The leaves believe
Such letting go is love
Such love is faith
Such faith is grace
Such grace is god
It's been one year ago today that I packed up all my belongings, said my tearful goodbyes to my family and friends, and headed off to the West Coast. I never imagined seeing this day without Tim- I pictured us doing our favorite "San Diego" things, cramming it all into one fun-filled weekend of celebration. The Zoo. Old Town. Sailing. The Dog Beach. Tacos and margaritas. Snooze. (Ok, Snooze is just for me since Tim was just impartial to the restaurant, but seriously, it's amazing). It's very hard for me to imagine that I've only been here a year- I feel like it's been a much longer time than that. I guess I've been dealing with more than the average person this year, so maybe that has something to do with it. It just sucks that Tim isn't here to tease me about this day- "See? I told you California was way better than Ohio". If he were here, I probably would have woken up with a huge smile on my face and said, "Bear!!! Today is the day that I moved here! And we started this amazing adventure together! And I love you so much!" And he would have said, "Ugh, Bear, it's too early, go back to bed" :)
The day that I moved here, we were both excited. When my plane arrived in Vegas, I had a text message from Tim- "Your plane to San Diego was canceled. Call me." My heart fell. I was seriously never going to get to San Diego. Luckily, Tim's amazing mom works for US Air, so she was able to help me on a flight to Ontario, the airport she works in, and then she offered to drive me to San Diego from there when she got off of work. I think by time we arrived, it was after midnight. Tim was waiting for us to pull in, and I swung open the car door and ran to him. We hugged for what seemed like hours, and he whispered in my ear, "I love you." I was home.
I realized this weekend that I have been avoiding my bed, except to sleep in it. I have somehow managed to stack all the pillows that we own, random clothes, a purse, and a blanket, all on Tim's side of the bed, creating some sort of barrier. I woke up on Saturday (I may or may not have been hungover from the night before), and instead of staying in bed and watching TV, I went straight for the couch and back to sleep. This might be normal for people with normal couches. But our couch is the WORST. I hate it. I would never in a million years leave my comfortable bed for this stupid couch. But I did. And I realized that I have been avoiding the bedroom like the plague. I don't like being in there without Tim. That was our room, our bed, our personal things, our place to relax and shut the world out. Our place to snuggle for BearTime. Our place to sleep in. Our place to have breakfast in bed. I hate being in there alone. And apparently my subconscious does too. But that couch is the worst to me, so I sucked it up and snuggled with Sophie in bed for the rest of the day. And there was some Rubios eating in there somewhere too.
Like I mentioned earlier, I might have been hungover on Saturday from an awesome Girls Night Out on Friday with some beautiful ladies, Melody and Liz. It was pretty dead in San Diego since Friday followed Halloween, however, that did not stop me from throwing on a dress and heels, cabbing it down to the Hard Rock, and just letting loose. Not caring about anything. Dancing to Dance Jam songs and being ridiculous. Stealing champagne from guys that have spent way too much money on table service. Turning down weird dudes in Fedoras. It was fun- Saturday was not fun- but Friday was a blast. Special thanks to Mel and Liz for being amazing and having an awesome time with me! I know it doesn't seem like much, but it was a nice escape for me, and I'm totally thankful for it.
I'm so happy I got on that plane one year ago today. I'm so happy I got to spend the time that I did with Tim. I'm so happy I felt our love, even if it wasn't for a lifetime together. I'm so happy that I have an amazing job, and great new friends, and exciting new opportunities in my life. I don't regret anything that I did with Tim, for Tim, or for myself. I would do it all over in a heartbeat, even if this was the outcome. I hope one day to be that happy again. To love that way again. To be loved that way again.
Big Jet Plane- Angus and Julia Stone
She said "hello mister, pleased to meet ya"
I wanna hold her, I wanna kiss her
She smelled of daisies, she smelled of daisies
She drive me crazy, she drive me crazy
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
Be my lover, my lady river
Can I take ya, take ya higher
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home
Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
I wanna hold her, I wanna kiss her
She smelled of daisies, she smelled of daisies
She drive me crazy, she drive me crazy
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
Be my lover, my lady river
Can I take ya, take ya higher
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home
Gonna hold ya, gonna kiss ya in my arms
Gonna take ya away from home
Gonna take her for a ride on a big jet plane
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