Wolves In The Garden.

"A life lived in fear is a life half lived..."

As I see it, my life after Tim could have gone two ways- I could either fear life without him, and hide in my closet forever, or I could fear life without him, and face it head on, with an army of family and friends behind me. I chose the latter. I chose to wake up in the morning, look at the sun, and tackle the day. I chose to honor Tim every day, in little or big ways. I chose to fight. That's what he would have wanted.
On Saturday night, I had a dream. It was a normal dream, with Tim in it, and we were hanging out at some friend's house- it was a party of sorts. Nothing amazing was happening in this dream. Then, the dream literally stopped, and it was just Tim and I, nothing else around us, just blackness. His hands were holding my face and he said, "It hurts me to see how sad you are every day. I want you to know how much I love you, and I want to thank you for everything that you did for me." Then he kissed me. And then my eyes flew open. It was a similar feeling to the dream I had where he held me in bed,- it was so real. I swear he was speaking to me from somewhere. I can't tell you how incredible it was and also how crazy it sounds. I know it sounds crazy. But this was real, and I know that he's proud of me for not fearing the sunrise every day.
Lately, some pretty tough things have been happening to the people around me. These people are taking the route I have chosen for myself, and facing fear head on. They are embracing the change in their life to love a little bit bigger, be a little bit kinder, be a better friend, be more supportive, be more accepting. We can't live in fear of the unknown. We know it's out there- cancer, death, injuries, job loss, divorce- whatever scares you the most. I want to share a few quotes from the beautiful people that are facing some tragedy this month-

"I've always believed it does no good to put hate in the world, hate only breeds hate..Cherish the gifts in your life. Make sure to tell someone you care about today how much they mean to you. So here's to love."- Julie Wilkes, who lost a dear friend to a dreadful crime last week.

"Tonight I tell my kids. And I ask for prayers of strength. As it is now me and them. Our new Team Hurst. Little things like Donuts with Daddy this coming week and ski adventures will be hard. And that is when I feel the weakest, pray for strength that I can honor David daily and be the parent he was to them and love them and show them, just like their daddy did, how to live. That we together as a family, will live carrying David with us each day"- Dana Hurst, who lost her beloved husband to cancer this past weekend. 

And though I don't have a direct quote from Sara, my sunshine of a best friend, her mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer this month. When she told me, she had already gracefully decided to tackle this head on, to support her mother with love, to pray for her recovery, and treat this not as something to be sad about, but as a way to celebrate their family's love, life, and faith.

These people inspire me to keep moving, to keep loving, to keep living. They inspire me to look at the future not with sadness and darkness, but with light and hope. I had drinks and dinner with Denette (Tim's amazing and wonderful cousin) and her good friend, Paige, who lost her husband 6 months ago in a motorcycle accident. Paige made me feel like it was OK to think about the future. That it was OK to grieve, but you don't have to be a total hot hot mess. That it was OK to smile and laugh. It was a nice feeling to share some of those thoughts with someone who is going through a similar situation. It was comforting. Though, it doesn't make it easier to picture my future self without him. It doesn't make it easier to not feel sad, or cry every day, or get angry. It doesn't make life easier, but it makes it tolerable.
My favorite surprising moment with Tim- On St Patrick's Day last year, Tim flew to Columbus and we went out with my dear friend Carly and her husband. We went to this pit of a place that was seriously behind a gas station, yet everyone thought it was soooo cool (it's a drag, sorry Andy!). I always forget the name of that damn place (Carly, help a girl out here). We had a super fun night anyway, of course, and got a little tipsy. Tim was telling me a story about someone's girlfriend that was mad at them because he wasn't into PDA. He moved really close to me at that point in the story and said, "She was mad because he would never kiss her like this..." and then he pulled me close, dipped me back and gave me the sweetest kiss I have ever had. The world stopped. The noise stopped. There was no one in that bar but us for the duration of that kiss. Fairytales :)
(I tried to make him recreate it for this pic)

 

 

The first band that Tim ever told me to check out that I had never heard of was The Deadly Syndrome. I chose their song, Wolves in the Garden, for this entry because it sums up what I preach all the time now- that even though you know there are bad things out there and waiting for you, you still play in the sun, smile, laugh, and live your life. That's the only way to live.

 

 

Wolves in the Garden- The Deadly Syndrome

 

You say you're going to the garden,

and I should come and play

I feel like I should tell you

there were wolves there yesterday

We walked, and I said nothing

I didn't want to hurt the mood

I know we can't outrun them,

But the flowers smell so good

Those wolves in the garden...

It's a sunny morning,

They gave no warning

Those wolves, Those wolves

In the garden.

I know I could have saved us,

But we'd have never known this day

If this is where we had to go,

Then I'm glad we went this way

All that's left to see is

What kind of flowers we'll become

I'm sure we'll be the kind

that brings children out into the sun

Those wolves in the garden

 



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsfiCi_qWfY