Let me start off by saying Happy New Year!!! 2013 was the best and worst year of my life. I've had a serious case of whiplash from the beginning of last year, and I only pray that 2014 has a smooth, calm breeze ahead for me. I can say this much about 2013- it was the year that changed me in every way. It was the year that I realized how precious life is. When you watch someone you deeply love take their very last breath on Earth, you realize that life is a gift. Yes, I lost Tim, but I also saw the miracle of my friends giving precious life- the beautiful babies- Jude, Alex, and Sylvia. A couple more are due next year, and I just can't wait to meet them.
Tim and I were wild and crazy last year for New Year's Eve. The wild night started off at the Olive Garden (we had a bunch of gift cards), and ended with me snoring in his ear at 11pm while watching a movie. I know- super party animals. I would give anything to do that again this year. I don't need the fancy parties, or the alcohol, or the resolutions- I just need Tim to snuggle up to. I've been having these moments lately where I really realize that he's not alive- it's like this overwhelming rush of emotions and my heart stops beating. I feel like most of the time, I'm just flowing through life, not really thinking about him being absent from the world. Then something hits me, most likely him from somewhere, and I realize that he isn't here, and that I can't talk to him, and he can't hold me anymore, and we can't listen to music or go to the movies or watch Amazing Race, arguing who would do what challenge. I like to pretend that he's here with me every day, but the reality is, he's not. And I hate getting that feeling because it feels like I can't breathe. It's like on most days, I can't comprehend that he's not actually living, and then in those fleeting moments, it's so horribly clear that he isn't.
The holidays were great- it was so wonderful to see my family and friends, to actually feel their love and hugs, since this was the first time I had really seen most of them since Tim's death. I was a hot mess of busy- I literally had a schedule from the time I woke up, until the time I went to sleep. I did this mostly because I wanted to be able to see everyone- and not just see them in a huge clump, but actually spend one-on-one time with them. It was very rare that I had a moment to myself to reflect on my feelings and be sad, but as the week went on, I became a tad bit more exhausted, and just really missed Tim. I missed him laughing at jokes and stories that I know he would have laughed at. I missed him being my anchor to hold me down when I got temperamental. I missed buying him gifts and waiting for him to open them. I missed him being my other half- it was very lonely without him. Thankfully, my wonderful friends and family made me feel special and loved, and without them knowing it, they helped me through the holidays when I had been bracing for them to be unlivable. Again, how did I get so lucky? I am so blessed.
This entry has 2 songs because I'm torn. I want 2013 to stay- I want to be part of some weird Groundhog Day movie where I get to relive January 2013-July 2013 over and over again. 2014 is a year that Tim never got to see. Tim will not have a physical footprint in 2014 and that's so scary/sad/weird/heartbreaking to me. I also know that holding on to 2013 isn't quite healthy, and that I need to look forward to the new year and embrace it. I don't have any real resolutions- at least nothing that I haven't already promised myself. Take care of your body. Live your life full. Take adventures. Travel. Love unconditionally. Give back to the world and help with lung cancer research any way you can. You know, those sorts of things. Even though Tim will not physically be here this year, I know that together with his family and friends, we will continue to keep him alive and well in our thoughts and actions. We will continue to live out our lives in his honor and in his memory. We will continue to put his footprints in ours so that he lives on through us.
Tim, I love you and miss you. In every second of every day. In every lyric to every song. Happy New Year, my love.
Stay- Rihanna
All along it was a fever
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay
It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take–it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay.
A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"
He said, "If you dare, come a little closer."
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay
It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take–it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Oh now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know.
Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay.
Oh, 'cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
'Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving.
Not really sure how to feel about it.
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you.
It takes me all the way.
I want you to stay, stay.
I want you to stay, oh.
30 seconds to Mars version- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqPATbDhrb4
The New Year- Death Cab for Cutie
So this is the new year.
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back
So this is the new year
And i don't feel any different.
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).
So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions
So everybody put your best suit or dress on
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn
As thirty dialogs bleed into one
I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back.
There'd be no distance that could hold us back
So this is the new year
No comments:
Post a Comment