Hurricane.

"False happiness is like false money; it passes for a long time as well as the true, and serves some ordinary occasions; but when it is brought to the touch, we find the lightness and alloy, and feel the loss..."

I spent some time in Maryland this weekend, and it was exactly what I needed. Spent much needed time with Carly. Met her beautiful baby, Sylvie. Slept, relaxed, and snuggled under blankets by the fire. Quite simply recharged my batteries with laughter and love. I never realize how much I genuinely miss someone until I spend time with them in person. And then I never want to leave. Or, at least I want them to come back with me. From the moment I met Carly, I knew we would be fast friends. We were concert buddies. Dexter buddies. Inside joke buddies. Shoulder shrug buddies. Food buddies. Festival buddies. T-shirt buddies. I miss her physical presence in my life and I wish the United States was so much smaller, so we didn't have to live so far away from each other.

The glasses are Tim's- I had my lenses put in to them. They were a huge hit- and thank goodness, since I left my contacts back in SD. It felt good to run around in them for a few days.

I forgot to mention last week- Sarabeth and I hosted game night this month (part of the TimStrong challenge for January), and I have to say, we're basically the best team. She cooked everything. I cleaned everything. We had an amazing group here that just laughed for hours straight, and it was such a good night. (Also added a few pics of the new place to the bottom for those of you asking to see :) )

I haven't really been dreaming lately, and when I do, it's not of Tim. I feel like he has abandoned my dreams- maybe to help me move on, maybe he's busy, maybe I'm just going through a dream dry spell. I still visit the cemetery every week, and sometimes I hope this will help Tim come visit me. I chose "Hurricane" this week for this entry, because in my head, there is always a hurricane of emotions going on (also, Carly introduced me to this song). I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad again. I'm content. I'm annoyed. And I know these are normal, every day feelings, but mine can come and go at the drop of a hat sometimes. It can be hard to try and reel in these feelings so that I'm not a hot hot mess on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like I overcompensate on some to knock out the others (overly joyful so I don't feel sadness, overly funny to overcome anger). I was saving a row on the airplane for Chelsy and Gentry and I to sit in, and this girl asked if I could move my bag. I nicely explained that I was saving the seats for my friends, that were 4 people behind her (also, she had the entire back of the plane to choose from- some people even had an entire row to themselves, but I digress). She gave me the dirtiest, evilest look for no reason, and I had a longer-than-fleeting moment of picturing my elbow connecting with her face. Those are the moments that the overwhelming anger suddenly decides to seep out, and thankfully Chelsy and Gentry's jovial and wonderful presence helped suppress it. I look forward to the day that some of that anger subsides. The fear subsides. The sadness subsides. The emptiness subsides. Until then, I just hope that a Chelsy or Gentry is there to bring me back down again.

Hurricane- MS MR

Didn't know what this would be
But I knew I didn't see
What you thought
You saw in me

I jumped the gun
So sure you'd split and run
Ready for the worst
Before the damage was done

The storm never came
Or it never was
Didn't know getting lost in the blue
It meant I wound up losing you

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
So dark and foul I can't disguise
Can't disguise
Nights like this
I become afraid
Of the darkness in my heart
Hurricane

What's wrong with me
Why not understand and see
I never saw
What you saw in me

Keep my eyes open
My lips sealed
My heart closed
And my ears peeled

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
So dark and foul I can't disguise
Can't disguise
Nights like this I become afraid
Of the darkness in my heart
Hurricane

Make ash and leave the dust behind
Lady diamond in the sky
Wild light
Glowing bright
To guide me
When I fall
I fall on tragedy

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind
So dark and foul I can't disguise
Can't disguise
Nights like this I become afraid
Of the darkness in my heart
Hurricane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7sj684zcmzw

I Know Places.

"I always knew looking back on my tears would bring me laughter, but I never knew looking back on my laughter would make me cry..."

I feel like, when I look at pictures of Tim and I before his diagnosis, that I tend to cry more at those pictures, than at pictures taken after. It hurts to look at them at times because we were so happy, so unknowing to what the near future was going to bring us. We had no idea that our ending would be this. That his ending would be so soon. That our Happily Ever After would never be. On a daily basis, I look back and think about certain things that we did, places we went, jokes that we made, and they seem so unreal to me sometimes. Like they never happened. When we were sailing, just living in the moment, feeling the sun and the cool breeze- was that real? His fingers going through my hair, or his hand held in mine- was that real? Sometimes it feels like an entirely different life- a book I read, or a movie I watched- not my own life.
One of my favorite things that Tim did was laugh. He had this amazing laugh, and I would get a kick out of myself for making him laugh. When Tim laughed, you knew that it funny. Back in 2012, Tim decided that he wanted to take me to see his favorite comedian- Mike Birbiglia. The closest Birbigs was coming to Ohio was Indiana (Butler University), so we decided to make that work somehow. I drove to Indiana on a Friday night after work, stayed at Sara and Paul's house, picked Tim up from the Indianapolis airport after his red eye flight on Saturday morning, we went to the show, slept for maybe 4 hours, then I drove him to the airport and I drove the 3 hours back home. We only saw each other for literally 24 hours, but it was one of the very best days I can remember with Tim. When Tim would take red eye flights out to see me, I always made sure we put in some kind of nap time for him. So after I picked him up, we actually went to look for a barber (he really wanted to try for this fancy barber in downtown Indianapolis), but the wait was too long so we drove out to Sara and Paul's house for some nap time. We really just kind of hung out for the day and enjoyed each other's company, and napped with Bella and Jaxson (the pups). Tim and I had decided beforehand that we were going to really dress up for this occasion and be the fanciest people there. We brought outfits that looked like we were going to a wedding. Needless to say, we were the most overdressed people to walk into a comedy show ever. Before the show, we were trying to Google places to grab a drink beforehand. We found this random place that was down the street from the venue, so we decided to check it out. We walked in, all fancy and stuff, and there was some sort of drag show/art project going on. Tim's face was priceless. I think we both looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and took a seat at the bar. We were completely out of place. This bar also still allowed smoking, so we were sitting there, trying not to touch anything, a look of disgust on our faces from the smoke, paired with a look of bewilderment from the drag show/art project going on, and I'm not sure we said a word to each other the whole time. We were so involved in the people watching at this weird, disgusting, intriguing dive bar, that nothing needed to be said. We walked out after one drink and just started laughing hysterically. We had no idea what had just happened, but it was definitely memorable. We finally arrived at the show, drank our fancy cocktails out of sippy cups (all drinks had to have a lid with a straw), strutted around the place like we were celebrities, and laughed the entire night. I remember at one point, the opener said something pretty funny, and Tim spewed out his drink all over me. Out the nose, out the mouth, everywhere. I was covered in orange juice and vodka. We both laughed so hard about that, even a year later.

 

 

On the drive to Indianapolis, I listed to the "mixed tape" that Tim had sent me a week before, which included a few albums from Lykke Li. Every time I hear her songs, I think about him and that trip and how much fun that 24 hours was. I truly love this song from Lykke Li- it's beautiful and for me, heart-breaking. I wanted to take Tim everywhere that I could. If only this universe would have given me the time.

 

I Know Places- Lykke Li

 

I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
The high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.

I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Where the highs wont bring you down babe.
No, The highs wont hurt you there babe.

Don't ask me when, but ask me why.
Don't ask me how, but ask me where.
There is a road. There is a way.
There is a place. There is a place.

I know places we can go babe
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
And, the high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.

So,
Come lay... And wait...
Now wont you lay... and wait... Wait on me.

I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg8XfE3IsjM



Creep.

"To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship..."

Some of you probably laughed when you saw this title because you knew Tim and I together, and our favorite word to call each other was "Creep." Yes, "Bear" was our word of endearment, but let's be honest, we used "creep" probably more. It was our favorite word to call out to each other and we used it for every occasion. Formal occasions. Faux arguments. At parties. At bars. At fancy restaurants. You name it- we probably ruined the moment by calling each other a creep.

I went for a hike with my friend Melody on Sunday, and we did a lot of reflecting on our relationships. I've never been the kind of girl that likes hopeless romantic types- I'm not really into Valentine's Day, I squirm when guys are too emotional, I run when they are too dependent. Tim was my perfect blend of man, though to be honest, he was definitely a hard case to crack. I had whiplash from him for the first, let's say, 6-8 months of our relationship. Something kept bringing us back together though- like I've said before, from that moment I first met him in person, my brain and heart just clicked together. I just knew he was in my life for a reason, and I couldn't get rid of that nagging idea that we were meant for something great. Sounds totally contradicting of my non-hopeless romantic idea, but when Tim and I were together, the puzzle pieces just fit together. I've always been very independent- my parents divorced when I was 7, and it really forced me to learn how to be by myself. I love being by myself- I need that space. I'm much more like my dad in this way- we are both kind of solitary people. And not solitary in a weird or creepy or sad way- just content with being by ourselves for periods of time. Tim and I were equal in the relationship, where we were awesome together, but also awesome apart. We would arrive at parties together, split off for the night, come back together at small intervals, and then leave together. We never had to be hip-to-hip. We never had to cling to one another. Tim really leveled my out- he was romantic and a gentleman when he needed to be, he was rough on me and brought me down to earth when I needed him to, and he treated me like an equal (except during Jeopardy. Or knowing directions. Or driving.) Maybe "partner" is a better term to use :) Here are some good creep photos (except the first, which is just plain cute).

 

 

 

Well, I'm finally getting settled in to my new apartment (I'll post pics next week). Sarabeth and I get along like we've been friends for years, and with our opposite schedules, give each other the space we both need, yet still find the time to hang out and get to know one another. We've started these "Adventure Nights" where we are basically gluttonous pigs for a night at a new restaurant once a week. We order wine, salads, entrees, dessert and coffee. (Don't tell my trainer or she'll make me do double sprints, and I hate sprints). We have the same mentality of "Well, I work out all the time, therefore, I can eat basically whatever I damn well please". This mentality is catching up to me though, so I might need to cut back on eating only 2 bags of chips per week vs. 3 bags. Yep, Sarabeth and I eat like animals.

I've been going to the cemetery on my Monday lunch break for the past few weeks, when I haven't been able to get to the cemetery during the weekend. I kind of like it on one hand, because I bring my little lunch bag, yoga mat, book, and just hang out and eat lunch- feeling the sunshine warm on my skin, hearing (and feeling) the jets fly overhead, and just feeling... content. On the other hand, the cemetery is unfortunately busy during the week- there are always funerals and graves being dug, the feeling of sadness and grief hanging in the air. This week while I was there, they played Taps. I grabbed Tim's tombstone during this moment of time, hoping that he could feel me, wherever he is. When I hear Taps, the world stops. Everything stops. I think my blood even stops. But it was kind of a sweet moment- I really hope he was with me there.

Every time "Creep" is on the radio, I just smile and laugh. I never thought the word would have so much meaning to me. This one is for you, ya creep.

Creep- Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She run, run, run, run
Run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkzRNyygfk

Silhouettes.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy..."

When someone you love dies, you eventually start viewing the world in a different way. For me, I'm starting to slow down and enjoy what the world has to offer. The sunlight beating down on my face. The sand between my fingers. The wind through my hair. The smell of dirt during my weekly hikes. The sound of navy aircrafts in the sky, which makes me feel secure. I'm not really sure what kind of God I believe in, but ever since Tim died, I've realized that there has to be more to this Earth than just us. The world is such a vastly different and beautiful place- I can't imagine that some bring didn't help design this natural place. I think mostly, I don't want to accept that Tim isn't here anymore- in any shape or form. For me, I see him everywhere. I feel him leading me through life with tiny breadcrumbs. He shows us in different ways that he's still here, looking after us. I had a quick and helpful conversation with a nice, cute guy at the airport, he turned around and his backpack said U.S.M.C. A song comes on the radio, and I know he sent it my way. I went to Supercross this past weekend with Krista, Sean, and Patrick, and I saw him everywhere- every guy in a flat bill hat and a hoody was Tim. I found myself more than once scanning the crowd for his face. God, I miss that face. Sean and Tim went to a million races together, and I'm glad he let us share this experience with him. I'm sure it wasn't the same- Sean couldn't really shoot the shit about the riders with us, but we tried :) I also got to meeting the talented and amazing Hannah Hodges. Tim had such a special place in his heart for Hannah and her amazing parents, Melissa and Wayne, and it made my night to meet them. Tim and the Hodges family had a mutual love and respect for one another, and I'm so grateful for their presence in his life. Tim appeared to Karlene's friend, Monika, in her dream this week- apparently with shoulder length hair (find a barber already!) and looked healthy. He told her to tell us that he was doing well and healthy again. The coolest thing above all this week was the bag that showed up at Ontario airport without an owner, and it landed in Karlene's lap. TimStrong!

 

 Tim and I went to a couple of Supercross races together. The first one was in LA, and our relationship was still "on the down low", so we carefully made our way through the crowds, careful not to look to "coupley" and avoid as many people as we could. Except Sean. That might have been the first time I actually met Sean. We sat all the way at the top of the stadium where there were no Industry people, so we got to snuggle in the cold weather and enjoy the race just the two of us. The second race was San Diego last February, which was fun because we went with the entire One Industries team, and since Tim and Jeremy were such good friends, I got to spend a little more time with the wonderful Tasha. I also got to meet Ivan's extended family, including his lovely wife and children. Tim had such a respect for Ivan, and even though he was Tim's boss, he was also one of Tim's closest friends, allies, and supporters.

 



 

 I picked up this book to read on the way home from Columbus- Sister, by Rosamund Lipton. I wanted something a little less YA (you know I'm a crazy 14 year old girl at heart), and thought it would be a nice choice- a little thriller. Instead, I chose the book that deals with the death of a sister, and the feelings of loss that go with losing someone you love so much, and yet, I'm so happy that I did. Lipton's words and portrayal of what the main character is going through is... soothing, helpful, on-point, beautiful, sad, tear-jerking. This little fiction book has helped me in a ton of ways this week- I actually even wanted to reach for a highlighter to highlight some of my absolutely favorite words/feelings, but then remembered this was a fiction novel, and not a self-help book. Lipton must have had to deal with a loss in her life to be so... exact. It's beautiful, and I'm thoroughly enjoying reading it.

 

I absolutely love this song- Silhouettes. The second line hits me hard "I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong". I will say that yes, the days have gotten slightly easier. I smile, laugh, enjoy the sunshine. This doesn't mean, though, that I still don't miss Tim, or don't wish he was here with me. Sometimes I find myself having a good time and feel guilty for it. I know that Tim would slap me for feeling guilty, but the world feels wrong without him. I literally went to text him the other day- like picked up my phone- and realized I couldn't. And it was some stupid thing I was going to ask him, that didn't have any meaning, but my heart fell when I realized the reality. It's hard "letting go". It's hard to take steps forward without Tim there. It's hard to laugh. Sometime hard to breathe. Hard to figure out directions. Hard to see how beautiful this city is and he isn't there to share it with. Hard to feel like I will ever love someone so much again.

 

Silhouettes- Of Monsters and Men

 

It's hard letting go

I'm finally at peace but it feels wrong
Slow I'm getting up
My hands and feet are weaker than before

And you are folded on the bed where I rest my head
There's nothing I can see, darkness becomes me

But I'm already there, I'm already there

Wherever there is you, I will be there too

There's nothing that I'd take back
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret
Cause when I sing, you shout
I breathe out loud
You bleed, we crawl like animals
But when it's over, I'm still awake

A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest
No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me

But I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too
But I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too

'Cause I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too
I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaCCYL7TXLY

 



Stay./The New Year.

"Whether we want them or not, the New Year will bring new challenges; whether we seize them or not, the New Year will bring new opportunities. .."

Let me start off by saying Happy New Year!!! 2013 was the best and worst year of my life. I've had a serious case of whiplash from the beginning of last year, and I only pray that 2014 has a smooth, calm breeze ahead for me. I can say this much about 2013- it was the year that changed me in every way. It was the year that I realized how precious life is. When you watch someone you deeply love take their very last breath on Earth, you realize that life is a gift. Yes, I lost Tim, but I also saw the miracle of my friends giving precious life- the beautiful babies- Jude, Alex, and Sylvia. A couple more are due next year, and I just can't wait to meet them.

Tim and I were wild and crazy last year for New Year's Eve. The wild night started off at the Olive Garden (we had a bunch of gift cards), and ended with me snoring in his ear at 11pm while watching a movie. I know- super party animals. I would give anything to do that again this year. I don't need the fancy parties, or the alcohol, or the resolutions- I just need Tim to snuggle up to. I've been having these moments lately where I really realize that he's not alive- it's like this overwhelming rush of emotions and my heart stops beating. I feel like most of the time, I'm just flowing through life, not really thinking about him being absent from the world. Then something hits me, most likely him from somewhere, and I realize that he isn't here, and that I can't talk to him, and he can't hold me anymore, and we can't listen to music or go to the movies or watch Amazing Race, arguing who would do what challenge. I like to pretend that he's here with me every day, but the reality is, he's not. And I hate getting that feeling because it feels like I can't breathe. It's like on most days, I can't comprehend that he's not actually living, and then in those fleeting moments, it's so horribly clear that he isn't.

The holidays were great- it was so wonderful to see my family and friends, to actually feel their love and hugs, since this was the first time I had really seen most of them since Tim's death. I was a hot mess of busy- I literally had a schedule from the time I woke up, until the time I went to sleep. I did this mostly because I wanted to be able to see everyone- and not just see them in a huge clump, but actually spend one-on-one time with them. It was very rare that I had a moment to myself to reflect on my feelings and be sad, but as the week went on, I became a tad bit more exhausted, and just really missed Tim. I missed him laughing at jokes and stories that I know he would have laughed at. I missed him being my anchor to hold me down when I got temperamental. I missed buying him gifts and waiting for him to open them. I missed him being my other half- it was very lonely without him. Thankfully, my wonderful friends and family made me feel special and loved, and without them knowing it, they helped me through the holidays when I had been bracing for them to be unlivable. Again, how did I get so lucky? I am so blessed.

 

This entry has 2 songs because I'm torn. I want 2013 to stay- I want to be part of some weird Groundhog Day movie where I get to relive January 2013-July 2013 over and over again. 2014 is a year that Tim never got to see. Tim will not have a physical footprint in 2014 and that's so scary/sad/weird/heartbreaking to me. I also know that holding on to 2013 isn't quite healthy, and that I need to look forward to the new year and embrace it. I don't have any real resolutions- at least nothing that I haven't already promised myself. Take care of your body. Live your life full. Take adventures. Travel. Love unconditionally. Give back to the world and help with lung cancer research any way you can. You know, those sorts of things. Even though Tim will not physically be here this year, I know that together with his family and friends, we will continue to keep him alive and well in our thoughts and actions. We will continue to live out our lives in his honor and in his memory. We will continue to put his footprints in ours so that he lives on through us.

Tim, I love you and miss you. In every second of every day. In every lyric to every song. Happy New Year, my love.

 

Stay- Rihanna

 

All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."

Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take–it's given

Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay.

Oh, the reason I hold on
Oh, 'cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving.

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay, stay.
I want you to stay, oh.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF8BRvqGCNs

30 seconds to Mars version- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqPATbDhrb4

 

The New Year- Death Cab for Cutie

 

So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year 

 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSgHGFuPNus