"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you..."
So it's been a year. I honestly can't figure out where the last year went, and I guess I'm grateful that I kept busy enough and surrounded myself with so much love and laughter that the year disappeared right before my eyes. Sometimes my life with Tim seems so far away- like a movie that I watched and loved some time ago and I can't remember the title (typical). Other times, it feels like yesterday when we were sharing our lives together and I have to remind myself that's he been gone from here for a whole year. I still think about him all the time, and thankfully they are good memories that float through my head. Except today. Except this day, when I was woken up by the nurse and Tim's parents to tell me that "Today's the day." I hate August 14th for that reason. Because August 14th marks the day that I lost hope, that it was apparent to me that I couldn't save Tim, and that we would now have to live our lives without him present. August 14th is a day that I should be hiding under the covers. But that's not me, and it never was. I faced my grief head-on. I didn't run from it. I didn't hide from it. I let myself swim in it. And I didn't drown.
Thankfully, I can stand here today as... happy. And thanks to all of you, who have shared your love, support, tears, hugs, kindness, and laughter with me, I'm able to be a whole person again. Rachel told me the other week that after seeing some photos of me online, that I looked... happy. Like Normal Jessica happy. With a sparkle back in my eye and a smile that isn't forced. It was one of the best compliments that I could have received. I've been trying very hard to find peace and happiness in my life and I think I've found a good place. The constant sunshine doesn't hurt- you can't help but wonder at life's beauty when you live in a place like this.
Tim will always have a special place in my life and in my heart. He was encouraging, supportive, thoughtful, and made me a much stronger and secure individual. Because of him, I know who I am and what I want out of this life. Because of him, I have learned perspective. Because of him, I have been able to offer my time and energy to this community to help continue his fight. And because of him, I have learned the true meaning of love- what it feels like, and how hard you fight for it.
I will never be able to repay everything you all have done for me over this last year. I can only hope that I can be half the friend you have been to me and I would not be standing here a happy and sane person without you. Thank you. Times one million. Times infinity.
XO, Jess
All Who Remain- Beware of Darkness
Tell the one above he’s a criminal
For taking and giving life like marble candy
Everything collapses around me
Overwhelms and astounds me
A Terrible Truth
When you leave this life, the world will be a darker place for
All Who Remain
The light you gave the human race will go away…
I see you every time that I close my eyes
I Hum every lullaby that you used to sing
You never know the last time you’ll see someone
So give them all of your love
Cause they’ll disappear
When you leave this life. the world will be a darker place for
All Who Remain
The light you gave the human race will go away…
If I can’t have you in this life
Then I don’t want this life at all
Cause there’s nothing in this broken world
That I’ll ever love as much
I called and I called you never picked up
I cried and I cried but you never woke up
You died and you died without asking me first
You left me all alone here on Earth
When you leave this life the world will be a darker place for
All Who Remain
All Who Remain- Beware of Darkness
