Shadow of Love.

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

This week, an event happened that I was dreading- the first of 3 concerts that Tim and I bought tickets to was scheduled for Friday night. What made it even more dreadful was that he bought the tickets for my birthday, and the concert was originally scheduled for May 17th, and they pushed it back to September. Tim and I should have enjoyed this concert together. Carly seriously summed it up when she said our lives together was like a songbook. Tim and I LOVED music- we loved listening to it, sharing it, enjoying it, just being in the moment with a particular song. I think that's what makes it so damn hard to listen to "our" music. Every song brings back a memory, a thought, a smile, a peaceful state of mind. Thankfully, I was joined by two beautiful friends that enjoy music as much as I do- Pat and Gail. I asked Pat to take Tim's ticket because I knew that he was the one person that would thoroughly enjoy the concert, remember Tim with me, and just think back on the good times rather than harp on the sad. I only cried one time, and that's because Jared Leto, in all his Jesus glory, decided to cover Rihanna's "Stay", a song that I have been particularly avoiding since Tim passed away. Of course, in a place that I cannot hit the Skip button, out comes a haunting song that I must listen to in entirety and have a silent river of tears stream down my face. Despite this beautiful song, we had a great time, and in reality, I was transported back to late middle school, early high school days with Blink 182, The Offspring, and Jimmy Eat World. It was nostalgic, and it made me grin and remember those innocent days.

 

 

 

I took Gail to the cemetery when she was here, and afterward I thought to myself, Did she ever imagine that when we met Freshman year of college, this is where we would be standing? In the graveyard with her best friend as she mourned the love of her life at 29 years old? As she placed flowers on his grave and cried in her arms, that this was something we would experience so young? I say this to myself every day, but this is not the way I imagined my life would be here. I know Tim told me time and time again that I needed to prepare myself for this, but I refused. You cannot fight with everything you have, everything in your heart and soul, everything in your mind and body, and also prepare for this. I am not supposed to know how these things work before I'm 30- I shouldn't know how to pick out a casket, prepare a funeral, take over an estate, know the inner-workings of a hospital, and be tragically exhausted. But for him, I would do anything. I wanted to make sure that everything was right by him- that he would like the color of the casket, the clothes he was buried in, the pictures people saw, the essence of him that was embodied in that funeral home.

I get angry every day for 3 reasons- One, I get angry for the life that was taken from him. The things he didn't get to do. The places he didn't get to see. The people he didn't get to meet. Two, I get angry for us- the things that we didn't get to do, the places that we didn't get to see, the people that we didn't get to meet together. Three- I get angry for me- why am I to suffer this? Why was my love taken from me? Why am I not allowed to be happy forever with the one person I want to be happy with? These angers seep together into a collected pool of combined anger, and make me flat-out bitter. And if you're unfortunate enough to push my buttons on a given bitter day (usually a random bystander), then that poor soul is in for a real treat. Something was taken from me that hurts my stomach, my heart, and my mind- something that people are taking for granted on a day to day basis. If you are learning anything from this blog, I hope it's that you will not take for granted your relationships, your love, or yourself. I hope you realize how lucky and blessed you are to have these things in your life. If it wasn't for my family and friends, and Tim's family and friends, who are now my own, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in a really bad place. A really bad place. Dragging everyone down with me. To be surrounded by so much love, light, peace, and comfort has been a blessing. To be honest, I will never be able to thank them enough. Ever. Never Ever.

 

 

 

Tim and I went to the She And Him concert in June, and I chose their song, "Shadow of Love" for this entry. We had a pretty mellow time, and to be honest, I think Tim was really just hoping that Zooey Deschanel would pick him out of the crowd and they would run away together :) In all fairness, I told him that if that were to happen, I would be OK with it, as long as she introduced me to Ben Gibbard and Zooey and I became best friends. He agreed to this. Like I said, it didn't matter what concert we went to, or where we were, we always had an epic time together. Because we were together. That's all that mattered.

 

Shadow of Love- She And Him

 

You and I
We built a shadow of love

 

You and I
We built a shadow of love in our hearts where the future should be

 

There's no tomorrow to set me free

 

You and I
We told a story of love

 

You and I
We told a story of love from our hearts, but it never came true

 

There's no tomorrow for me and you

 

We were so young,
We should have known
Love's as brittle as a broken bone

 

We couldn't see around the bend
We spround the yard, without an end,
Without an end.

 

Time goes by
It's only shades of grey

 

Time goes by,
It's only shades of grey in my heart where the colors should be

 

There's no tomorrow to set us free.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyXkhsICidg



Brand New Colony.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return...”

 Some people back home thought I was crazy for moving here. I wasn’t just moving here, I was quitting my job(s), moving across the country where I have no family or friends, moving in with a guy (gasp!) and that guy just happened to be battling Stage 4 lung cancer. This was never a hard decision for me. The day that Tim was diagnosed, I happened to be in Southern California on business, and he drove up that afternoon and told me the news. I knew in 5 seconds that I would be moving here, whether he liked it or not. I can’t explain why I was never afraid of moving out here and taking care of him. I wasn’t afraid to quit my job, I wasn’t afraid to live in a new city, and I wasn’t afraid to take care of the person that I loved. When I found 2 jobs within the first month of being here (Road Runner, and teaching fitness classes), I knew the world was telling me that I belonged here. That this was the right decision. That it was my fate to be here.

Those first few weeks were a learning curve for both of us. In all honesty, this could have been disastrous. We had never been in the same city for more than 5 days together, and then we moved in together and were with each other every moment of every day. But we learned. And our relationship grew. And we started our own life together, a “Brand New Colony” if you will. I learned how to properly fold his underwear (there was a teaching session). I learned that he hated to cook so I took on all the cooking (and he would probably say “Cooking? That’s a woman’s job. Get to the kitchen.”). I also learned that I wasn’t allowed to load the dishwasher because I did a poor job at it. That’s OK because it was a fair trade off- I cooked, he cleaned up. Perfect match. And also I hate the dishwasher.

I remember one night in those first weeks, we were cuddling in bed together, watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on his laptop (we didn’t have cable at the time) , holding hands and our heads were resting on one another. He whispered, “This is my favorite part of the day with you”.

I’ve been struggling this week with “erasing” physical evidence that he existed in this world. Disconnecting his phone line. Changing our joint bills over to my name. Washing the sheets that we last slept in together. Somehow, this world is still turning and the sun is still rising and setting, and people are moving on with their lives, and I want to scream about it. I don’t want the world to continue on without him. I don’t want to go through each day without him to come home to. It’s unfair and it’s stupid and it sucks. I think about Tim from the second I wake up in the morning, until the second I go to sleep. Even when I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I think of him. I've been bordering on more anger lately, and my usual short fuse of patience has dwindled to nothing. I was telling our friend Calisse the other day that I was censoring myself when talking to people for fear of them throwing me in an asylum for anger management, or disowning me as a person. She said, "Who cares? Tim is probably wanting you to say those things out loud. God knows he would have." :)  It's true- Tim was honest- even when you didn't want him to be honest. He didn't really care if you didn't like what he had to say about it. This about sums it up:

He laughed all day over this photo. You have to admit, it's pretty amazing.

The last concert that Tim and I went to was The Postal Service. If you would have told me that would be our last concert together, I would have never believed you. Tim's passing was so fast. Every day, I still don't think my brain computes that he is gone. Like forever. Like never coming through the door. Like never. My brain will recognize it for one moment, and I can't explain the feeling I get, but I guess it's like the most empty feeling I've ever had. Almost like there is nothing left inside of me or outside in the world. It's just empty and deserted. 

I realized what unconditional love is with Tim. It's the kind of love that accepts everything you are- good, bad, wonderful, annoying, grumpy, beautiful- and it never questions itself. It's the kind of love where two people have so much faith, honesty, acceptance, reliability, and friendship between them that it can't be broken. It's the kind of love that offers safety, reassurance, and hope. Hope was a big one for us. I told Tim that I would never give up hope, that I would never give up on him, that I would never think that there was a different alternative than him staying alive. Until he took his last breath in our arms, I never gave that up. Not just for him, but for me as well, and all the people that loved him. I made him a promise that until his dying breath, I would fight heart and soul for him to stay. 

I love this Postal Service song below. I used to write out song lyrics on the envelopes of cards that I gave Tim, and this was the first one. It was the last song that The Postal Service played during their concert, and my heart was so happy in the moment. Singing at the top of my lungs, arms around each other, totally in the moment.We had our own little colony here- just the two of us, playing in the sunshine (with Sophie of course), and loving life.

Brand New Colony- The Postal Service

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit, like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...you won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us5NkiF2ndY

West Coast.

It's been 4 weeks since Tim passed. It seems like such a long and such a short time. I've decided to post this blog every Wednesday, in his memory, since he passed away on Wednesday morning, August 14th.
Tim and I met in April 2011, while both working in the motorcycle industry. We knew each other through phone calls and emails prior to meeting in person, and honestly didn't like each other. He thought I was some middle-aged shrew, and I thought he was an arrogant, annoying salesman. And then we met, and that changed in a blink of an eye. It was like a freight train of emotion when we shook hands- I thought that if this were a Disney movie, my eyes would be like little hearts popping out of my head, and I would be spinning in circles in love. I sort of acted like a little school girl. Wearing his jacket when I was cold. Finding every excuse in the book to go talk to him. Staying out late on a "work night" so I could talk to him for every second I could. I remember after that first weekend of meeting Tim, I saw my friend Rachel a few days later. She asked bluntly, "What's wrong with you? Why do you have such a big goofy grin on your face?" I think at that point, I did do a little spin of love, and shouted, "Because I met someone pretty awesome!"
Our first "real date" was a whole weekend of fun the next month, when I flew out to the West Coast to see him. When I got off the plane, I had a moment of panic, like "What the hell am I doing?! I just flew across the US to hang out with someone I have only known for a month!"  As I came down the escalator, and he was waiting there with a nervous smile on his face, and his baby blue Johnny Cupcakes shirt, I knew there was no reason for a freakout. There was no reason to not feel safe. There was no reason to be anything but excited, happy, anxious, and elated to be there. We did some really fun things that weekend, but Disneyland topped the cake. If you know me, you know that I LOVE Disney. Basically a homerun for Tim. It was pretty much the most awesome first date weekend ever.

 

 Most people have been asking me, "So what are you doing now? Are you going to move back to Ohio?" Though I love Ohio, and my wonderful family and amazing friends live there, it would be devastating to me to move back to Ohio (Sorry, Mom! I love you).  To me, it would feel like I had this really amazing dream, and then this horrible nightmare, and then I woke up in my bed back in Ohio. It wouldn't feel like I was ever here. It wouldn't feel like Tim was real. I have to stay here to be close to him, to be close to us, to be close to our happy and lovely memories. I have to stay here to continue his fight, to continue doing things that he loved to do, to continue honoring his life and memory. Besides, it's not a bad place to be. San Diego is basically the producer of the world's sunshine. Plus, Sophie would be pissed if she didn't have a real ocean to play in.
Tim and I would play this song below all the time, and write some of the lyrics back and forth to each other. A year and a half of our dating was long distance, and it revolved around airports. Currently, I get very emotional when I have to pick up someone from the airport or drop them off. My friend Nancy arrived last weekend, and I held back tears the whole time driving up to the terminal. It's just a pain through the heart since Tim and I saw each other so often through airports-the airport is both the happiest, and the saddest place that exists. We would never pick each other up or drop each other off at the curb. Our hellos and goodbyes were always at the security gate. That moment seeing him for the first time in the airport when I came down the escalator is something that I will never forget. I will never forget how my heart skipped. How my face smiled. How my eyes lit up. We actually buried him in that baby blue shirt, and seeing him in it one last time was such a surreal and bittersweet moment. That one shirt had such a special meaning to me, and I'm glad he's wearing it wherever he is right now.
When I came out to visit Tim a year ago after he was diagnosed, he was standing in line with me before the security checkpoint, and he said to me, "I don't want you to leave. I need you to be here with me. I can't do this without you. I need you." I replied, "My bags are already packed", and I moved here a month later.

Coconut Records- West Coast

For a second there I thought you disappeared
It rains a lot this time of year
And we both go together if one falls down
I talk out loud like you're still around
And I miss you
I'm going back home to the west coast
I wish you would put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standing all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I'm going back home to the west coast

 And if you shake her heart enough she will appear
Tonight I think I'll be staying here
And you never did like this town
I talk out loud like you're still around

And I miss you
I'm going back home to the west coast
I wish you would put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standing all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I'm going back home to the west coast

So pack up the bags to beat back the clock
Do I let her sleep or should I wake her up
You said
We both go together if one falls down
 I talk out loud like you're still around

And I miss you
I m going back home to the west coast
I wish you would put yourself in my suitcase
I love you
Standing all alone in a black coat
I miss you
I'm going back home to the west coast

 

 

 



Companions.

This week has been a hard week. And every day gets harder, not easier.
I went back to work last week, and have been trying to get back into a "routine", however, this makes my life much harder as Tim was a huge part of my routine and my life. We were partners. Friends. Companions. We did everything together. I used to even tell him to hang out with his friends on his own, and this is how our conversation would go:
Me: You know, you can have dinner with (X) tonight, just the two of you if you want.
Tim: Why? You don't want to hang out with my friends?
Me: No, that's not what I said. I just mean that I won't be offended if you want to just have a man dinner, just the two of you.
Tim: I don't understand. Why don't you want to come?
Me: I'm not saying I don't want to come, I'm just saying I wouldn't be mad at you if you wanted some bro time.
Tim: I don't understand.
Me: Nevermind. Let's go.  

See? Always together. :)
I start to see and feel that he is, in fact, not here. His soap in the shower. His contacts on the bathroom counter. His half-empty ginger ale in the fridge. I leave these things as if he's coming back, because I can't bear to do anything with them. I fear that I will be holding on to his toothbrush for like 50 years.
My life feels completely lonely without him. I am surrounded by people on a daily basis, and I'm still lonely. The kind of lonely that sucks the breath out of your body. The kind of lonely that squeezes your heart until it hurts when you think of him in vivid memories. The kind of lonely that makes you start crying on the phone to cable man. The kind of lonely where you turn to tell him something funny, and he's not there, and then you cry. My companion is gone.
At least I have this companion. Meet Tim's other love:

 

 

This is Sophie. For those of you who know her, she's amazing. For those of you that don't, that sucks for you, because she's amazing. Tim's favorite thing to do with Sophie was go to the beach- Sophie LOVES the water. I mean LOVES.

 

Tim and I never even went to the "people" beach here. We only went to the dog beach. Every dog beach around here, we went to. Our favorites were Fiesta Island, Coronado, and Del Mar. The three of us were so happy at the beach- you can't help but smile at that little pup face. Tim's friend Pat came down this past weekend and we took Sophie to the beach- the first time since Tim passed. She loved it, of course, but let's face it, Pat and I are no match for Tim's fierce throwing arm. I have no idea how he did it, but he always threw it sooooo far. I need a slingshot to even compete with it.

When I came out to visit Tim for the first time, one of the things we did was take Sophie to the beach. This was not an easy feat, since we were staying in Anaheim, and he lived in Rialto. So we drove from Anaheim to Rialto, picked up Sophie, drove her back to LA to hit one of the beaches, then drove her back to Rialto, then drove back to Anaheim. I felt a little honored that he wanted to go through all that trouble to let me in on their time together at the beach.

One of the times that Tim was in chemo, he wrote the lyrics to this song on my Facebook wall. It became our song, and also a saying when times were a little tough. I would say to him, "It's always better when we're together". And it was. When I was with Tim, everything was good. It was grand. It was wonderful. It was funny. It was everything to me. I miss my "better together" partner. This world was better because of each other.

Jack Johnson- Better Together

 

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.