What Sarah Said.

"I believe that tears can heal, that memories can comfort, and love lives on forever..."

I'm haunted every day by images of Tim's last day on Earth. The images scroll through my brain like a slideshow, causing me to stare into space while driving, stop in my tracks while walking Sophie, or mindlessly stare at my computer at work. These are not images that I invite in, they just appear to haunt me and cause the tears to run fluidly and my heart to drop out of my body. Sometimes I wish I could have someone wipe my memory clean of what happened that day, so I would only think of Tim how I like to remember him. That morning seemed too short yet too long, and I hope to never again experience anything like it. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy- to watch someone that you love die. To watch them take their last breath. To kiss their cold lips as a final farewell. Some days, I think I'm doing OK, but then these devilish images come flying at me to remind me that I went to hell and I'm still stuck somewhere between there and Earth. I can only imagine that it's what hell must be like. I've only opened up to a few people about the particulars of that day, and I honestly won't go into much detail here because if you weren't there, you don't need to picture it. I want you to picture Tim how you knew him, how you loved him, how real he was to you. Picture him healthy and alive, sarcastic and funny, happy. Those are the images that I invite in as the slideshow- his smile, his amazing laugh, his beautiful blue eyes. The images of us snuggling, playing with Sophie, listening to music, sailing. Images of us watching TV, eating dinner together, going for ice cream, hiking, kissing, driving in his fast car. Those are the images that I allow in my head to dance around like a movie montage to make me smile and remember him as he needs to be remembered.

My absolute favorite memory of Tim and I was May 7, 2012. I flew out to San Diego for my birthday weekend, and he surprised me with Death Cab for Cutie tickets at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown LA. He gave them to me that morning and said, "We better get dressed and hit the road. You have a great night ahead of you." I was ecstatic. Now, Death Cab is my favorite band. And I had seen them 5 times before this concert. But I was going to get to see them in LA! At the spectacular and amazing Walt Disney Concert Hall! Accompanied by the Magik Magik Orchestra! With Tim! I can't really describe to you how amazing that concert was. All of those elements combined made for such a surreal and indescribable night for us. We both left the concert and said, "Wow." There was nothing like it. We grinned from ear to ear after the concert because we felt like we had just taken part in something that we would never feel again. Something that only few people in this world were able to experience. We emailed each other back and forth for weeks different videos of that night that we had found on YouTube. We would tell each other every day, "Let's go back to that night!".

 

 

I'm so happy that I got to spend the last 2 1/2  years with Tim. I have so many amazing and wonderful with him. He is forever in my head, in my heart, in my world. I knew from the moment I shook his hand that he would change the world as I knew it. He will forever be my love, my light, my bear, my home.  I remember there were nights that I would lie in bed curled up next to him, press my body into his back, and just try to send all my love and positive energy to him to fight his cancer. I would envision all my goodness, all my energy, all my health, flowing into his body and helping get rid of his cancer.

At the Death Cab concert, Tim heard a song that he had never heard before. I had heard it several times, obviously being the Number One fan (shout out to Carly), but had never really acknowledged the lyrics. Tim was struck by this song, and said it was one of his favorite songs by Death Cab. "What Sarah Said" played so deeply into the last year of our lives. The ending line sings, "Love is watching someone die. So who's going to watch you die?". I loved Tim with everything I could. I tried to be so strong for him- I never wanted to let him see me cry (at least about his cancer- I cried about our damn couch, Sophie's fleas, sappy movies, the usual) and I wanted him to know that he could lean on me for support, as a fighting sidekick, as a friend, and as his love. I am honored and blessed that he chose me to be by his side during his cancer, to watch him die those last few days, to give him his final kiss, to love him to his last breath. I am forever changed by him, by our relationship, and by the things that we endured together. My favorite line in the song is "But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all..." He is the reason I wake and the reason I walk this Earth as a different woman.

 

What Sarah Said- Death Cab for Cutie

 

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said, that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQuVudn1-RE