Silhouettes.

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy..."

When someone you love dies, you eventually start viewing the world in a different way. For me, I'm starting to slow down and enjoy what the world has to offer. The sunlight beating down on my face. The sand between my fingers. The wind through my hair. The smell of dirt during my weekly hikes. The sound of navy aircrafts in the sky, which makes me feel secure. I'm not really sure what kind of God I believe in, but ever since Tim died, I've realized that there has to be more to this Earth than just us. The world is such a vastly different and beautiful place- I can't imagine that some bring didn't help design this natural place. I think mostly, I don't want to accept that Tim isn't here anymore- in any shape or form. For me, I see him everywhere. I feel him leading me through life with tiny breadcrumbs. He shows us in different ways that he's still here, looking after us. I had a quick and helpful conversation with a nice, cute guy at the airport, he turned around and his backpack said U.S.M.C. A song comes on the radio, and I know he sent it my way. I went to Supercross this past weekend with Krista, Sean, and Patrick, and I saw him everywhere- every guy in a flat bill hat and a hoody was Tim. I found myself more than once scanning the crowd for his face. God, I miss that face. Sean and Tim went to a million races together, and I'm glad he let us share this experience with him. I'm sure it wasn't the same- Sean couldn't really shoot the shit about the riders with us, but we tried :) I also got to meeting the talented and amazing Hannah Hodges. Tim had such a special place in his heart for Hannah and her amazing parents, Melissa and Wayne, and it made my night to meet them. Tim and the Hodges family had a mutual love and respect for one another, and I'm so grateful for their presence in his life. Tim appeared to Karlene's friend, Monika, in her dream this week- apparently with shoulder length hair (find a barber already!) and looked healthy. He told her to tell us that he was doing well and healthy again. The coolest thing above all this week was the bag that showed up at Ontario airport without an owner, and it landed in Karlene's lap. TimStrong!

 

 Tim and I went to a couple of Supercross races together. The first one was in LA, and our relationship was still "on the down low", so we carefully made our way through the crowds, careful not to look to "coupley" and avoid as many people as we could. Except Sean. That might have been the first time I actually met Sean. We sat all the way at the top of the stadium where there were no Industry people, so we got to snuggle in the cold weather and enjoy the race just the two of us. The second race was San Diego last February, which was fun because we went with the entire One Industries team, and since Tim and Jeremy were such good friends, I got to spend a little more time with the wonderful Tasha. I also got to meet Ivan's extended family, including his lovely wife and children. Tim had such a respect for Ivan, and even though he was Tim's boss, he was also one of Tim's closest friends, allies, and supporters.

 



 

 I picked up this book to read on the way home from Columbus- Sister, by Rosamund Lipton. I wanted something a little less YA (you know I'm a crazy 14 year old girl at heart), and thought it would be a nice choice- a little thriller. Instead, I chose the book that deals with the death of a sister, and the feelings of loss that go with losing someone you love so much, and yet, I'm so happy that I did. Lipton's words and portrayal of what the main character is going through is... soothing, helpful, on-point, beautiful, sad, tear-jerking. This little fiction book has helped me in a ton of ways this week- I actually even wanted to reach for a highlighter to highlight some of my absolutely favorite words/feelings, but then remembered this was a fiction novel, and not a self-help book. Lipton must have had to deal with a loss in her life to be so... exact. It's beautiful, and I'm thoroughly enjoying reading it.

 

I absolutely love this song- Silhouettes. The second line hits me hard "I'm finally at peace, but it feels wrong". I will say that yes, the days have gotten slightly easier. I smile, laugh, enjoy the sunshine. This doesn't mean, though, that I still don't miss Tim, or don't wish he was here with me. Sometimes I find myself having a good time and feel guilty for it. I know that Tim would slap me for feeling guilty, but the world feels wrong without him. I literally went to text him the other day- like picked up my phone- and realized I couldn't. And it was some stupid thing I was going to ask him, that didn't have any meaning, but my heart fell when I realized the reality. It's hard "letting go". It's hard to take steps forward without Tim there. It's hard to laugh. Sometime hard to breathe. Hard to figure out directions. Hard to see how beautiful this city is and he isn't there to share it with. Hard to feel like I will ever love someone so much again.

 

Silhouettes- Of Monsters and Men

 

It's hard letting go

I'm finally at peace but it feels wrong
Slow I'm getting up
My hands and feet are weaker than before

And you are folded on the bed where I rest my head
There's nothing I can see, darkness becomes me

But I'm already there, I'm already there

Wherever there is you, I will be there too

There's nothing that I'd take back
But it's hard to say there's nothing I regret
Cause when I sing, you shout
I breathe out loud
You bleed, we crawl like animals
But when it's over, I'm still awake

A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest
No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me

But I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too
But I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too

'Cause I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too
I'm already there, I'm already there
Wherever there is you, I will be there too 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaCCYL7TXLY