Sleeping To Dream.

"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before..."

After the happiness and hustle of my birthday finally died down, life started to settle again. And when life settles, and I don't have a million things to do, or a million people to talk to, I can feel that hole in my heart where Tim's life used to be. I had a rough week last week. I should have written about it, but I wasn't in the mood. I was on the brink of tears for 5 days straight- I was emotional, fragile, sensitive to everything. I was crying at every television show, commercial, song, and movie preview. I was petrified my roommate was going to come home and find me sobbing on the couch after the season finale of The Vampire Diaries (which Tim graciously nicknamed The Vagina Diaries). I was a mess last week. I missed Tim uncontrollably. When I get angry and sad at the same time, I always yell out the same thing- "Why did you leave me here?!" I'm well aware he didn't leave me here by choice. But even surrounded by a million people can make me feel so alone.

I sometimes fear that I will be alone in this world and that no one will want to date the girl with the montage of her dead boyfriend on her wall. No one will want to date the girl that can't let go of the past and holds tightly to its wonderful memories. No one will want to date the girl that listens for their heartbeat at night because that's the way she knows they are alive. No one will want to date the girl that cringes when she sees pill bottles and Fruit Punch Gatorade. I can only hope that the universe, and Tim, will send me someone that will see the girl that Tim did. The girl that fights for him. The girl that stands by his side. The girl that never gives up hope, never gives up on love, and never stops seeing the light.

I just feel like our memories are slowly slipping away and I'm grasping so hard to keep them here. I'm the only one left of the two of us that can remember that we did indeed share these moments- that we lived in this little one bedroom apartment, that I came home to him every day and curled up in his arms, that we took little adventures, that I cooked meals every night. Moments are starting to blur and I'm trying to do anything I can to stop it. I only wish that when I sleep, I could revisit these memories. Or at least his face. Just to say hi. And to remember what it felt like to be loved by him.

Sleeping To Dream- Jason Mraz

I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What a beautiful sight

[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so damn tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair well you were everywhere out there
But I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

[Repeat Chorus]

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

[Repeat Chorus]

Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired

Sleeping To Dream

Young Blood.

"Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old..."

I moved into a new decade of my life last week- I turned 30. Which apparently is a big deal, though I don't feel any different. Except maybe more loved. A little more alive. A tiny bit more happy. 29 was a rough year. Being embraced and welcomed into the world of 30 gives me hope that "the best is yet to come". I'm optimistic that the universe will give me something now to look forward to. To be happy about. To wake up smiling about. I'm kind of hoping the universe will take care of me for a little while. At least until I'm 95-97% up and running again. But, the universe is "not a wish-granting factory". It will still probably throw me a curve ball every now and again, and knock me down, and slam doors in my face. I'm resilient, though. I'm strong. And now, I'm 30, so I can kick its ass.

30 is a fresh start, a fresh decade to put my footprint in. It's a small step toward a new life, a new happiness, a new Jess. Living in San Diego, with its endless sunshine, endless activities, endless amazing food, has opened up the world for me and shown me endless possibilities. I know I say it all the time- but I LOVE it here. I love living here. I love everything about it. I literally wake up every morning and think about how much I love living here. Yes, I've totally become a snob about living here, and I love it so much, that I don't even care! Sarabeth and I literally ask each other every week, "Can you believe that we live here?!" I will say my bank account doesn't love living here- but hey, you can't take it with you. Or as Sophia Vergara said the other night on Seth Meyers, "I can't be buried with all my American Dollars". Exactly. I can't be buried with all my American Dollars, so I'm living by her rules.

I thought my birthday would be harder to face than Tim's birthday was. I was expecting to be sad, maybe depressed about the fact that he wasn't here. I ended up having a REALLY amazing birthday, surrounded by the people that I love, getting wishes, phone calls, flowers, presents, cards, and love from all over the country. It was seriously amazing. I have never felt more happy, more loved, or more alive than I did on my 30th birthday.

I wasn't as much as a mess as I thought I would be. I thought about Tim all day, as I usually do, but I didn't think about him in a sad way. Now, I think about our happy moments, about how happy we made each other, about how much we loved each other, and about all the great things that we did with our lives together. It's much easier for me to think about us in happy ways, rather than sad ways. Because who wants to be depressed all the time about something they can't change? I will say I'm continuously haunted by my 29th birthday card that he gave me. I even mentioned it in the speech I gave at his funeral- those little 10 words will stay with me for the rest of my life- "keep keeping me alive. I kind of like it here." (Also, Grandma Carly gets a shout out). Also, it says Happy 30th-1. I, of course, had to have him explain why he put Happy 30th on the card when I turned 29.

The lyrics of "Young Blood" have been popping up a lot in my head lately, so it's only fitting that it marks my first blog entry as an old, 30 year-old. We are all still young- still figuring out life, still unprepared for the changes it gives us, still wondering what it all means. I hope to never lose that innocence of loving what I can't see, waiting for the unknown, excited for the life ahead. 

"Young Blood"- The Naked and Famous

We're only young and naive still
We require certain skills
The mood it changes like the wind
Hard to control when it begins

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Can't help myself but count the flaws
Claw my way out through these walls
One temporary escape
Feel it start to permeate

We lie beneath the stars at night
Our hands gripping each other tight
You keep my secrets hope to die
Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

As it withers
Brittle it shakes
Can you whisper
As it crumbles and breaks
As you shiver
Count up all your mistakes
Pair of forgivers
Let go before it's too late
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper
Can you whisper

The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
The bittersweet between my teeth
Trying to find the in-betweens
Fall back in love eventually
Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Young Blood- Renhold Remix- my favorite :)