Last week marked the date that Tim has been gone from this Earth for 3 months. That really doesn't seem possible. We celebrated and honored his life with the Lung Cancer Alliance at their 1st annual San Diego candlelight vigil. I'm not going to lie, it was a pretty small turnout. Our Timstrong group made up at least half of the vigil, if not more. However, it was still such a nice place to start our journey together to make a difference in this world. To start raising awareness about lung cancer and to start getting people's attention. I learned that Lung Cancer advocates have such a hard time spreading awareness for many reasons- Most people believe that lung cancer is from smoking, and therefore, these people "deserve" the cancer, so there isn't much push to fund research, and people are embarrassed to speak about it. The mortality rate is so high for lung cancer, that advocacy goes in waves- after people are diagnosed with lung cancer, everyone is fighting for them and attending vigils, walks, run, etc. After they pass away, those people start to dwindle off- they don't keep the momentum going. I'm here to state that we will not be those people. We will be keeping the momentum going for Tim, and for all those other people who have witnessed what lung cancer, or any cancer for that matter, does to their loved ones. The suffering. The heartache. The pain. The loss. The horror. If I can change just one person's life and have them not live through what we lived through, then my job here is successful. I want to thank each and every one of you for either attending the vigil, lighting a candle, dedicating your day, or even just reading this blog. You're helping make a difference in this world, and I'm truly thankful for each and every one of you.
A week after Tim's funeral, I attended church with my mom and Denette and Steve. I really wanted to listen to one of Pastor Dale's sermons/messages because he was so amazing and heartfelt at Tim's funeral, and I wanted to hear what he thought about life. He talked mostly about changing as you grow up. Changing into a better person. A better friend. A better companion. A better loved one. Treating people as you would want to be treated- The Golden Rule. He was saying that if you go to your high school reunion, and people are like, "Man, you haven't changed one bit!", that's not necessarily a good thing. People want to change, or should change, from who they were 5, 10, 15 years ago. That's how I feel 3 months after Tim's death. While I believe that I have changed from 5, 10 years ago, Tim's death has changed me in more ways than I'll ever know. I believe that I'm changing for the better- a little bit more patient, a little bit more kind, a little bit more understanding. Sure, I've been tested many times these past few months, but I'm hoping that with each of these tests of character, that I'm succeeding in becoming the person I strive to be after Tim. Again, someone that he is proud of and came beam down a smile at me. Or a laugh. Or a "Go ahead, punch that person".
My wonderful friend Andi sent me 2 pictures this week of Tim and I that I had never seen. It was such a great surprise/gift- to see us smiling together, no cares in the world. They were pictures from her brother's wedding, and Tim and I had such an epic time. Yes, this is the wedding where we scolded for dancing too sexily. Me, dance sexily? No way. :) But those of you that know Tim, are like, "Tim? Dancing?!" Well, Drunk Tim, as we all know, was a different kind of beast. And I'm pretty sure he was trying to impress me with all of the sweet moves that he had :) Today, I'm not sure I could get him on the dance floor- and definitely not without 3-5 Crown and Cokes (all Crown, splash of Coke). We seriously had a good time- we were in great company, we were dancing the night away, possibly drinking the night away, and laughed the whole night. I can't remember when I had so much fun with a date at a wedding. No fighting, no arguing, so snide comments. Just laughter and smiles, and some dirty dancing.
"Miss You" by Foster The People was one of the songs we used to send back and forth to each other when we wanted to say "I miss you." We argued over who discovered them first- He actually saw them in concert a week before I did, but I had bought my tickets for the concert way before he bought his, so it was a toss up. Either way, Foster The People is an amazing show with some killer shoulder shrugs. Good thing we got to see them together in good, ole' Cbus. Per usual, we had an epic time. I miss him so much. Every minute of every day. I'm constantly thrown back into memories of us that make me smile, or laugh, or cry. I just honestly still don't believe that he's gone. And that it's been 3 months. I miss every little single thing about him.
"Miss You"- Foster The People
Forget your problems
Lay it down and start up
In a sense of what you are is what I want
I've ran my colors
dripped down and drained out
Tried a million things, but my heart's been shot
I hope you try to find me
I almost found a place and
I know what you wanna say so say it
Forget the words speaking
Just wanna rearrange
So I'll just say it
Yeah, I really miss you, miss you, I said
Smile at the chance just to see you again
I really miss you, miss you, I said
Yeah Yeah Yeah
Heat stroke, dislike
Wrong things that I think are right
I never knew that I could go as far as this
Optical problem, easily forgotten
I knew I had them before I slipped
Oh I wanna change it, I will live a life
That makes you smile when I'm gone in a long, long
Fever is speaking, just wanna see your face
Oh, what you say, what you say
Yeah, I really miss you, miss you, I said
Smile at the chance just to see you again
I really miss you, miss you, I said
Just look at me now before I walk away,
You just might miss me, miss me one day
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