Til Kingdom Come.

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you..."

I'm already preparing myself that the holidays are going to be hard. The holidays are going to be the worst. I'm very grateful and blessed that I will be surrounded by loving family and friends, but there will be a huge empty whole in my heart every time I laugh or smile. The thing is, I will be laughing and smiling in between the tears and sad moments, because despite losing Tim and my life with him, I have a lot to be grateful for.
     1. My family. My wonderful family that has been there for me since birth. I'm so lucky to have such a loving, supportive family- I realize that not everyone has this, and I will not take this for granted. It's been very hard to go through losing Tim without them literally by my side, but their love and support can be felt across the country, and I am so comforted by them.
     2. My friends. My friends are amazing. They are literally life-savers. They have flown across the country to be with me, called and emailed me to send love and thoughts, sent me beautiful gifts and reminders of Tim, fed me dinners, answered my late-night crying phone calls, and have picked me up off of the ground. I have no idea how I have such amazing friends, but I do.
     3. Tim's friends and family. They have welcomed me from Day 1 with open arms and open hearts. Tim's passing would have been much more difficult without them allowing me to be part of the preparations and arrangements, without them being by my side, and without them helping me in every way. They are now my friends and family, and I'm so thankful that Tim had such wonderful people in his life.
     4. Sophie. She's amazing. Tim loved her so much- she was his loyal companion, his friend when no one else was there, and his protector. I am comforted by her presence. I now have an extremely loyal companion that loves me unconditionally. Even as I type this, she is sleeping with one eye closed, and one eye open watching me. My ultimate protector.
     5. My work family (both then and now). I've been so lucky to have both support and love sent from Iron Pony and Road Runner. I can't imagine ever working in a place that isn't understanding, that isn't supportive, and that isn't greatly appreciative of the time and effort I put into my work. Iron Pony and Road Runner are all of those things and more. It's such a great feeling to want to go to work every day.
     6. My gym family (then and now). I've also been blessed with an amazing team and family at both Lifetime and Total Woman. Both of these wonderfully different "posses" have grown with me, helped make my extremely bad days turn into good days, pushed me to different limits, and have offered their unconditional and loyal friendship.
     7. My health. I'm healthy. I'm alive. And I'm thankful. I can give to others that need help, I can offer my support, love, blood, whatever helps keep them alive. I can do this because I'm a healthy individual, and not everyone is so lucky.
     8. Tim. I'm thankful for Tim. For him coming into my life. For him making me feel alive. For him pushing me to be a better person. For him making me laugh uncontrollably, smile unbelievably, and love unconditionally.

Last year for Thanksgiving, I was super new to California. We were invited over to Denette's house for the day, and I was excited and a little scared to meet her. Tim and Denette have an amazing relationship- one filled with trust, loyalty, respect, and love. I was nervous to meet such an amazing person in Tim's life, and as soon as she opened the door, I knew she was extraordinary. She was warm and welcoming, and I felt at ease in her presence, as I still do to this day. Denette has a very calming effect to her- you're instantly just yourself in her presence. I helped in the kitchen, Tim lounged on the couch, and the kids ran around like crazy kids do. It was an awesome Thanksgiving. I remember running around like a crazy person the day before because I really wanted to make these special cupcakes. Of course, I didn't have any kitchen items, so I spent a good $60 or so on cupcakes, but it was worth it. Until I topped them with walnut pieces, and Grace, Denette's daughter, is allergic to nuts. I think I almost fell over when she told me, and kicked Tim in the shin quietly for not giving me the heads up. She handled it with grace, of course.

 

 

 

Every day is a gift. We should be thankful for each day that we get to spend with our loved ones and with our friends. We should be thankful for each day we spent with people we have lost and people we have loved. We should be thankful for our health, for our bodies, and for our spirits.

Happy Thanksgiving my loved ones.

  



Tim, I'd wait for you til kingdom come. Just say you'll wait for me.

Til Kingdom Come, Coldplay


Steal my heart and hold my tongue.
I feel my time, my time has come.
Let me in, unlock the door.
I've never felt this way before.

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummer begins to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know which way I've come.

Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

The wheels just keep on turning,
The drummers begin to drum,
I don't know which way I'm going,
I don't know what I've become.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come,
Until my days, my days are done.
Say you'll come and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZFCeiVEEcc

Miss You.

"Alone we can do so little; Together we can do so much..."

Last week marked the date that Tim has been gone from this Earth for 3 months. That really doesn't seem possible. We celebrated and honored his life with the Lung Cancer Alliance at their 1st annual San Diego candlelight vigil. I'm not going to lie, it was a pretty small turnout. Our Timstrong group made up at least half of the vigil, if not more. However, it was still such a nice place to start our journey together to make a difference in this world. To start raising awareness about lung cancer and to start getting people's attention. I learned that Lung Cancer advocates have such a hard time spreading awareness for many reasons- Most people believe that lung cancer is from smoking, and therefore, these people "deserve" the cancer, so there isn't much push to fund research, and people are embarrassed to speak about it. The mortality rate is so high for lung cancer, that advocacy goes in waves- after people are diagnosed with lung cancer, everyone is fighting for them and attending vigils, walks, run, etc. After they pass away, those people start to dwindle off- they don't keep the momentum going. I'm here to state that we will not be those people. We will be keeping the momentum going for Tim, and for all those other people who have witnessed what lung cancer, or any cancer for that matter, does to their loved ones. The suffering. The heartache. The pain. The loss. The horror. If I can change just one person's life and have them not live through what we lived through, then my job here is successful. I want to thank each and every one of you for either attending the vigil, lighting a candle, dedicating your day, or even just reading this blog. You're helping make a difference in this world, and I'm truly thankful for each and every one of you.

 

 

A week after Tim's funeral, I attended church with my mom and Denette and Steve. I really wanted to listen to one of Pastor Dale's sermons/messages because he was so amazing and heartfelt at Tim's funeral, and I wanted to hear what he thought about life. He talked mostly about changing as you grow up. Changing into a better person. A better friend. A better companion. A better loved one. Treating people as you would want to be treated- The Golden Rule. He was saying that if you go to your high school reunion, and people are like, "Man, you haven't changed one bit!", that's not necessarily a good thing. People want to change, or should change, from who they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. That's how I feel 3 months after Tim's death. While I believe that I have changed from 5, 10 years ago, Tim's death has changed me in more ways than I'll ever know. I believe that I'm changing for the better- a little bit more patient, a little bit more kind, a little bit more understanding. Sure, I've been tested many times these past few months, but I'm hoping that with each of these tests of character, that I'm succeeding in becoming the person I strive to be after Tim. Again, someone that he is proud of and came beam down a smile at me. Or a laugh. Or a "Go ahead, punch that person".

 

My wonderful friend Andi sent me 2 pictures this week of Tim and I that I had never seen. It was such a great surprise/gift- to see us smiling together, no cares in the world. They were pictures from her brother's wedding, and Tim and I had such an epic time. Yes, this is the wedding where we scolded for dancing too sexily. Me, dance sexily? No way. :) But those of you that know Tim, are like, "Tim? Dancing?!" Well, Drunk Tim, as we all know, was a different kind of beast. And I'm pretty sure he was trying to impress me with all of the sweet moves that he had :) Today, I'm not sure I could get him on the dance floor- and definitely not without 3-5 Crown and Cokes (all Crown, splash of Coke). We seriously had a good time- we were in great company, we were dancing the night away, possibly drinking the night away, and laughed the whole night. I can't remember when I had so much fun with a date at a wedding. No fighting, no arguing, so snide comments. Just laughter and smiles, and some dirty dancing.

 

 

"Miss You" by Foster The People was one of the songs we used to send back and forth to each other when we wanted to say "I miss you." We argued over who discovered them first- He actually saw them in concert a week before I did, but I had bought my tickets for the concert way before he bought his, so it was a toss up. Either way, Foster The People is an amazing show with some killer shoulder shrugs. Good thing we got to see them together in good, ole' Cbus. Per usual, we had an epic time. I miss him so much. Every minute of every day. I'm constantly thrown back into memories of us that make me smile, or laugh, or cry. I just honestly still don't believe that he's gone. And that it's been 3 months. I miss every little single thing about him.

 

"Miss You"- Foster The People

 

Forget your problems

Lay it down and start up

In a sense of what you are is what I want

 

I've ran my colors

dripped down and drained out

Tried a million things, but my heart's been shot

 

I hope you try to find me

I almost found a place and

I know what you wanna say so say it

 

Forget the words speaking

Just wanna rearrange

So I'll just say it

 

Yeah, I really miss you, miss you, I said

Smile at the chance just to see you again

I really miss you, miss you, I said

Yeah Yeah Yeah

 

Heat stroke, dislike

Wrong things that I think are right

I never knew that I could go as far as this

 

Optical problem, easily forgotten

I knew I had them before I slipped

 

Oh I wanna change it, I will live a life

That makes you smile when I'm gone in a long, long

Fever is speaking, just wanna see your face

Oh, what you say, what you say

 

Yeah, I really miss you, miss you, I said

Smile at the chance just to see you again

I really miss you, miss you, I said

Just look at me now before I walk away,

You just might miss me, miss me one day

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Kk-9YH7rDY

 



 

Walking After You.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear..."

Tim was one of the bravest people I know. I'm sure he was one of the bravest people you know. I think with it being both the Marine Corp birthday and Veterans Day this week, I have had an overwhelming sense of pride when I think of Tim. I am so proud to have known him. He was the bravest fighter. I wish I had known him back when he was in the Marine Corp because I love hearing stories about that time in his life. I found a DVD stashed in our collection that Ben had made of some of their time in Japan, titled "DD214", and I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet, though I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I'm ready to see his face on a screen quite yet. Maybe I'll have to have a viewing party of sorts.

 

This week has not been a good week. I feel so totally defeated. I feel sad, hopeless, lonely, mad, moody- I'm just not in a good place this week. I don't have a ton of positivity right now, and I'm just accepting it. Every day is a new day, though. Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake up with a little more hope, and a little less defeat. Maybe not. I'm just accepting the days as they come, and accepting the tears when they come, and accepting the anger when it comes.
I also had to get rid of Tim's car this week. It sucks because I'm so sad when I look at the parking spot and his car isn't there. He loved that car. He was debating on getting it last year, and of course I was egging him on. When he picked me up from the airport last July, I knew he made the right choice. I mean, come on, he was pretty damn handsome pulling up in that car, with the cutest dog in the back of it. I opened the door and just said, "YES." I loved that car too. All the little road trips we took. Listening to his iPod on shuffle. Singing out loud. Holding hands. Looking at the ocean. Sophie misses it too.

Overall this week, I just want Tim to be proud of me.  I want him to be proud of me taking what we learned from his experience, and using it to help and educate others. I've been giving my group fitness classes this month little tidbits of knowledge about lung cancer, and inviting them to the candlelight vigil tomorrow. I'm not sure if they care, or if it's absorbing, but it makes me feel better to help spread the word to end the stigma of Lung Cancer. To help out if you can. To donate your money, time, or energy to spread the word. I think if people just learn a little bit, and open their eyes a little bit, then my job is working. I hope Tim is proud of that. After I moved out here and landed my job at Road Runner and a job teaching fitness classes in the same week, I remember him being so proud of me. He just made me feel like I could tackle the world. Like I was the most amazing person he had ever met. He wrote the sweetest note on Facebook because he was so proud of me, and it makes me cry every time I think about it. Tim wasn't one to shout out from the rooftops, but he did for me. He also wasn't one to buy flowers, but one morning after I escaped to yoga, I came home to find only Karlene at the house. Neither of us knew where Tim had disappeared off to, and he was feeling so sick that morning. He opened the door 15 minutes later with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands for me. Just because he said I was an amazing woman.

Tim knew what the probable outcome was of his diagnosis, and still, he didn't let it defeat him. His heart, head, and mind triumphed over the fear. Yes, he had bad days, and when he did, I was there to remind him to fight- to fight for his life, to fight for us, to fight for his future. He did so with that amazing smile, wonderful laugh, and genuine hope. He used to smile and chuckle when people would ask him how he's doing. His usual reply was, "I'm healthy... except that I have cancer." He used to tell Dr. Reismann that he felt bad for being on disability because for the most part, he felt pretty good. We would hike or walk every week, he was riding a mountain bike for a period of time, he would take Sophie to the beach or park and play with her- he was doing very active things for someone who had Stage 4 cancer. I remember when I first arrived here, he was so weak. He was at 160 lbs and losing more every day, and in a lot of pain. I was easing him into gentle stretching, and trying to get him to walk or exercise a little bit each day. One day, we made it down to the mailbox and back, and that was a huge accomplishment! That's how bad he was. I got him back up and moving in no time, fattened him up quite a bit, and pushed him back into that brave man I knew. Right before I took Tim into the hospital for the last time, I tried to make him walk to the mailbox with me and back. He could barely make it. I had such a heavy heart seeing this full circle again, but I pushed him to make it back around the building. In my eyes, everything was going to be OK. We had each other. Tim was a fighter. We were going to make it. That's why this week, I chose "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters. It might be a toss-up between Deftones and Foo Fighters as Tim's favorite band (I still say Deftones), and this song is beautiful. I was always walking with Tim. Beside him. Behind him. Following him. Leading him. Things will not do without him, matter of fact.

Walking After You
Foo Fighters

Tonight, I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you

If you accept surrender, give up some more
weren't you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNwkN9vrUYY

Big Jet Plane.

The leaves believe

Such letting go is love

Such love is faith

Such faith is grace

Such grace is god

 

 

It's been one year ago today that I packed up all my belongings, said my tearful goodbyes to my family and friends, and headed off to the West Coast. I never imagined seeing this day without Tim- I pictured us doing our favorite "San Diego" things, cramming it all into one fun-filled weekend of celebration. The Zoo. Old Town. Sailing. The Dog Beach. Tacos and margaritas. Snooze. (Ok, Snooze is just for me since Tim was just impartial to the restaurant, but seriously, it's amazing). It's very hard for me to imagine that I've only been here a year- I feel like it's been a much longer time than that. I guess I've been dealing with more than the average person this year, so maybe that has something to do with it. It just sucks that Tim isn't here to tease me about this day- "See? I told you California was way better than Ohio". If he were here, I probably would have woken up with a huge smile on my face and said, "Bear!!! Today is the day that I moved here! And we started this amazing adventure together! And I love you so much!" And he would have said, "Ugh, Bear, it's too early, go back to bed" :)

 

The day that I moved here, we were both excited. When my plane arrived in Vegas, I had a text message from Tim- "Your plane to San Diego was canceled. Call me." My heart fell. I was seriously never going to get to San Diego. Luckily, Tim's amazing mom works for US Air, so she was able to help me on a flight to Ontario, the airport she works in, and then she offered to drive me to San Diego from there when she got off of work. I think by time we arrived, it was after midnight. Tim was waiting for us to pull in, and I swung open the car door and ran to him. We hugged for what seemed like hours, and he whispered in my ear, "I love you." I was home.

I realized this weekend that I have been avoiding my bed, except to sleep in it. I have somehow managed to stack all the pillows that we own, random clothes, a purse, and a blanket, all on Tim's side of the bed, creating some sort of barrier. I woke up on Saturday (I may or may not have been hungover from the night before), and instead of staying in bed and watching TV, I went straight for the couch and back to sleep. This might be normal for people with normal couches. But our couch is the WORST. I hate it. I would never in a million years leave my comfortable bed for this stupid couch. But I did. And I realized that I have been avoiding the bedroom like the plague. I don't like being in there without Tim. That was our room, our bed, our personal things, our place to relax and shut the world out. Our place to snuggle for BearTime. Our place to sleep in. Our place to have breakfast in bed. I hate being in there alone. And apparently my subconscious does too. But that couch is the worst to me, so I sucked it up and snuggled with Sophie in bed for the rest of the day. And there was some Rubios eating in there somewhere too.

Like I mentioned earlier, I might have been hungover on Saturday from an awesome Girls Night Out on Friday with some beautiful ladies, Melody and Liz. It was pretty dead in San Diego since Friday followed Halloween, however, that did not stop me from throwing on a dress and heels, cabbing it down to the Hard Rock, and just letting loose. Not caring about anything. Dancing to Dance Jam songs and being ridiculous. Stealing champagne from guys that have spent way too much money on table service. Turning down weird dudes in Fedoras. It was fun- Saturday was not fun- but Friday was a blast. Special thanks to Mel and Liz for being amazing and having an awesome time with me! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was a nice escape for me, and I'm totally thankful for it.

 

I'm so happy I got on that plane one year ago today. I'm so happy I got to spend the time that I did with Tim. I'm so happy I felt our love, even if it wasn't for a lifetime together. I'm so happy that I have an amazing job, and great new friends, and exciting new opportunities in my life. I don't regret anything that I did with Tim, for Tim, or for myself. I would do it all over in a heartbeat, even if this was the outcome. I hope one day to be that happy again. To love that way again. To be loved that way again.

 

Big Jet Plane- Angus and Julia Stone

 

She said "hello mister, pleased to meet ya"
I wanna hold her, I wanna kiss her
She smelled of daisies, she smelled of daisies
She drive me crazy, she drive me crazy

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

 Be my lover, my lady river
Can I take ya, take ya higher

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane

Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home
Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home

Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
 

 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFTvbcNhEgc