Walking After You.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear..."

Tim was one of the bravest people I know. I'm sure he was one of the bravest people you know. I think with it being both the Marine Corp birthday and Veterans Day this week, I have had an overwhelming sense of pride when I think of Tim. I am so proud to have known him. He was the bravest fighter. I wish I had known him back when he was in the Marine Corp because I love hearing stories about that time in his life. I found a DVD stashed in our collection that Ben had made of some of their time in Japan, titled "DD214", and I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it yet, though I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I'm ready to see his face on a screen quite yet. Maybe I'll have to have a viewing party of sorts.

 

This week has not been a good week. I feel so totally defeated. I feel sad, hopeless, lonely, mad, moody- I'm just not in a good place this week. I don't have a ton of positivity right now, and I'm just accepting it. Every day is a new day, though. Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake up with a little more hope, and a little less defeat. Maybe not. I'm just accepting the days as they come, and accepting the tears when they come, and accepting the anger when it comes.
I also had to get rid of Tim's car this week. It sucks because I'm so sad when I look at the parking spot and his car isn't there. He loved that car. He was debating on getting it last year, and of course I was egging him on. When he picked me up from the airport last July, I knew he made the right choice. I mean, come on, he was pretty damn handsome pulling up in that car, with the cutest dog in the back of it. I opened the door and just said, "YES." I loved that car too. All the little road trips we took. Listening to his iPod on shuffle. Singing out loud. Holding hands. Looking at the ocean. Sophie misses it too.

Overall this week, I just want Tim to be proud of me.  I want him to be proud of me taking what we learned from his experience, and using it to help and educate others. I've been giving my group fitness classes this month little tidbits of knowledge about lung cancer, and inviting them to the candlelight vigil tomorrow. I'm not sure if they care, or if it's absorbing, but it makes me feel better to help spread the word to end the stigma of Lung Cancer. To help out if you can. To donate your money, time, or energy to spread the word. I think if people just learn a little bit, and open their eyes a little bit, then my job is working. I hope Tim is proud of that. After I moved out here and landed my job at Road Runner and a job teaching fitness classes in the same week, I remember him being so proud of me. He just made me feel like I could tackle the world. Like I was the most amazing person he had ever met. He wrote the sweetest note on Facebook because he was so proud of me, and it makes me cry every time I think about it. Tim wasn't one to shout out from the rooftops, but he did for me. He also wasn't one to buy flowers, but one morning after I escaped to yoga, I came home to find only Karlene at the house. Neither of us knew where Tim had disappeared off to, and he was feeling so sick that morning. He opened the door 15 minutes later with a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands for me. Just because he said I was an amazing woman.

Tim knew what the probable outcome was of his diagnosis, and still, he didn't let it defeat him. His heart, head, and mind triumphed over the fear. Yes, he had bad days, and when he did, I was there to remind him to fight- to fight for his life, to fight for us, to fight for his future. He did so with that amazing smile, wonderful laugh, and genuine hope. He used to smile and chuckle when people would ask him how he's doing. His usual reply was, "I'm healthy... except that I have cancer." He used to tell Dr. Reismann that he felt bad for being on disability because for the most part, he felt pretty good. We would hike or walk every week, he was riding a mountain bike for a period of time, he would take Sophie to the beach or park and play with her- he was doing very active things for someone who had Stage 4 cancer. I remember when I first arrived here, he was so weak. He was at 160 lbs and losing more every day, and in a lot of pain. I was easing him into gentle stretching, and trying to get him to walk or exercise a little bit each day. One day, we made it down to the mailbox and back, and that was a huge accomplishment! That's how bad he was. I got him back up and moving in no time, fattened him up quite a bit, and pushed him back into that brave man I knew. Right before I took Tim into the hospital for the last time, I tried to make him walk to the mailbox with me and back. He could barely make it. I had such a heavy heart seeing this full circle again, but I pushed him to make it back around the building. In my eyes, everything was going to be OK. We had each other. Tim was a fighter. We were going to make it. That's why this week, I chose "Walking After You" by the Foo Fighters. It might be a toss-up between Deftones and Foo Fighters as Tim's favorite band (I still say Deftones), and this song is beautiful. I was always walking with Tim. Beside him. Behind him. Following him. Leading him. Things will not do without him, matter of fact.

Walking After You
Foo Fighters

Tonight, I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me,
I'm walking after you

If you accept surrender, give up some more
weren't you adored
I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

If you walk out on me
I'm walking after you
Another heart is cracked in two
I'm on your back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNwkN9vrUYY