I feel like, when I look at pictures of Tim and I before his diagnosis, that I tend to cry more at those pictures, than at pictures taken after. It hurts to look at them at times because we were so happy, so unknowing to what the near future was going to bring us. We had no idea that our ending would be this. That his ending would be so soon. That our Happily Ever After would never be. On a daily basis, I look back and think about certain things that we did, places we went, jokes that we made, and they seem so unreal to me sometimes. Like they never happened. When we were sailing, just living in the moment, feeling the sun and the cool breeze- was that real? His fingers going through my hair, or his hand held in mine- was that real? Sometimes it feels like an entirely different life- a book I read, or a movie I watched- not my own life.
One of my favorite things that Tim did was laugh. He had this amazing laugh, and I would get a kick out of myself for making him laugh. When Tim laughed, you knew that it funny. Back in 2012, Tim decided that he wanted to take me to see his favorite comedian- Mike Birbiglia. The closest Birbigs was coming to Ohio was Indiana (Butler University), so we decided to make that work somehow. I drove to Indiana on a Friday night after work, stayed at Sara and Paul's house, picked Tim up from the Indianapolis airport after his red eye flight on Saturday morning, we went to the show, slept for maybe 4 hours, then I drove him to the airport and I drove the 3 hours back home. We only saw each other for literally 24 hours, but it was one of the very best days I can remember with Tim. When Tim would take red eye flights out to see me, I always made sure we put in some kind of nap time for him. So after I picked him up, we actually went to look for a barber (he really wanted to try for this fancy barber in downtown Indianapolis), but the wait was too long so we drove out to Sara and Paul's house for some nap time. We really just kind of hung out for the day and enjoyed each other's company, and napped with Bella and Jaxson (the pups). Tim and I had decided beforehand that we were going to really dress up for this occasion and be the fanciest people there. We brought outfits that looked like we were going to a wedding. Needless to say, we were the most overdressed people to walk into a comedy show ever. Before the show, we were trying to Google places to grab a drink beforehand. We found this random place that was down the street from the venue, so we decided to check it out. We walked in, all fancy and stuff, and there was some sort of drag show/art project going on. Tim's face was priceless. I think we both looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and took a seat at the bar. We were completely out of place. This bar also still allowed smoking, so we were sitting there, trying not to touch anything, a look of disgust on our faces from the smoke, paired with a look of bewilderment from the drag show/art project going on, and I'm not sure we said a word to each other the whole time. We were so involved in the people watching at this weird, disgusting, intriguing dive bar, that nothing needed to be said. We walked out after one drink and just started laughing hysterically. We had no idea what had just happened, but it was definitely memorable. We finally arrived at the show, drank our fancy cocktails out of sippy cups (all drinks had to have a lid with a straw), strutted around the place like we were celebrities, and laughed the entire night. I remember at one point, the opener said something pretty funny, and Tim spewed out his drink all over me. Out the nose, out the mouth, everywhere. I was covered in orange juice and vodka. We both laughed so hard about that, even a year later.
On the drive to Indianapolis, I listed to the "mixed tape" that Tim had sent me a week before, which included a few albums from Lykke Li. Every time I hear her songs, I think about him and that trip and how much fun that 24 hours was. I truly love this song from Lykke Li- it's beautiful and for me, heart-breaking. I wanted to take Tim everywhere that I could. If only this universe would have given me the time.
I Know Places- Lykke Li
I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
The high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.
I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Where the highs wont bring you down babe.
No, The highs wont hurt you there babe.
Don't ask me when, but ask me why.
Don't ask me how, but ask me where.
There is a road. There is a way.
There is a place. There is a place.
I know places we can go babe
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
And, the high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.
So,
Come lay... And wait...
Now wont you lay... and wait... Wait on me.
I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
I know places we can go babe.
The high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.
I know places we can go babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Where the highs wont bring you down babe.
No, The highs wont hurt you there babe.
Don't ask me when, but ask me why.
Don't ask me how, but ask me where.
There is a road. There is a way.
There is a place. There is a place.
I know places we can go babe
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
And, the high wont fade here babe.
No, the high wont hurt here babe.
So,
Come lay... And wait...
Now wont you lay... and wait... Wait on me.
I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
I know places we can go babe.
Coming home. Come unfold babe.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg8XfE3IsjM
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