Christmas Time Is Here.

"The chances of each of us coming into existence are infinitesimally small, and even though we shall all die some day, we should count ourselves fantastically lucky to get our decades in the sun..."

I have felt so extremely lucky this week. Lucky, blessed, happy. This feeling comes from all the wonderful people that I know in my life. People that I have known since birth, people that I have met here in California, and everyone that I have met along the way. How does one get so lucky?? I sat back on moving day this week, and thought to myself, Wow. I know some amazing people. I can't imagine my life without all of you in it. It's a very humbling feeling. I only hope that I can some day offer my strength, my support, my love, my thanks, and my gratefulness to you.
Christmas Time has always been a favorite time of year for me. I love the music, the joyfulness, the hope, the smiles, the love that surrounds you. I get to go home next week and see my family and friends, and I'm so excited! Though, I'm NOT excited for the cold weather. I have become a slight snob when it comes to temperature now. I'm giving my family and friends fair warning- there will be lots of complaining about the subzero temperatures I will be enduring next week. So Mom, you better have some blankets and hot cocoa ready :)
Last week, Karlene and I attended a candlelight memorial at Tim's funeral home. It was a really nice gathering- they decorated the tree with everyone's name that they were memorializing, gave us candles to light in their honor, and read a few sentences about each individual for all to hear. It was weird to be back there, similar to the feeling after going back to the hospital after these last few months. I had some flashbacks of us being there and how grief stricken we all were. I smile though, because even though it was obviously a sad time, I can remember a few laughs and smiles that we all had that day. I feel like going back to the hospital and the funeral home this last month has been an important part of the healing process. Like facing your fears. I faced the two places that I hate thinking about the most, and I walked out of there, still with my head high and love in my heart.

I attended my second annual San Diego Christmas Boat Parade this weekend. It's now one of my favorite traditions with Denette and Steve and their kids. Drinking hot chocolate, watching the boats covered in Christmas lights pass, and just enjoying everyone's company. I just seriously love that I live by the water! And that boats with Christmas lights are a normal thing! :) I had this weird sense that Tim was there with us- I could vividly see him taking his picture with all the boys on the rocks- it was a really nice feeling. Denette said later she could see him there too.

 

One of our memorable moments last year was Tim and I sitting in his near empty apartment (before we moved to our apartment), and him blasting the Charlie Brown Christmas music- all songs by Vince Guaraldi Trio. Tim loved jazz music. I love Christmas music. This was a perfect combination of happiness in our lives during December. I strongly recommend you listen to it this season. I can't help but think of him when I hear these songs out in the real world, and a smile creeps along my face. This Christmas is going to be really sad without him. Last year, we were in the ER on Christmas morning, and he said to me, "I bet this is the worst Christmas you have ever had." I said, "No, it's not. We're spending this day together. It's one of the best Christmas days I have ever had, no matter where we are." He rolled his eyes of course. :) But it was such a true statement. We could have been hanging out in a sewer, and it would have been a good Christmas. It's not about where you are, it's about who you get to spend it with. Who you get to share your love with. Who you get to smile at, and hug and kiss, and embrace your day with. I get to spend this whole month with people that I love, and I'm lucky. It doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when I think about him when I hear "Christmas Time is Here", but it does mean that you, the people that I'm grateful for, are helping to fill that sad hole in my heart with love and kindness and faith.

 

 

Here is one of my favorites to start you off. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays my dear friends!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVB18xbRMI4

Home.

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go...”  

This is the week. The week that I have been dreading since coming to terms with Tim's death.
It's moving week.
As you may know, the people that live in San Diego pay for the sunshine here, so I cannot afford to live in this great city by myself. Thankfully, I met Sarabeth through my good friend Chelsy, and I could breathe a little easier knowing that I was moving in with someone that I not only knew, but genuinely liked! We both also have chocolate labs, so Sophie will have a friend to keep her company. And I will too.
I'm very very very sad to leave this apartment. I'm mad about it. I'm heartbroken about it. I'm annoyed with it. This was our home. A place to call ours. Our shelter from the world outside. Our sanctuary. Our place to just be. I feel like when I move out of this place, I will have lost Tim forever. I can still feel him here. Until a few weeks ago when I started going through his belongings, I hadn't touched anything of his. I had left everything as he had before he died. It was like he was going to come home any minute. His flip flops by the door. His toothbrush in the holder. His messy side of the nightstand. His side of the closet full. All of our pictures still up on the walls, over the bed, displayed in frames on shelves. This new place is a fresh start. You have to know that I'm totally torn in two over this week. On the one side, I'm kicking and screaming inside about it. I don't want a fresh start. I don't want to pack up all of these things and decide what I want to keep. I don't want to live in a new place, with new pictures, and new beginnings. I want my old home back. The one where I slept next to Tim, where we watched movies, where we ate dinner together, and lunch together, and breakfast together. Where he made me fires in the fireplace and hot cocoa, where we snuggled by the fire on chilly nights, where we felt the warm breeze blow through the windows in the summer. On the other side, I'm a little excited for my new place. I picked up the key yesterday and walked around the apartment again and thought, Yes, I can see myself here. A small step closer to healing, yet a small step further away from him.
I will say that I finally feel like San Diego is my home. When I got off of the airplane from Denver after Thanksgiving, I was greeted by sunshine and palm trees, and I breathed in deeply and smiled. I was glad to be home. But I have homes everywhere. Obviously, Columbus is my first home, and where my family resides. It's where I was raised, where I learned my lessons, where I started dancing. It's where I can let my hair down and curl up next to my mom on the couch and watch stupid girly movies. It's where I can tease my brothers, walk into my dad's shop and feel proud that he's my dad, and where I can lounge with all of my family and friends and act as if time hasn't passed between us. I have a home in Kentucky, where I learned to be on my own, where I made some amazing friends, and where I learned to love the horse races and hate mint juleps. It's where I made a ton of mistakes, and had the time of my life. It's where I can look at the rolling hills and green grass and think fondly about the time that I spent there. I have homes in Virginia Beach, Indiana, Chicago, Maryland, and Colorado, each with their own charms, love, and friendships. San Diego is my new home. California in its entirety is my new home. I absolutely love it here. The scenery, the weather, the constant sunshine, the never-ending possibilities to occupy your time. It can be sad and lonely without my family and friends who know me best, but I'm slowly building up amazing friendships and relationships here that I am proud of.
So here I am. Packing up all my belongings. These bits and pieces from each home are helping guide my slowly down a path to recovery. I tried to carefully choose what I wanted to keep of Tim's, because let's face it, I wanted to keep it all. But I can't be selfish and hog all of it, and I can't keep all of it because I can't hold on to Tim like he never left. So I kept bits and pieces of him that make me smile, and laugh, and encourage me to finish the adventures that we didn't finish (camping! Maps to the Grand Canyon!). I'm not a camper, but Tim REALLY wanted us to go camping for a weekend, and because I could never say no to that face, I agreed. Karlene pulled out a little air mattress thing for camping the other week and laughed because he had told her that he needed to buy that for me since I wasn't really pumped about sleeping on the ground. I didn't even know that he had bought it for me. It made me smile/laugh/cry. I remember he took me to REI a few months ago, and I had to get in all these sleeping bags in the middle of store to see which one was right for me. He said I needed one with a hood- I didn't even know what that meant until he pulled it over my face. Ohhhh. The things you do for love.
I wrote out the lyrics to this song on one of the cards that I gave to Tim. I wanted him to never feel alone, to always feel like he was home with me. We were both going into the unknown, and thankfully we had each other to lean on and rely on. We tackled each day together- Woke up next to each other, and went to bed next to each other (Koala Bears!). We were home.

 

Home- Phillip Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HoRkntoHkIE
 

Come A Little Closer.

"It's the part of the show where it all fades away
When the lights go to black and the band leaves the stage
And you wanted an encore but there's no encore today
Cause the moment is now, can't get it back from the grave..."

Time is a sneaky little thing. It's been almost 4 months since I last saw Tim's face in RealTime, and it seems like yesterday. But sometimes it seems like 4 years. I guess what I realize, to the full extent now, is that time is precious. Time is an opportunity to seize the day- to do something you want to do, to say something you want to say, to make a difference in someone's world, if not your own. I want my time on this Earth to be meaningful. Karlene, Tiffany, and I went to a small memorial at Sharp Hospital last month, and they read a poem called "The Dash"- On your headstone, there will be a birthdate, and a death date, but what really matters is what the dash in between those years holds. Who you loved. What you accomplished. What impact you made. Where you traveled. What your time on this Earth equates to. We talk about Tim's dash all the time- all the memories he had for each one of us, all the times we laughed with him, all the times he made us mad, or made us smile, or made us thankful that we had someone like him in our lives. All the places he visited, the difference he made in each of our lives, and all the times that he deserved to get kicked in the shins. \
I love how long periods of time can sometimes feel like no time at all. We all have those friends that we don't talk to or see for long periods of time, and then you catch up over coffee and it seems like you just saw them last weekend. I saw Nancy last weekend in Denver, and that's exactly what it was like- a quick hug hello, a "How are you?", and then right into laughing and carrying on like we still lived in a 4-girl dorm in college. Same with Tasha, who I seriously drive 45 minutes to in order for her to take care of the mane on top of my head. Obviously, she's superb at what she does, but it's because even though I've only known Tasha for a short time, it seems like we have known each other for years. Time is funny that way.
I saw this little quote on Facebook the other day that said, "Your body will be around a lot longer than that expensive handbag. Invest in yourself." I don't know why, but that's been my mantra going forward this month. Those of you that know me know that I'm not the expensive handbag kind of girl, but it just reminded me that we are stuck with our bodies until the end of our time. We should be good to them. We shouldn't put poison in them. We shouldn't eat bad stuff (or at least in moderation, and NO, I refuse to count Rubio's as "bad" so don't even bring it up). We should workout, do yoga, relax, get massages, thank our bodies for putting up with all the shit we put them through. I took a leap forward and signed up with a personal trainer (I start next week, God help me), and yes, I know that I'm fit, especially in the cardio realm, but I need an extra push to get me where I want and need to be. That's where Sherry comes in, and I'm expecting her to push me to my limit and tell Fat Jess from College that she needs to go back into hiding. Indefinitely.
One of my favorite "times" with Tim, and one that I have been missing so miserably lately, was this:
I come home from work.
I yell out, "Bear!"
He's laying on the couch, watching History Channel, he replies "What, ya Bear?" Then gives me this little sly smile.
I walk over to the couch, give him a kiss, and just crawl up next to him, his body fitting mine exactly, my head buried in his chest. He runs his fingers through my hair and we ask each other about our days.
It's a blissful moment in time.
It seems like yesterday. Or sometimes a year ago. I kind of hate coming home from work now, when that's the moment I used to come home to.
I've been hearing this song on the radio quite a bit lately, and I like it more and more every time I hear it. Time flies by. It's happening as I write this. How did December sneak up on us so fast? How have I made it this far without a mental breakdown (obviously, this is because of the amazing love and support from friends and family, but still I wonder...)? How have I not gotten so lost here and ended up in Mexico? How have I survived 4 months without him? Where did the time go?
Let's make our dashes count.

Come A Little Closer- Cage The Elephant

Time shakes, found you at the water
At first you were my father, now I love you like a brother
Earthquakes shake the dust behind you
This world at times will blind you
Still I know I'll see you there

Chorus:
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Things aren’'t always what they seem to be
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been seein'
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been dreaming
Come a little closer then you'll see

Heartbreaks, the heavy world's upon your shoulders
Will we burn or we just smolder
So now I know I found you there
Mmm, wanna see if you can change it, change it
Still I know I'll see you there

Chorus:
Come a little closer, then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Things aren'’t always what they seem to be
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you've been seein'
Come on, come on, come on
Do you understand the things that you’'ve been dreaming
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come a little closer then you'll see

Ten thousand people stand alone now
And in the evening the sun sets,
Tomorrow it will rise
Time flies by, they all sing along
Time flies by, they all sing along
Time flies by, they all sing along
Time flies by, by

Chorus:
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come on, come on, come on
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come a little closer then you'll see
Come a little closer then you'll see

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYup3Qwh8Q