it. And you're stuck living your life as the shell of your former life.

I chose this Deftones song for this week's entry because for Deftones was Tim's FAVORITE band of all time. I have to at least put 5 songs of theirs in this blog for him, or he will yell at me from up above. The first concert that I saw in San Diego was Deftones with Tim. His mom bought us tickets, and we had such a great time. I think he had just had chemo that Friday, and the concert was Sunday, but in typical Tim fashion, pushed through it and enjoyed himself. We never let cancer run our lives. You can't. You have to tell it to f*** off and that you want to enjoy your life, no matter how long you have left. And that's what we did. F*** off cancer- you're the worst.

Xerces- Deftones

Universe surrounds,
When you're ready
It waits for us to leave this earth
Come on,
They're calling the name out
I don't know I could stay or leave
Either way
Cause the comet can take us all the way through
Goodbye
Safe, heaven, new
I'll be waving, goodbye
Return to see everything looks the same
I don't know if the change made was grave
Cause the craving remains the same
Goodbye
Safe, heaven, new
I'll be waving, goodbye
I'll be waving,
Goodbye...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEcv1q0gyMQ

Shadow of Love.

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

This week, an event happened that I was dreading- the first of 3 concerts that Tim and I bought tickets to was scheduled for Friday night. What made it even more dreadful was that he bought the tickets for my birthday, and the concert was originally scheduled for May 17th, and they pushed it back to September. Tim and I should have enjoyed this concert together. Carly seriously summed it up when she said our lives together was like a songbook. Tim and I LOVED music- we loved listening to it, sharing it, enjoying it, just being in the moment with a particular song. I think that's what makes it so damn hard to listen to "our" music. Every song brings back a memory, a thought, a smile, a peaceful state of mind. Thankfully, I was joined by two beautiful friends that enjoy music as much as I do- Pat and Gail. I asked Pat to take Tim's ticket because I knew that he was the one person that would thoroughly enjoy the concert, remember Tim with me, and just think back on the good times rather than harp on the sad. I only cried one time, and that's because Jared Leto, in all his Jesus glory, decided to cover Rihanna's "Stay", a song that I have been particularly avoiding since Tim passed away. Of course, in a place that I cannot hit the Skip button, out comes a haunting song that I must listen to in entirety and have a silent river of tears stream down my face. Despite this beautiful song, we had a great time, and in reality, I was transported back to late middle school, early high school days with Blink 182, The Offspring, and Jimmy Eat World. It was nostalgic, and it made me grin and remember those innocent days.

 

 

 

I took Gail to the cemetery when she was here, and afterward I thought to myself, Did she ever imagine that when we met Freshman year of college, this is where we would be standing? In the graveyard with her best friend as she mourned the love of her life at 29 years old? As she placed flowers on his grave and cried in her arms, that this was something we would experience so young? I say this to myself every day, but this is not the way I imagined my life would be here. I know Tim told me time and time again that I needed to prepare myself for this, but I refused. You cannot fight with everything you have, everything in your heart and soul, everything in your mind and body, and also prepare for this. I am not supposed to know how these things work before I'm 30- I shouldn't know how to pick out a casket, prepare a funeral, take over an estate, know the inner-workings of a hospital, and be tragically exhausted. But for him, I would do anything. I wanted to make sure that everything was right by him- that he would like the color of the casket, the clothes he was buried in, the pictures people saw, the essence of him that was embodied in that funeral home.

I get angry every day for 3 reasons- One, I get angry for the life that was taken from him. The things he didn't get to do. The places he didn't get to see. The people he didn't get to meet. Two, I get angry for us- the things that we didn't get to do, the places that we didn't get to see, the people that we didn't get to meet together. Three- I get angry for me- why am I to suffer this? Why was my love taken from me? Why am I not allowed to be happy forever with the one person I want to be happy with? These angers seep together into a collected pool of combined anger, and make me flat-out bitter. And if you're unfortunate enough to push my buttons on a given bitter day (usually a random bystander), then that poor soul is in for a real treat. Something was taken from me that hurts my stomach, my heart, and my mind- something that people are taking for granted on a day to day basis. If you are learning anything from this blog, I hope it's that you will not take for granted your relationships, your love, or yourself. I hope you realize how lucky and blessed you are to have these things in your life. If it wasn't for my family and friends, and Tim's family and friends, who are now my own, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in a really bad place. A really bad place. Dragging everyone down with me. To be surrounded by so much love, light, peace, and comfort has been a blessing. To be honest, I will never be able to thank them enough. Ever. Never Ever.

 

 

 

Tim and I went to the She And Him concert in June, and I chose their song, "Shadow of Love" for this entry. We had a pretty mellow time, and to be honest, I think Tim was really just hoping that Zooey Deschanel would pick him out of the crowd and they would run away together :) In all fairness, I told him that if that were to happen, I would be OK with it, as long as she introduced me to Ben Gibbard and Zooey and I became best friends. He agreed to this. Like I said, it didn't matter what concert we went to, or where we were, we always had an epic time together. Because we were together. That's all that mattered.

 

Shadow of Love- She And Him

 

You and I
We built a shadow of love

 

You and I
We built a shadow of love in our hearts where the future should be

 

There's no tomorrow to set me free

 

You and I
We told a story of love

 

You and I
We told a story of love from our hearts, but it never came true

 

There's no tomorrow for me and you

 

We were so young,
We should have known
Love's as brittle as a broken bone

 

We couldn't see around the bend
We spround the yard, without an end,
Without an end.

 

Time goes by
It's only shades of grey

 

Time goes by,
It's only shades of grey in my heart where the colors should be

 

There's no tomorrow to set us free.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyXkhsICidg



Brand New Colony.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return...”

 Some people back home thought I was crazy for moving here. I wasn’t just moving here, I was quitting my job(s), moving across the country where I have no family or friends, moving in with a guy (gasp!) and that guy just happened to be battling Stage 4 lung cancer. This was never a hard decision for me. The day that Tim was diagnosed, I happened to be in Southern California on business, and he drove up that afternoon and told me the news. I knew in 5 seconds that I would be moving here, whether he liked it or not. I can’t explain why I was never afraid of moving out here and taking care of him. I wasn’t afraid to quit my job, I wasn’t afraid to live in a new city, and I wasn’t afraid to take care of the person that I loved. When I found 2 jobs within the first month of being here (Road Runner, and teaching fitness classes), I knew the world was telling me that I belonged here. That this was the right decision. That it was my fate to be here.

Those first few weeks were a learning curve for both of us. In all honesty, this could have been disastrous. We had never been in the same city for more than 5 days together, and then we moved in together and were with each other every moment of every day. But we learned. And our relationship grew. And we started our own life together, a “Brand New Colony” if you will. I learned how to properly fold his underwear (there was a teaching session). I learned that he hated to cook so I took on all the cooking (and he would probably say “Cooking? That’s a woman’s job. Get to the kitchen.”). I also learned that I wasn’t allowed to load the dishwasher because I did a poor job at it. That’s OK because it was a fair trade off- I cooked, he cleaned up. Perfect match. And also I hate the dishwasher.

I remember one night in those first weeks, we were cuddling in bed together, watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on his laptop (we didn’t have cable at the time) , holding hands and our heads were resting on one another. He whispered, “This is my favorite part of the day with you”.

I’ve been struggling this week with “erasing” physical evidence that he existed in this world. Disconnecting his phone line. Changing our joint bills over to my name. Washing the sheets that we last slept in together. Somehow, this world is still turning and the sun is still rising and setting, and people are moving on with their lives, and I want to scream about it. I don’t want the world to continue on without him. I don’t want to go through each day without him to come home to. It’s unfair and it’s stupid and it sucks. I think about Tim from the second I wake up in the morning, until the second I go to sleep. Even when I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I think of him. I've been bordering on more anger lately, and my usual short fuse of patience has dwindled to nothing. I was telling our friend Calisse the other day that I was censoring myself when talking to people for fear of them throwing me in an asylum for anger management, or disowning me as a person. She said, "Who cares? Tim is probably wanting you to say those things out loud. God knows he would have." :)  It's true- Tim was honest- even when you didn't want him to be honest. He didn't really care if you didn't like what he had to say about it. This about sums it up:

He laughed all day over this photo. You have to admit, it's pretty amazing.

The last concert that Tim and I went to was The Postal Service. If you would have told me that would be our last concert together, I would have never believed you. Tim's passing was so fast. Every day, I still don't think my brain computes that he is gone. Like forever. Like never coming through the door. Like never. My brain will recognize it for one moment, and I can't explain the feeling I get, but I guess it's like the most empty feeling I've ever had. Almost like there is nothing left inside of me or outside in the world. It's just empty and deserted. 

I realized what unconditional love is with Tim. It's the kind of love that accepts everything you are- good, bad, wonderful, annoying, grumpy, beautiful- and it never questions itself. It's the kind of love where two people have so much faith, honesty, acceptance, reliability, and friendship between them that it can't be broken. It's the kind of love that offers safety, reassurance, and hope. Hope was a big one for us. I told Tim that I would never give up hope, that I would never give up on him, that I would never think that there was a different alternative than him staying alive. Until he took his last breath in our arms, I never gave that up. Not just for him, but for me as well, and all the people that loved him. I made him a promise that until his dying breath, I would fight heart and soul for him to stay. 

I love this Postal Service song below. I used to write out song lyrics on the envelopes of cards that I gave Tim, and this was the first one. It was the last song that The Postal Service played during their concert, and my heart was so happy in the moment. Singing at the top of my lungs, arms around each other, totally in the moment.We had our own little colony here- just the two of us, playing in the sunshine (with Sophie of course), and loving life.

Brand New Colony- The Postal Service

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit, like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...you won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us5NkiF2ndY