Brand New Colony.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return...”

 Some people back home thought I was crazy for moving here. I wasn’t just moving here, I was quitting my job(s), moving across the country where I have no family or friends, moving in with a guy (gasp!) and that guy just happened to be battling Stage 4 lung cancer. This was never a hard decision for me. The day that Tim was diagnosed, I happened to be in Southern California on business, and he drove up that afternoon and told me the news. I knew in 5 seconds that I would be moving here, whether he liked it or not. I can’t explain why I was never afraid of moving out here and taking care of him. I wasn’t afraid to quit my job, I wasn’t afraid to live in a new city, and I wasn’t afraid to take care of the person that I loved. When I found 2 jobs within the first month of being here (Road Runner, and teaching fitness classes), I knew the world was telling me that I belonged here. That this was the right decision. That it was my fate to be here.

Those first few weeks were a learning curve for both of us. In all honesty, this could have been disastrous. We had never been in the same city for more than 5 days together, and then we moved in together and were with each other every moment of every day. But we learned. And our relationship grew. And we started our own life together, a “Brand New Colony” if you will. I learned how to properly fold his underwear (there was a teaching session). I learned that he hated to cook so I took on all the cooking (and he would probably say “Cooking? That’s a woman’s job. Get to the kitchen.”). I also learned that I wasn’t allowed to load the dishwasher because I did a poor job at it. That’s OK because it was a fair trade off- I cooked, he cleaned up. Perfect match. And also I hate the dishwasher.

I remember one night in those first weeks, we were cuddling in bed together, watching The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on his laptop (we didn’t have cable at the time) , holding hands and our heads were resting on one another. He whispered, “This is my favorite part of the day with you”.

I’ve been struggling this week with “erasing” physical evidence that he existed in this world. Disconnecting his phone line. Changing our joint bills over to my name. Washing the sheets that we last slept in together. Somehow, this world is still turning and the sun is still rising and setting, and people are moving on with their lives, and I want to scream about it. I don’t want the world to continue on without him. I don’t want to go through each day without him to come home to. It’s unfair and it’s stupid and it sucks. I think about Tim from the second I wake up in the morning, until the second I go to sleep. Even when I wake up to pee in the middle of night, I think of him. I've been bordering on more anger lately, and my usual short fuse of patience has dwindled to nothing. I was telling our friend Calisse the other day that I was censoring myself when talking to people for fear of them throwing me in an asylum for anger management, or disowning me as a person. She said, "Who cares? Tim is probably wanting you to say those things out loud. God knows he would have." :)  It's true- Tim was honest- even when you didn't want him to be honest. He didn't really care if you didn't like what he had to say about it. This about sums it up:

He laughed all day over this photo. You have to admit, it's pretty amazing.

The last concert that Tim and I went to was The Postal Service. If you would have told me that would be our last concert together, I would have never believed you. Tim's passing was so fast. Every day, I still don't think my brain computes that he is gone. Like forever. Like never coming through the door. Like never. My brain will recognize it for one moment, and I can't explain the feeling I get, but I guess it's like the most empty feeling I've ever had. Almost like there is nothing left inside of me or outside in the world. It's just empty and deserted. 

I realized what unconditional love is with Tim. It's the kind of love that accepts everything you are- good, bad, wonderful, annoying, grumpy, beautiful- and it never questions itself. It's the kind of love where two people have so much faith, honesty, acceptance, reliability, and friendship between them that it can't be broken. It's the kind of love that offers safety, reassurance, and hope. Hope was a big one for us. I told Tim that I would never give up hope, that I would never give up on him, that I would never think that there was a different alternative than him staying alive. Until he took his last breath in our arms, I never gave that up. Not just for him, but for me as well, and all the people that loved him. I made him a promise that until his dying breath, I would fight heart and soul for him to stay. 

I love this Postal Service song below. I used to write out song lyrics on the envelopes of cards that I gave Tim, and this was the first one. It was the last song that The Postal Service played during their concert, and my heart was so happy in the moment. Singing at the top of my lungs, arms around each other, totally in the moment.We had our own little colony here- just the two of us, playing in the sunshine (with Sophie of course), and loving life.

Brand New Colony- The Postal Service

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit, like a perfect gentlemen
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and contemplate your day
I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgment's on the brink
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...you won't have to strain to look into my eyes
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony
Everything will change.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Us5NkiF2ndY