Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I Wanna Be Like Me.

"Never look down on anybody, unless you're helping them up..."

Stealing this quote from Rachel's Facebook page this morning, as she borrowed it from the great Snoop Dogg's Instagram feed. The Dogg is right. I've been struggling a little this week from the minor backlash and a few judgments I've received from my infamous Sunday Funday at the Hard Rock this past weekend. Can I share this photo with you again?
 
Tim taught me to have thick skin, to not worry about what other people think, and to just live my life how I want to live it. Which is exactly what I do on a daily basis. You cannot know me and love me without loving all of me. Loving the girl that has been through hell and back. Loving the girl that teaches dance classes and enjoys every second of it. Loving the girl that sits on 2 separate committees that raise funds to help end cancer. Loving the girl that *gasp* likes to party every once in awhile and just let loose. Loving the girl that loves and respects you back, that doesn't like to judge, that goes with the flow. Loving the girl that works hard every day, that juggles a million things per week, and that always tried to make herself available for her friends and family. If you don't like a piece of me, then I won't hold it against you. Just don't hold it against me.
Last night kicked off what is going to be a busy, busy summer for me, and for my San Diego friends as well. The Relay For Life Kickoff party starts the summer of fundraising, running, walking, advocacy, and education for helping to end this beast called "cancer". Denette, Steve, and Karlene all joined me for the night, and I know it helped Karlene think about some awesome fundraising opportunities for the Relay this year. Together, we will continue Tim's fight. We will remember him as he should be remembered. We will honor his life and hopefully make a difference in someone else's life. I wore the dress that I wore to Tim's funeral last night. I never thought I would ever wear it again- I can vividly remember sobbing in the dressing room after my mom told me I looked beautiful. I could only think about how I was looking beautiful to go to my boyfriend's funeral and I lost it. But this dress is a part of my journey, and it deserves to be a shown off during the journey. I might not be on the Relay committee if it wasn't for my loss, so it has special meaning to be worn.





I'm throwing it back to Sara Bareilles this week again. "I Wanna Be Like Me" is a song that says exactly that- I only want to be who I want to be. Not who people think I should be. Not who people think I ought to be. Just me. That's who Tim told me to be, and the woman he fell in love with. I will never apologize for being me, for enjoying every nook and cranny of life, for being a "Yes Woman". And I hope you do the same. I love every single one of my true friends and family for who they are, what they are to me, what they mean in my world and their own. And if I don't say it enough, I love you!

"I Wanna Be Like Me"- Sara Bareilles

Oh

What if I wanna be the one who
Never looks like anybody?
What if I wanna be the one who
Goes her own way?

Would you still believe in someone like me?

What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't belong here?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't fit in?

Would you find a new way to make room for me?

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me

Oh

What if I wanna be the one who
Doesn't need to hide?
What if I wanna be the one who
Won't apologize?
I'm not the enemy
Unless you want the truth to see

What if I wanna be the one who
You never understand?
Do you ever think you'll ever want to still try to hold my hand?
To get through to you I'm still trying to

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to make you cry
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Just because I was made to be exactly like me

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me

[Break]

What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?
What if I don't wanna be like you?

What if I don't wanna be like you?
Not to tear you down
What if I don't wanna be like you?
Because I found I was made to be exactly like me
I wanna be like me

I Wanna Be Like Me

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Islands.

"Gastby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter-- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther... And one fine morning--
       So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past..."

I'm scared that I won't be able to balance my past and my future. I'm worried that I could be obsessed with the past, so it ruins my future. That I could be obsessed with my future, so I forget the past. There's a fine line to balance these two worlds. More like a weighted scale that I'm trying keep balanced and upright. This weekend, the scale crashed into the past, and I was forced to stay there until I could balance myself out again. I was having drinks and dinner with Meredith and Sean, and there was this moment where she went to kiss him on the cheek, and he stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, and my scale tipped. Tim used to do that move to me all the time, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do that, or at least haven't noticed. That microscopic moment, one that most people wouldn't think twice about, sent me into a tailspin for two whole days. I couldn't dig myself out of it. I was completely filled with thoughts about Tim, and the montage started over and over and over again in my head. I finally settled down after a visit to the cemetery on Sunday. It was a beautiful day, and even though it was crowded due to the holiday, I felt at peace. I sprawled out on the grass, my fingers running through the blades and palms resting on the Earth. I turned on my music out loud, so Tim could listen too. I closed my eyes. I felt the sun beat into my skin. I breathed. And slowly the scale started to tip back toward the present. Toward the balance.



On the other side of the scale, I feel my future pulling at me. It's odd to me to be feel excited about a future without Tim in this world. But I remind myself that I deserve to be happy, and have a family of my own. I deserve to live this life to the fullest. He would want that. And if things were reversed, I would be looking down on him and saying the same thing. I just want you to be happy. I guess the universe has something else planned for me. At least I hope so. Spending my little infinity with Tim made me love more. It allowed me to feel something real. It revealed to me the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person that I am. Watching Tim die has allowed me not to fear death. It allowed me to feel emotions that I would never wish upon anyone, and yet have made me stronger. More confident. My past with Tim has molded me into this new person. Someone who can literally handle anything you throw at her. Someone who is loyal, and loves unconditionally. I hope my future is better for it.
I've been listening to this song, "Islands" a lot lately. I love Sara Bareilles and she can do no wrong, and this song is no exception. I do think of myself as an island. Isolated by my past and my emotions that people cannot relate to. I'm yearning to draw myself closer to the mainland, to be a part of a larger being again. It's a constant fear that my past will force me to stay an island- to not let anyone get too close for fear of losing them. When I'm an island, I'm safer. I can keep my emotions at bay. I can't get hurt. I can stay safe. But I will be looking at the mainland with longing and hope. Hope that one day I will be able to return. 

Islands- Sara Bareilles

Waiting for the bus stop
Waiting for the concrete black top to settle down
Long enough for me to get off and get a little ground
I'm ready for the sea change
Helpless felt this coming from a mile away
And now you're looking at me babe, and how we'll separate if we can
Cause I still count on one hand the number of good men I know

It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself that that's what I am

You always dirty up the windows
If you keep 'em at bay that way no one's gonna surprise you by getting too close
Anybody but me though
You've made exceptions to you rules
And now we're staring down truth neither one of us wants to know

It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have

Holding my breath until I know you're alright

Because the water will only rise.. 

Islands

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Eucalyptus

"It seemed to me that I had already seen everything pure and good in the world, and I was beginning to suspect that even if death didn't get in the way, the kind of love that Augustus and I share could never last. So dawn goes down to day, the poet wrote. Nothing gold can stay..."

When I pass by remnants of my past life with Tim, it feels like the world pauses for a moment, and I'm sucked back in time. Back to a time of love and laughter. Of sadness and hope. Of pain and suffering. Of light and gold. I pass by our old apartments- the first one that he and Joe lived in, the first place I called home here. We had no furniture for a month, except bedroom furniture. We curled up on his bed and watched The Daily Show on his Mac, scrolled through Netflix, listened to music. I made every meal and started trying to fatten him up while I looked for a job. Despite him being so sick when I first moved here, I was so incredibly happy to be in his presence. To be sleeping next to him every night. To know that I wasn't leaving in the morning, and we would both be there the next day. I pass by our other apartment- the one we made our home. The one we put our personalities into. The one where we laughed, cried, argued, smiled. The one where I cooked meals every night for him. The one where we had a schedule of TV shows that we watched every night together. The one where I walked in and he was there waiting for me. I pass by these places almost on a daily/weekly basis, and I think about these moments every time.

I appreciate everyone being patient with me while I walk through my grief. While I try to figure out this new life, and this new "beginning". It can't be easy to be my friend. To deal with my mixed bag of emotions. To not flinch when I so nonchalantly talk about Tim's death, because I know no other way to talk about it anymore but to be upfront. I will say that's a constant struggle- telling people whom I've just met the reason I moved out here. Let's face it- it's the first question I'm asked when I meet someone new. Most of us out here are transplants, so there has to be a reason, other than the sunshine and amazing weather, right? I used to dodge the question, but those pesky people would just keep asking away, so I eventually would just blurt it out. No one is ever prepared, and they don't know what to say, and then I feel the need to apologize for making the conversation turn awkward, though I shouldn't have to. But my friends get it. I feel safe enough with them to talk about it in normal conversation. To not hide or censor myself. I think maybe that's a tough part for dealing with grief- you don't want to seem like an emotional burden to your friends and family, so you just don't talk about it with them. Too bad for my family and friends, who I have deemed my therapists. And every one of them has stepped up to the plate, and listened, and not judged me, and gave me their love and support, even to this day, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The first band that Tim told me to listen to was The Deadly Syndrome. He texted me the week after we met to listen to "Emily Paints" and "Eucalyptus". They came out with 3 albums pretty fast, then broke up even faster. But I only think about Tim when I hear them, and little did I know that several of their songs would help me through my grief of losing him. I like this song because it creates a similar world to mine- First, a world where Tim and I hid from the outside world and just enjoyed our time together. Second, a world where I had to say goodbye to him, and see what else is on the other side- "I think I see a distant light, I need to find out what those are..." Here's to me finding those lights.

Eucalyptus- The Deadly Syndrome
I'll plant a row
Of eucalyptus
And they will grow
Up to protect us
They'll block the rain, oh
With their salty leaves
They'll keep the wind oh
From our short short sleeves
Well if he comes
And tries to find us
We'll just grab hold
Branches above us
And we'll sit up here
We will wait a year
We'll come back, oh
We'll come back when the coast is clear
Oh no.. oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
It's a row, (a row), a row
A row of stumps surrounding us
It's bright and cold and lonesome
We must have cut them down in our sleep
In our sleep we must have cut down all the trees
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
And now the wind, it hits our sleeves
It's freezing we got colder
Older, we got older
Without those trunks surrounding us
I can see for miles tonight
And I think I see a distant light
And I need to find out what those are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Sorry about the stumps
Sorry about the stumps
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You're sitting here on bloody knees
Where once were eucalyptus trees
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night

Eucalyptus

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Stay Young, Go Dancing.

"Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but A Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close, and you look at the person who loves you and smile..."

"Strong" has become a word used to describe me, and I even sometimes use it to describe myself when I think I'm having a "strong" day. As I've grown-up, gotten older, learned more about the world, I've become stronger. More level-headed. More patient. More kind. More confident. So when I feel a moment of weakness, and my confidence is crushed, and my strength is stripped away momentarily, I feel devastated. I feel so alone. It's more real to me that Tim is gone in these moments because I don't have him to run to. I don't have him to tell me why I matter. Why he chose me. I always felt special with Tim. Let's face it- you had to earn Tim's respect. You had to earn the right for him to like you. For him to call you a friend. For him to give a shit. Somehow I broke through him and he chose me and I felt special because of it. Lately, when my confidence is failing, and my hard exterior is crumbling down, I think about how I was worth something to him. And I think about all the people that are worth something to me. The people that love me unconditionally- will fight for me, will support me, will embrace me, will be my strength when mine falters- and I start to remember who I am, and what I am, and how special I can be. And how strong I can be. They make me feel like I have a place in this world. Or at least, my place will one day soon be found.

I'm turning 30 in a month, and I've been putting a lot of emphasis on having a crazy celebration. I never really like to go all-out for my birthday- and maybe I'm trying to overcompensate for any sadness I will feel on that day (not because of my age, but because Tim isn't here to see it). But I also just want to have fun. And let loose. And remind myself that I'm still alive and my life is just beginning in this city. I'm putting the bubble back together, piece by piece. Tiny piece by tiny piece. And someday soon, I will be whole again. And fully alive again. And maybe 30 is the beginning of that journey for me. I feel healthier than I have ever felt. I'm more confident, and I think that plays into the fact that I've been through some shit these past 2 years. And you can't do anything to me or say anything to me that will hurt me more than watching the man that I'm madly in love with die.

I love this song, "Stay Young, Go Dancing" because it's what I preach every Tuesday and Wednesday night. Dancing is, and always has been, an outlet for me. A creative expression. An emotional punching bag. Rachel and I have danced so hard before during difficult times in our lives, that afterward, we break down and sob. The release is terrifying, yet comforting. Dance has kept both of us sane and grounded. It has kept us healthy in body, mind, and soul. It has made us more confident, created more self-worth, and allowed us to express our feelings in a way that can't be said in words. Sometimes it's anger. Sometimes it's sadness. Sometimes it's joy. I hope everyone has a "dance" in their lives, and if not, you need to find one ASAP. I can't survive without it.

"Stay Young, Go Dancing"- Death Cab For Cutie

Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down

Lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days
Of a thousand rainy days
But when I heard her voice, oh it led me to the end
Yes it led me to the end

Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through autumn's advancing
We'll stay young, go dancing

As the music plays
Feel our bodies' sway
When we move as one
We stay young
(Go dancing)

Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, oh it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down

Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through winter's advancing
We'll stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing



Stay Young, Go Dancing



Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Haunted Heart.

"And for me, that was the final and truly unbearable tragedy: Like all the innumerable dead, he'd once and for all been demoted from haunted to haunter..."

I've been mildly struggling with this foreign concept called "dating". I've genuinely never really "dated" before. Looking back, I have known all of my boyfriends before we started dating, so there was never that weird first date, or awkward first kiss- it just seemed to flow and continue beyond friendship. I'm scared to jump into this new realm because it's completely unknown to me, and there are so many factors that make me nervous and scared and want to hide under my covers for the rest of my life.
Am I ready? I guess I'll never know unless I try. While I miss Tim tremendously every day, I know that he would never want me to be alone, mourning him for the rest of my life. He would basically tell me that I'm a creep, and that if I never move on, I'll be in my own version of Grey Gardens, which he knows frightens the hell out of me. Honestly, I miss having a male companion- someone to make me feel safe. Protected. Adored.
Has enough time passed? What is the meaning of that anyway? There is no friend, no book, no therapist that can tell you when enough "time" has passed. Time is a tricky thing. One minute I'm completely happy, and the next I'm sobbing on the floor. It's an individual measurement, and I refuse to let anyway tell me otherwise. I still worry about other people's opinions, and my own brain's opinions. Am I disrespecting Tim's memory if I think about moving on? Am I opening up wounds that I've been carefully keeping sealed?
Are my family/friends, and Tim's family/friends ready? I feel like there might be nothing more gut wrenching than introducing a new guy to Tim's friends and family. I'm obviously still very close to them, they are my home away from home. I feel like the guy will have to be pretty damn special for me to even cross that bridge, so there's definitely some time.
How will these new guys react to New Jess? New Jess comes with baggage. She's heartbroken. Angry. Sad. There will be inevitable mood swings for no reason at all. And they will have to accept that Tim's death is part of my life- I will never forget him, I will always talk about him, about us, I will always be continuing his fight. He will also have to accept that I was madly in love with Tim. Truly in love. We didn't get our chance to finish "us". He will have to be patient. And kind. And accepting. Willing to give me space, but not be too far away. So... I'm basically looking for a Superman here.
I have to continue to repeat this mantra in my head- "A life lived in a fear is a life half lived." I cannot fear the unknown. I cannot let opportunities pass me up because I'm scared of rejection. I have to start opening up my heart a tiny bit- a crack in the armor for someone to peer inside. "Grief doesn't change you, Hazel. It reveals you." I'm still thinking about this line. Tim's death has revealed to me that I am optimistic. I'm accepting.
My heart is still haunted by memories of Tim. Memories that will never leave, but perhaps will move and shift to make room for new memories. They will become brighter with my new memories, lighter, happier. They will be amplified and complemented by these new memories.

"Haunted Heart"- Little Hurricane
I’ll be your thief in the night so I can steal you. 
I’ll be your church where you pray so I can heal you. 
I’ll be your lover where you lay so I can feel you. 
I’ll be your sunlight in your day so I can see you
You’ll be my life, when I am dead. I’ll be your calm, in the storm ahead
You’ll be the beat in my heart, when there is none. 
You’ll be the air in my lungs, when my breath is done. 
You’ll be the tears I cant cry, when I’m weeping. 
You’re my only reason to keep from sleeping
You’ll be my life, when I am dead. 
I’ll be you’re calm, in the storm ahead. 
Tell my woman that I try to stay close still by her side.
Haunted Heart- Little Hurricane