Christmas Time Is Here.

"The chances of each of us coming into existence are infinitesimally small, and even though we shall all die some day, we should count ourselves fantastically lucky to get our decades in the sun..."

I have felt so extremely lucky this week. Lucky, blessed, happy. This feeling comes from all the wonderful people that I know in my life. People that I have known since birth, people that I have met here in California, and everyone that I have met along the way. How does one get so lucky?? I sat back on moving day this week, and thought to myself, Wow. I know some amazing people. I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. It's a very humbling feeling. I only hope that I can some day offer my strength, my support, my love, my thanks, and my gratefulness to you.
Christmas Time has always been a favorite time of year for me. I love the music, the joyfulness, the hope, the smiles, the love that surrounds you. I get to go home next week and see my family and friends, and I'm so excited! Though, I'm NOT excited for the cold weather. I have become a slight snob when it comes to temperature now. I'm giving my family and friends fair warning- there will be lots of complaining about the subzero temperatures I will be enduring next week. So Mom, you better have some blankets and hot cocoa ready :)
Last week, Karlene and I attended a candlelight memorial at Tim's funeral home. It was a really nice gathering- they decorated the tree with everyone's name that they were memorializing, gave us candles to light in their honor, and read a few sentences about each individual for all to hear. It was weird to be back there, similar to the feeling after going back to the hospital after these last few months. I had some flashbacks of us being there and how grief stricken we all were. I smile though, because even though it was obviously a sad time, I can remember a few laughs and smiles that we all had that day. I feel like going back to the hospital and the funeral home this last month has been an important part of the healing process. Like facing your fears. I faced the two places that I hate thinking about the most, and I walked out of there, still with my head high and love in my heart.

I attended my second annual San Diego Christmas Boat Parade this weekend. It's now one of my favorite traditions with Denette and Steve and their kids. Drinking hot chocolate, watching the boats covered in Christmas lights pass, and just enjoying everyone's company. I just seriously love that I live by the water! And that boats with Christmas lights are a normal thing! :) I had this weird sense that Tim was there with us- I could vividly see him taking his picture with all the boys on the rocks- it was a really nice feeling. Denette said later she could see him there too.

 

One of our memorable moments last year was Tim and I sitting in his near empty apartment (before we moved to our apartment), and him blasting the Charlie Brown Christmas music- all songs by Vince Guaraldi Trio. Tim loved jazz music. I love Christmas music. This was a perfect combination of happiness in our lives during December. I strongly recommend you listen to it this season. I can't help but think of him when I hear these songs out in the real world, and a smile creeps along my face. This Christmas is going to be really sad without him. Last year, we were in the ER on Christmas morning, and he said to me, "I bet this is the worst Christmas you have ever had." I said, "No, it's not. We're spending this day together. It's one of the best Christmas days I have ever had, no matter where we are." He rolled his eyes of course. :) But it was such a true statement. We could have been hanging out in a sewer, and it would have been a good Christmas. It's not about where you are, it's about who you get to spend it with. Who you get to share your love with. Who you get to smile at, and hug and kiss, and embrace your day with. I get to spend this whole month with people that I love, and I'm lucky. It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when I think about him when I hear "Christmas Time is Here", but it does mean that you, the people that I'm grateful for, are helping to fill that sad hole in my heart with love and kindness and faith.

 

 

Here is one of my favorites to start you off. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays my dear friends!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVB18xbRMI4

Home.

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go...”  

This is the week. The week that I have been dreading since coming to terms with Tim's death.
It's moving week.
As you may know, the people that live in San Diego pay for the sunshine here, so I cannot afford to live in this great city by myself. Thankfully, I met Sarabeth through my good friend Chelsy, and I could breathe a little easier knowing that I was moving in with someone that I not only knew, but genuinely liked! We both also have chocolate labs, so Sophie will have a friend to keep her company. And I will too.
I'm very very very sad to leave this apartment. I'm mad about it. I'm heartbroken about it. I'm annoyed with it. This was our home. A place to call ours. Our shelter from the world outside. Our sanctuary. Our place to just be. I feel like when I move out of this place, I will have lost Tim forever. I can still feel him here. Until a few weeks ago when I started going through his belongings, I hadn't touched anything of his. I had left everything as he had before he died. It was like he was going to come home any minute. His flip flops by the door. His toothbrush in the holder. His messy side of the nightstand. His side of the closet full. All of our pictures still up on the walls, over the bed, displayed in frames on shelves. This new place is a fresh start. You have to know that I'm totally torn in two over this week. On the one side, I'm kicking and screaming inside about it. I don't want a fresh start. I don't want to pack up all of these things and decide what I want to keep. I don't want to live in a new place, with new pictures, and new beginnings. I want my old home back. The one where I slept next to Tim, where we watched movies, where we ate dinner together, and lunch together, and breakfast together. Where he made me fires in the fireplace and hot cocoa, where we snuggled by the fire on chilly nights, where we felt the warm breeze blow through the windows in the summer. On the other side, I'm a little excited for my new place. I picked up the key yesterday and walked around the apartment again and thought, Yes, I can see myself here. A small step closer to healing, yet a small step further away from him.
I will say that I finally feel like San Diego is my home. When I got off of the airplane from Denver after Thanksgiving, I was greeted by sunshine and palm trees, and I breathed in deeply and smiled. I was glad to be home. But I have homes everywhere. Obviously, Columbus is my first home, and where my family resides. It's where I was raised, where I learned my lessons, where I started dancing. It's where I can let my hair down and curl up next to my mom on the couch and watch stupid girly movies. It's where I can tease my brothers, walk into my dad's shop and feel proud that he's my dad, and where I can lounge with all of my family and friends and act as if time hasn't passed between us. I have a home in Kentucky, where I learned to be on my own, where I made some amazing friends, and where I learned to love the horse races and hate mint juleps. It's where I made a ton of mistakes, and had the time of my life. It's where I can look at the rolling hills and green grass and think fondly about the time that I spent there. I have homes in Virginia Beach, Indiana, Chicago, Maryland, and Colorado, each with their own charms, love, and friendships. San Diego is my new home. California in its entirety is my new home. I absolutely love it here. The scenery, the weather, the constant sunshine, the never-ending possibilities to occupy your time. It can be sad and lonely without my family and friends who know me best, but I'm slowly building up amazing friendships and relationships here that I am proud of.
So here I am. Packing up all my belongings. These bits and pieces from each home are helping guide my slowly down a path to recovery. I tried to carefully choose what I wanted to keep of Tim's, because let's face it, I wanted to keep it all. But I can't be selfish and hog all of it, and I can't keep all of it because I can't hold on to Tim like he never left. So I kept bits and pieces of him that make me smile, and laugh, and encourage me to finish the adventures that we didn't finish (camping! Maps to the Grand Canyon!). I'm not a camper, but Tim REALLY wanted us to go camping for a weekend, and because I could never say no to that face, I agreed. Karlene pulled out a little air mattress thing for camping the other week and laughed because he had told her that he needed to buy that for me since I wasn't really pumped about sleeping on the ground. I didn't even know that he had bought it for me. It made me smile/laugh/cry. I remember he took me to REI a few months ago, and I had to get in all these sleeping bags in the middle of store to see which one was right for me. He said I needed one with a hood- I didn't even know what that meant until he pulled it over my face. Ohhhh. The things you do for love.
I wrote out the lyrics to this song on one of the cards that I gave to Tim. I wanted him to never feel alone, to always feel like he was home with me. We were both going into the unknown, and thankfully we had each other to lean on and rely on. We tackled each day together- Woke up next to each other, and went to bed next to each other (Koala Bears!). We were home.

 

Home- Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE
 

Come A Little Closer.

"It's the part of the show where it all fades away
When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage
And you wanted an encore but there's no encore today
Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave..."

Time is a sneaky little thing. It's been almost 4 months since I last saw Tim's face in RealTime, and it seems like yesterday. But sometimes it seems like 4 years. I guess what I realize, to the full extent now, is that time is precious. Time is an opportunity to seize the day- to do something you want to do, to say something you want to say, to make a difference in someone's world, if not your own. I want my time on this Earth to be meaningful. Karlene, Tiffany, and I went to a small memorial at Sharp Hospital last month, and they read a poem called "The Dash"- On your headstone, there will be a birthdate, and a death date, but what really matters is what the dash in between those years holds. Who you loved. What you accomplished. What impact you made. Where you traveled. What your time on this Earth equates to. We talk about Tim's dash all the time- all the memories he had for each one of us, all the times we laughed with him, all the times he made us mad, or made us smile, or made us thankful that we had someone like him in our lives. All the places he visited, the difference he made in each of our lives, and all the times that he deserved to get kicked in the shins. \
I love how long periods of time can sometimes feel like no time at all. We all have those friends that we don't talk to or see for long periods of time, and then you catch up over coffee and it seems like you just saw them last weekend. I saw Nancy last weekend in Denver, and that's exactly what it was like- a quick hug hello, a "How are you?", and then right into laughing and carrying on like we still lived in a 4-girl dorm in college. Same with Tasha, who I seriously drive 45 minutes to in order for her to take care of the mane on top of my head. Obviously, she's superb at what she does, but it's because even though I've only known Tasha for a short time, it seems like we have known each other for years. Time is funny that way.
I saw this little quote on Facebook the other day that said, "Your body will be around a lot longer than that expensive handbag. Invest in yourself." I don't know why, but that's been my mantra going forward this month. Those of you that know me know that I'm not the expensive handbag kind of girl, but it just reminded me that we are stuck with our bodies until the end of our time. We should be good to them. We shouldn't put poison in them. We shouldn't eat bad stuff (or at least in moderation, and NO, I refuse to count Rubio's as "bad" so don't even bring it up). We should workout, do yoga, relax, get massages, thank our bodies for putting up with all the shit we put them through. I took a leap forward and signed up with a personal trainer (I start next week, God help me), and yes, I know that I'm fit, especially in the cardio realm, but I need an extra push to get me where I want and need to be. That's where Sherry comes in, and I'm expecting her to push me to my limit and tell Fat Jess from College that she needs to go back into hiding. Indefinitely.
One of my favorite "times" with Tim, and one that I have been missing so miserably lately, was this:
I come home from work.
I yell out, "Bear!"
He's laying on the couch, watching History Channel, he replies "What, ya Bear?" Then gives me this little sly smile.
I walk over to the couch, give him a kiss, and just crawl up next to him, his body fitting mine exactly, my head buried in his chest. He runs his fingers through my hair and we ask each other about our days.
It's a blissful moment in time.
It seems like yesterday. Or sometimes a year ago. I kind of hate coming home from work now, when that's the moment I used to come home to.
I've been hearing this song on the radio quite a bit lately, and I like it more and more every time I hear it. Time flies by. It's happening as I write this. How did December sneak up on us so fast? How have I made it this far without a mental breakdown (obviously, this is because of the amazing love and support from friends and family, but still I wonder...)? How have I not gotten so lost here and ended up in Mexico? How have I survived 4 months without him? Where did the time go?
Let's make our dashes count.

Come A Little Closer- Cage The Elephant

Time shakes, found you at the water
At first you were my father, now I love you like a brother
Earthquakes shake the dust behind you
This world at times will blind you
Still I know I'll see you there

Chorus:
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Things aren’'t always what they seem to be
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been seein'
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming
Come a little closer then you'll see

Heartbreaks, the heavy world's upon your shoulders
Will we burn or we just smolder
So now I know I found you there
Mmm, wanna see if you can change it, change it
Still I know I'll see you there

Chorus:
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Things aren'’t always what they seem to be
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been seein'
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you’'ve been dreaming
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come a little closer then you'll see

Ten thousand people stand alone now
And in the evening the sun sets,
Tomorrow it will rise
Time flies by, they all sing along
Time flies by, they all sing along
Time flies by, they all sing along
Time flies by, by

Chorus:
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come a little closer then you'll see

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYup3Qwh8Q

Til Kingdom Come.

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you..."

I'm already preparing myself that the holidays are going to be hard. The holidays are going to be the worst. I'm very grateful and blessed that I will be surrounded by loving family and friends, but there will be a huge empty whole in my heart every time I laugh or smile. The thing is, I will be laughing and smiling in between the tears and sad moments, because despite losing Tim and my life with him, I have a lot to be grateful for.
     1. My family. My wonderful family that has been there for me since birth. I'm so lucky to have such a loving, supportive family- I realize that not everyone has this, and I will not take this for granted. It's been very hard to go through losing Tim without them literally by my side, but their love and support can be felt across the country, and I am so comforted by them.
     2. My friends. My friends are amazing. They are literally life-savers. They have flown across the country to be with me, called and emailed me to send love and thoughts, sent me beautiful gifts and reminders of Tim, fed me dinners, answered my late-night crying phone calls, and have picked me up off of the ground. I have no idea how I have such amazing friends, but I do.
     3. Tim's friends and family. They have welcomed me from Day 1 with open arms and open hearts. Tim's passing would have been much more difficult without them allowing me to be part of the preparations and arrangements, without them being by my side, and without them helping me in every way. They are now my friends and family, and I'm so thankful that Tim had such wonderful people in his life.
     4. Sophie. She's amazing. Tim loved her so much- she was his loyal companion, his friend when no one else was there, and his protector. I am comforted by her presence. I now have an extremely loyal companion that loves me unconditionally. Even as I type this, she is sleeping with one eye closed, and one eye open watching me. My ultimate protector.
     5. My work family (both then and now). I've been so lucky to have both support and love sent from Iron Pony and Road Runner. I can't imagine ever working in a place that isn't understanding, that isn't supportive, and that isn't greatly appreciative of the time and effort I put into my work. Iron Pony and Road Runner are all of those things and more. It's such a great feeling to want to go to work every day.
     6. My gym family (then and now). I've also been blessed with an amazing team and family at both Lifetime and Total Woman. Both of these wonderfully different "posses" have grown with me, helped make my extremely bad days turn into good days, pushed me to different limits, and have offered their unconditional and loyal friendship.
     7. My health. I'm healthy. I'm alive. And I'm thankful. I can give to others that need help, I can offer my support, love, blood, whatever helps keep them alive. I can do this because I'm a healthy individual, and not everyone is so lucky.
     8. Tim. I'm thankful for Tim. For him coming into my life. For him making me feel alive. For him pushing me to be a better person. For him making me laugh uncontrollably, smile unbelievably, and love unconditionally.

Last year for Thanksgiving, I was super new to California. We were invited over to Denette's house for the day, and I was excited and a little scared to meet her. Tim and Denette have an amazing relationship- one filled with trust, loyalty, respect, and love. I was nervous to meet such an amazing person in Tim's life, and as soon as she opened the door, I knew she was extraordinary. She was warm and welcoming, and I felt at ease in her presence, as I still do to this day. Denette has a very calming effect to her- you're instantly just yourself in her presence. I helped in the kitchen, Tim lounged on the couch, and the kids ran around like crazy kids do. It was an awesome Thanksgiving. I remember running around like a crazy person the day before because I really wanted to make these special cupcakes. Of course, I didn't have any kitchen items, so I spent a good $60 or so on cupcakes, but it was worth it. Until I topped them with walnut pieces, and Grace, Denette's daughter, is allergic to nuts. I think I almost fell over when she told me, and kicked Tim in the shin quietly for not giving me the heads up. She handled it with grace, of course.

 

 

 

Every day is a gift. We should be thankful for each day that we get to spend with our loved ones and with our friends. We should be thankful for each day we spent with people we have lost and people we have loved. We should be thankful for our health, for our bodies, and for our spirits.

Happy Thanksgiving my loved ones.

  



Tim, I'd wait for you til kingdom come. Just say you'll wait for me.

Til Kingdom Come, Coldplay


Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZFCeiVEEcc

Miss You.

"Alone we can do so little; Together we can do so much..."

Last week marked the date that Tim has been gone from this Earth for 3 months. That really doesn't seem possible. We celebrated and honored his life with the Lung Cancer Alliance at their 1st annual San Diego candlelight vigil. I'm not going to lie, it was a pretty small turnout. Our Timstrong group made up at least half of the vigil, if not more. However, it was still such a nice place to start our journey together to make a difference in this world. To start raising awareness about lung cancer and to start getting people's attention. I learned that Lung Cancer advocates have such a hard time spreading awareness for many reasons- Most people believe that lung cancer is from smoking, and therefore, these people "deserve" the cancer, so there isn't much push to fund research, and people are embarrassed to speak about it. The mortality rate is so high for lung cancer, that advocacy goes in waves- after people are diagnosed with lung cancer, everyone is fighting for them and attending vigils, walks, run, etc. After they pass away, those people start to dwindle off- they don't keep the momentum going. I'm here to state that we will not be those people. We will be keeping the momentum going for Tim, and for all those other people who have witnessed what lung cancer, or any cancer for that matter, does to their loved ones. The suffering. The heartache. The pain. The loss. The horror. If I can change just one person's life and have them not live through what we lived through, then my job here is successful. I want to thank each and every one of you for either attending the vigil, lighting a candle, dedicating your day, or even just reading this blog. You're helping make a difference in this world, and I'm truly thankful for each and every one of you.

 

 

A week after Tim's funeral, I attended church with my mom and Denette and Steve. I really wanted to listen to one of Pastor Dale's sermons/messages because he was so amazing and heartfelt at Tim's funeral, and I wanted to hear what he thought about life. He talked mostly about changing as you grow up. Changing into a better person. A better friend. A better companion. A better loved one. Treating people as you would want to be treated- The Golden Rule. He was saying that if you go to your high school reunion, and people are like, "Man, you haven't changed one bit!", that's not necessarily a good thing. People want to change, or should change, from who they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. That's how I feel 3 months after Tim's death. While I believe that I have changed from 5, 10 years ago, Tim's death has changed me in more ways than I'll ever know. I believe that I'm changing for the better- a little bit more patient, a little bit more kind, a little bit more understanding. Sure, I've been tested many times these past few months, but I'm hoping that with each of these tests of character, that I'm succeeding in becoming the person I strive to be after Tim. Again, someone that he is proud of and came beam down a smile at me. Or a laugh. Or a "Go ahead, punch that person".

 

My wonderful friend Andi sent me 2 pictures this week of Tim and I that I had never seen. It was such a great surprise/gift- to see us smiling together, no cares in the world. They were pictures from her brother's wedding, and Tim and I had such an epic time. Yes, this is the wedding where we scolded for dancing too sexily. Me, dance sexily? No way. :) But those of you that know Tim, are like, "Tim? Dancing?!" Well, Drunk Tim, as we all know, was a different kind of beast. And I'm pretty sure he was trying to impress me with all of the sweet moves that he had :) Today, I'm not sure I could get him on the dance floor- and definitely not without 3-5 Crown and Cokes (all Crown, splash of Coke). We seriously had a good time- we were in great company, we were dancing the night away, possibly drinking the night away, and laughed the whole night. I can't remember when I had so much fun with a date at a wedding. No fighting, no arguing, so snide comments. Just laughter and smiles, and some dirty dancing.

 

 

"Miss You" by Foster The People was one of the songs we used to send back and forth to each other when we wanted to say "I miss you." We argued over who discovered them first- He actually saw them in concert a week before I did, but I had bought my tickets for the concert way before he bought his, so it was a toss up. Either way, Foster The People is an amazing show with some killer shoulder shrugs. Good thing we got to see them together in good, ole' Cbus. Per usual, we had an epic time. I miss him so much. Every minute of every day. I'm constantly thrown back into memories of us that make me smile, or laugh, or cry. I just honestly still don't believe that he's gone. And that it's been 3 months. I miss every little single thing about him.

 

"Miss You"- Foster The People

 

Forget your problems

Lay it down and start up

In a sense of what you are is what I want

 

I've ran my colors

dripped down and drained out

Tried a million things, but my heart's been shot

 

I hope you try to find me

I almost found a place and

I know what you wanna say so say it

 

Forget the words speaking

Just wanna rearrange

So I'll just say it

 

Yeah, I really miss you, miss you, I said

Smile at the chance just to see you again

I really miss you, miss you, I said

Yeah Yeah Yeah

 

Heat stroke, dislike

Wrong things that I think are right

I never knew that I could go as far as this

 

Optical problem, easily forgotten

I knew I had them before I slipped

 

Oh I wanna change it, I will live a life

That makes you smile when I'm gone in a long, long

Fever is speaking, just wanna see your face

Oh, what you say, what you say

 

Yeah, I really miss you, miss you, I said

Smile at the chance just to see you again

I really miss you, miss you, I said

Just look at me now before I walk away,

You just might miss me, miss me one day

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Kk-9YH7rDY

 



 

Walking After You.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear..."

Tim was one of the bravest people I know. I'm sure he was one of the bravest people you know. I think with it being both the Marine Corp birthday and Veterans Day this week, I have had an overwhelming sense of pride when I think of Tim. I am so proud to have known him. He was the bravest fighter. I wish I had known him back when he was in the Marine Corp because I love hearing stories about that time in his life. I found a DVD stashed in our collection that Ben had made of some of their time in Japan, titled "DD214", and I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet, though I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I'm ready to see his face on a screen quite yet. Maybe I'll have to have a viewing party of sorts.

 

This week has not been a good week. I feel so totally defeated. I feel sad, hopeless, lonely, mad, moody- I'm just not in a good place this week. I don't have a ton of positivity right now, and I'm just accepting it. Every day is a new day, though. Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake up with a little more hope, and a little less defeat. Maybe not. I'm just accepting the days as they come, and accepting the tears when they come, and accepting the anger when it comes.
I also had to get rid of Tim's car this week. It sucks because I'm so sad when I look at the parking spot and his car isn't there. He loved that car. He was debating on getting it last year, and of course I was egging him on. When he picked me up from the airport last July, I knew he made the right choice. I mean, come on, he was pretty damn handsome pulling up in that car, with the cutest dog in the back of it. I opened the door and just said, "YES." I loved that car too. All the little road trips we took. Listening to his iPod on shuffle. Singing out loud. Holding hands. Looking at the ocean. Sophie misses it too.

Overall this week, I just want Tim to be proud of me.  I want him to be proud of me taking what we learned from his experience, and using it to help and educate others. I've been giving my group fitness classes this month little tidbits of knowledge about lung cancer, and inviting them to the candlelight vigil tomorrow. I'm not sure if they care, or if it's absorbing, but it makes me feel better to help spread the word to end the stigma of Lung Cancer. To help out if you can. To donate your money, time, or energy to spread the word. I think if people just learn a little bit, and open their eyes a little bit, then my job is working. I hope Tim is proud of that. After I moved out here and landed my job at Road Runner and a job teaching fitness classes in the same week, I remember him being so proud of me. He just made me feel like I could tackle the world. Like I was the most amazing person he had ever met. He wrote the sweetest note on Facebook because he was so proud of me, and it makes me cry every time I think about it. Tim wasn't one to shout out from the rooftops, but he did for me. He also wasn't one to buy flowers, but one morning after I escaped to yoga, I came home to find only Karlene at the house. Neither of us knew where Tim had disappeared off to, and he was feeling so sick that morning. He opened the door 15 minutes later with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands for me. Just because he said I was an amazing woman.

Tim knew what the probable outcome was of his diagnosis, and still, he didn't let it defeat him. His heart, head, and mind triumphed over the fear. Yes, he had bad days, and when he did, I was there to remind him to fight- to fight for his life, to fight for us, to fight for his future. He did so with that amazing smile, wonderful laugh, and genuine hope. He used to smile and chuckle when people would ask him how he's doing. His usual reply was, "I'm healthy... except that I have cancer." He used to tell Dr. Reismann that he felt bad for being on disability because for the most part, he felt pretty good. We would hike or walk every week, he was riding a mountain bike for a period of time, he would take Sophie to the beach or park and play with her- he was doing very active things for someone who had Stage 4 cancer. I remember when I first arrived here, he was so weak. He was at 160 lbs and losing more every day, and in a lot of pain. I was easing him into gentle stretching, and trying to get him to walk or exercise a little bit each day. One day, we made it down to the mailbox and back, and that was a huge accomplishment! That's how bad he was. I got him back up and moving in no time, fattened him up quite a bit, and pushed him back into that brave man I knew. Right before I took Tim into the hospital for the last time, I tried to make him walk to the mailbox with me and back. He could barely make it. I had such a heavy heart seeing this full circle again, but I pushed him to make it back around the building. In my eyes, everything was going to be OK. We had each other. Tim was a fighter. We were going to make it. That's why this week, I chose "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters. It might be a toss-up between Deftones and Foo Fighters as Tim's favorite band (I still say Deftones), and this song is beautiful. I was always walking with Tim. Beside him. Behind him. Following him. Leading him. Things will not do without him, matter of fact.

Walking After You
Foo Fighters

Tonight, I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you

If you accept surrender, give up some more
weren't you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNwkN9vrUYY

Big Jet Plane.

The leaves believe

Such letting go is love

Such love is faith

Such faith is grace

Such grace is god

 

 

It's been one year ago today that I packed up all my belongings, said my tearful goodbyes to my family and friends, and headed off to the West Coast. I never imagined seeing this day without Tim- I pictured us doing our favorite "San Diego" things, cramming it all into one fun-filled weekend of celebration. The Zoo. Old Town. Sailing. The Dog Beach. Tacos and margaritas. Snooze. (Ok, Snooze is just for me since Tim was just impartial to the restaurant, but seriously, it's amazing). It's very hard for me to imagine that I've only been here a year- I feel like it's been a much longer time than that. I guess I've been dealing with more than the average person this year, so maybe that has something to do with it. It just sucks that Tim isn't here to tease me about this day- "See? I told you California was way better than Ohio". If he were here, I probably would have woken up with a huge smile on my face and said, "Bear!!! Today is the day that I moved here! And we started this amazing adventure together! And I love you so much!" And he would have said, "Ugh, Bear, it's too early, go back to bed" :)

 

The day that I moved here, we were both excited. When my plane arrived in Vegas, I had a text message from Tim- "Your plane to San Diego was canceled. Call me." My heart fell. I was seriously never going to get to San Diego. Luckily, Tim's amazing mom works for US Air, so she was able to help me on a flight to Ontario, the airport she works in, and then she offered to drive me to San Diego from there when she got off of work. I think by time we arrived, it was after midnight. Tim was waiting for us to pull in, and I swung open the car door and ran to him. We hugged for what seemed like hours, and he whispered in my ear, "I love you." I was home.

I realized this weekend that I have been avoiding my bed, except to sleep in it. I have somehow managed to stack all the pillows that we own, random clothes, a purse, and a blanket, all on Tim's side of the bed, creating some sort of barrier. I woke up on Saturday (I may or may not have been hungover from the night before), and instead of staying in bed and watching TV, I went straight for the couch and back to sleep. This might be normal for people with normal couches. But our couch is the WORST. I hate it. I would never in a million years leave my comfortable bed for this stupid couch. But I did. And I realized that I have been avoiding the bedroom like the plague. I don't like being in there without Tim. That was our room, our bed, our personal things, our place to relax and shut the world out. Our place to snuggle for BearTime. Our place to sleep in. Our place to have breakfast in bed. I hate being in there alone. And apparently my subconscious does too. But that couch is the worst to me, so I sucked it up and snuggled with Sophie in bed for the rest of the day. And there was some Rubios eating in there somewhere too.

Like I mentioned earlier, I might have been hungover on Saturday from an awesome Girls Night Out on Friday with some beautiful ladies, Melody and Liz. It was pretty dead in San Diego since Friday followed Halloween, however, that did not stop me from throwing on a dress and heels, cabbing it down to the Hard Rock, and just letting loose. Not caring about anything. Dancing to Dance Jam songs and being ridiculous. Stealing champagne from guys that have spent way too much money on table service. Turning down weird dudes in Fedoras. It was fun- Saturday was not fun- but Friday was a blast. Special thanks to Mel and Liz for being amazing and having an awesome time with me! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was a nice escape for me, and I'm totally thankful for it.

 

I'm so happy I got on that plane one year ago today. I'm so happy I got to spend the time that I did with Tim. I'm so happy I felt our love, even if it wasn't for a lifetime together. I'm so happy that I have an amazing job, and great new friends, and exciting new opportunities in my life. I don't regret anything that I did with Tim, for Tim, or for myself. I would do it all over in a heartbeat, even if this was the outcome. I hope one day to be that happy again. To love that way again. To be loved that way again.

 

Big Jet Plane- Angus and Julia Stone

 

She said "hello mister, pleased to meet ya"
I wanna hold her, I wanna kiss her
She smelled of daisies, she smelled of daisies
She drive me crazy, she drive me crazy

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

 Be my lover, my lady river
Can I take ya, take ya higher

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home
Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
 

 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFTvbcNhEgc

 


 

Wolves In The Garden.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived..."

As I see it, my life after Tim could have gone two ways- I could either fear life without him, and hide in my closet forever, or I could fear life without him, and face it head on, with an army of family and friends behind me. I chose the latter. I chose to wake up in the morning, look at the sun, and tackle the day. I chose to honor Tim every day, in little or big ways. I chose to fight. That's what he would have wanted.
On Saturday night, I had a dream. It was a normal dream, with Tim in it, and we were hanging out at some friend's house- it was a party of sorts. Nothing amazing was happening in this dream. Then, the dream literally stopped, and it was just Tim and I, nothing else around us, just blackness. His hands were holding my face and he said, "It hurts me to see how sad you are every day. I want you to know how much I love you, and I want to thank you for everything that you did for me." Then he kissed me. And then my eyes flew open. It was a similar feeling to the dream I had where he held me in bed,- it was so real. I swear he was speaking to me from somewhere. I can't tell you how incredible it was and also how crazy it sounds. I know it sounds crazy. But this was real, and I know that he's proud of me for not fearing the sunrise every day.
Lately, some pretty tough things have been happening to the people around me. These people are taking the route I have chosen for myself, and facing fear head on. They are embracing the change in their life to love a little bit bigger, be a little bit kinder, be a better friend, be more supportive, be more accepting. We can't live in fear of the unknown. We know it's out there- cancer, death, injuries, job loss, divorce- whatever scares you the most. I want to share a few quotes from the beautiful people that are facing some tragedy this month-

"I've always believed it does no good to put hate in the world, hate only breeds hate..Cherish the gifts in your life. Make sure to tell someone you care about today how much they mean to you. So here's to love."- Julie Wilkes, who lost a dear friend to a dreadful crime last week.

"Tonight I tell my kids. And I ask for prayers of strength. As it is now me and them. Our new Team Hurst. Little things like Donuts with Daddy this coming week and ski adventures will be hard. And that is when I feel the weakest, pray for strength that I can honor David daily and be the parent he was to them and love them and show them, just like their daddy did, how to live. That we together as a family, will live carrying David with us each day"- Dana Hurst, who lost her beloved husband to cancer this past weekend. 

And though I don't have a direct quote from Sara, my sunshine of a best friend, her mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this month. When she told me, she had already gracefully decided to tackle this head on, to support her mother with love, to pray for her recovery, and treat this not as something to be sad about, but as a way to celebrate their family's love, life, and faith.

These people inspire me to keep moving, to keep loving, to keep living. They inspire me to look at the future not with sadness and darkness, but with light and hope. I had drinks and dinner with Denette (Tim's amazing and wonderful cousin) and her good friend, Paige, who lost her husband 6 months ago in a motorcycle accident. Paige made me feel like it was OK to think about the future. That it was OK to grieve, but you don't have to be a total hot hot mess. That it was OK to smile and laugh. It was a nice feeling to share some of those thoughts with someone who is going through a similar situation. It was comforting. Though, it doesn't make it easier to picture my future self without him. It doesn't make it easier to not feel sad, or cry every day, or get angry. It doesn't make life easier, but it makes it tolerable.
My favorite surprising moment with Tim- On St Patrick's Day last year, Tim flew to Columbus and we went out with my dear friend Carly and her husband. We went to this pit of a place that was seriously behind a gas station, yet everyone thought it was soooo cool (it's a drag, sorry Andy!). I always forget the name of that damn place (Carly, help a girl out here). We had a super fun night anyway, of course, and got a little tipsy. Tim was telling me a story about someone's girlfriend that was mad at them because he wasn't into PDA. He moved really close to me at that point in the story and said, "She was mad because he would never kiss her like this..." and then he pulled me close, dipped me back and gave me the sweetest kiss I have ever had. The world stopped. The noise stopped. There was no one in that bar but us for the duration of that kiss. Fairytales :)
(I tried to make him recreate it for this pic)

 

 

The first band that Tim ever told me to check out that I had never heard of was The Deadly Syndrome. I chose their song, Wolves in the Garden, for this entry because it sums up what I preach all the time now- that even though you know there are bad things out there and waiting for you, you still play in the sun, smile, laugh, and live your life. That's the only way to live.

 

 

Wolves in the Garden- The Deadly Syndrome

 

You say you're going to the garden,

and I should come and play

I feel like I should tell you

there were wolves there yesterday

We walked, and I said nothing

I didn't want to hurt the mood

I know we can't outrun them,

But the flowers smell so good

Those wolves in the garden...

It's a sunny morning,

They gave no warning

Those wolves, Those wolves

In the garden.

I know I could have saved us,

But we'd have never known this day

If this is where we had to go,

Then I'm glad we went this way

All that's left to see is

What kind of flowers we'll become

I'm sure we'll be the kind

that brings children out into the sun

Those wolves in the garden

 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsfiCi_qWfY
 

King and Lionheart.

"Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die, cut him out into little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with night..."

I would have followed Tim anywhere. If he wanted to go to Russia, I would have packed us the best jackets. If he wanted to go to the moon, I would brushed up on my space knowledge. If he wanted to go live in a tent in the jungle, I would think he's crazy, but I would have tossed bug spray in my bag and followed him. I was madly in love with him. When you're madly in love, you don't care if you're sitting in a snake pit, or sailing the waters, as long as you're together, you feel safe. He was my safety. My protector. He was my King, and I his Lionheart.
My mom got us a Groupon to take some sailing lessons last Valentine's Day. A cute little gift that turned into a mild obsession of ours. Once we had the lesson, we were hooked. Tim probably more so. He was so comfortable out there on the water (not that sailing a small Capri is hard, but I was more timid than he was). We had a "typical" SoCal girl teach how to sail (when she was actually from Texas! Would have never guessed) and then we were on our own. We had so much fun that day, just sailing in the beautiful sun, enjoying each others company. We enjoyed it so much that we decided a few weekends later to go out again by ourselves. We had another amazing time, until the clouds rolled in. Then we were stuck. We could see the dock- we could have swam to it!- but our boat just sat there in the still water. It suddenly became super chilly, and Tim was in and out of the water trying to push this boat along the shoreline because he was too stubborn (and cheap) to call for a tow. And so we sat. We were chilled to the bone, and getting heckled by some half-homeless, ignorant, high, dirty teenagers that were fishing next to us. I can't believe we kept our cool. Finally, Tim said, "Just call them already!" and we waited another 45 minutes for them to come get us, from a dock that we could see with our own eyes. The company ended up being super nice about the situation, not charging us a fee for going over our hours, and not laughing at us when we pulled in to the dock. I remember we were so cold, and we started running toward the car. All of a sudden we both started laughing so hard- we couldn't believe that just happened! We were laughing all the way to the car, swearing to each other up and down that we would NEVER tell another soul about this. Never! Laughing on the way back to the car is one of the best memories I have with him. The fact that we didn't throw each other off of the boat was amazing in my mind- and then we laughed about it all the way home.

I've been trying to honor Tim the best way I know how- by surrounding myself with people that we both loved and cared for, and doing things with those people that we would have both enjoyed. I think #timstrongoctober has been going very well- I've been packing my schedule with events that I know Tim would have liked. Disneyland with Sara. Apple picking in Julian with the Wirth Family. Italian Festa with the Tanksley crew. Avila Valley Barn with the Courtneys. I've seen some great posts from other people as well, celebrating Tim and his life. There were moments during these outings that I felt so sad because Tim wasn't there with us. It's still very hard for me to comprehend that he's no longer in this world- it just doesn't seem possible.

 

 

As I drove down the 101 back from Ben and Calisse's house, past the beautiful ocean and blue skies, I felt so alone. I have only ever driven that route with Tim right next to me, and this was my first trip alone without him. I'm always in such awe of the drive up and back from Santa Ynez because it's absolutely stunning- and it now reminds me of Tim and how beautiful he was, how happy we were, and how much we loved life together. We drove up and down the coast quite a bit, and everything reminded me of a conversation we had, or something he told me, or how we would just sit quietly, listening to music and staring out at the beautiful coastline. I miss him so much. My King. My Everything. My World.

We never got to see Of Monsters and Men in concert- it was on our To-Do list together. Tim was pissed that they were to going to Columbus, and not San Diego (but I told him- Columbus has an amazing music scene!). The last 2 months of his life, he was listening to their album non-stop. The album is absolutely stunning, beautiful, and slightly haunting. I tried to listen to it today at work, but still couldn't make it past the first song. In time, I will. This is one of my favorites. Goodnight my love, my Romeo.

 

King and Lionheart- Of Monsters and Men

 

Taking over this town, they should worry.
But these problems aside, I think I've taught you well.
That we won't run, and we won't run, and we won't run.
That we won't run, and we won't run, and we won't run.

And in the winter night sky, ships are sailing,
Looking down on these bright blue city lights.
And they won't wait, and they won't wait, and they won't wait.
We're here to stay, we're here to stay, we're here to stay.

Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear,
But you're a king, and I'm a lionheart.
A lionheart.

His crown lit up the way as we moved slowly,
Past the watering eyes of the ones we've left behind.
Though far away, though far away, though far away,
We're still the same, we're still the same, we're still the same.

Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear
But you're a king, and I'm a lionheart.

And in the sea that's painted black
Creatures lurk below the deck
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart.

As the world comes to an end, I'll be there to hold your hand
'Cause you're my king, and I'm your lionheart.
A lionheart.

Howling ghosts they reappear
In mountains that are stacked with fear
But you're a king, and I'm a lionheart.

And in the sea that's painted black
Creatures lurk below the deck
But you're a king and I'm a lionheart.
A lionheart

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A76a_LNIYwE