I Kill Giants.

"I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful..."

During Shavasana in my yoga practice on Sunday, I pictured myself floating in the ocean. Quietly. Serenely. The warmth of the sun on my body. The salty air filling my lungs. It's a place I can escape to where there is no Tim, no memories, no friends, no family, just me. No one can touch me there. No one can interrupt the blissful wind, or the sound of the water, or my breath flowing in and out. I can't be hurt, or sad, or angry there.
But then, I have to open my eyes, and return to reality. 
I have felt sort of lost lately, wondering aimlessly around week after week with no real sense of urgency or purpose. I  feel like since Tim is gone, I haven't really had much to look forward to in my daily routine. I miss watching Jeopardy. I miss cooking him dinner. I miss coming home, opening the door, and seeing his face. I miss his texts. I miss his emails. I felt so centered, so peaceful, when he was around. I could be me, he could be him. Sometimes I wonder if we should have been more crazy, more urgent, in trying to find him alternatives to the chemo. Sometimes I feel like if I hadn't been so damn adamant that he was going to live, that we would have tried harder to find the best of the best of the best. I still truly can't comprehend his absence from this world, and mostly because I'm fighting it. If he is gone, then I failed him.  
I have been taking some of that leftover energy and investing it more in myself. Training sessions with Sherry every week have made me feel more physically and mentally strong. She's going to help me get where I need to be for when I turn the big 3-0 in May. I think helping myself get stronger  is a good way to focus some of that lost feeling, some of the loneliness, and some of the anger.  

Tim and I saw The Naked and Famous in concert together in Columbus, and we were actually disappointed in the show. We were so pumped for the concert- Tim flew in for it because we had both been listening to their album and loved it, and the show was $5. I remember them playing really quietly. It was odd. And they had no stage presence. I still like the band, but I will say their first show was not what we were expecting. I heard "I Kill Giants" the other day at work and almost couldn't hold it together. I'm pretty good at silently crying at work, tears falling on my desk, and I just continue to "work". I'm pretty sure no one notices. The lyrics punched through my heart and made it hard to breathe. Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom to get myself together- pace back and forth in the handicap stall and wait for my brain to start functioning again. I don't know if this will ever go away. I did hear "West Coast" in the car on the way back from Santa Ynez this weekend (visits up there are priceless to me), and I smiled and started belting it out. I got about 3/4 of the way through before I started crying through the singing. That're progress considering I can't even listen in the first 8 notes of "Transatlanticism" without losing my mind. 

"I Kill Giants"- The Naked and Famous

the end of june came
and took you away
we were all crying
felt like i was dying

black dress & black shoes
tied laces for you
the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?

inside my head
at the edge of the bed
where somberness lay
in your children that day
as goodbyes are spent
holding on to what's left
the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?

nothing but ashes
in the old fire place
with all of the memories
he has erased
heavier heels
his mourning concealed
on the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I56yYHxP2k

All At Once.

"There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love..."

The difference and learning from last Thursday and Friday was that it's much easier for me to celebrate Tim's birth, than to face his death. Celebrating Tim's birthday was a nice day for me- we did a bunch of things around the city that Tim and I probably would have done- go to breakfast at The Original Pancake House, go to the zoo, get cupcakes, go to the dog beach, go to dinner. Laugh, smile, breathe. Friday rolled around as the 6 month anniversary of his death, and I was in a much sour mood than the day before. Friday was not a celebratory day- I couldn't smile and fake my way through it. I had mood swings about every hour, and I just let them pass through as they needed to. I cried on the way to work, during work, on the way home from work. But Thursday was a good day. It was a day to remember Tim, how he affected us in different ways, how he made our lives better and more comedic, how he changed our perspectives on things and challenged us. It was a day to celebrate that he was in our lives, for however long he was able to, and we are better for it. We are changed for it. And that's something to celebrate.

Sarabeth surprised me on his birthday with a bear that she made (with the help of the precious pups Bailey and Sophie). It was a TimStrong Bear- a bear with Tim's style, right down to the hoody and ray-ban sunglasses. It was seriously amazing. She told me that she had been thinking about making it for awhile, but didn't know if she should or not. Then the night before Tim's birthday, she woke up in the middle of the night, and she saw him standing in her room- standing next to her dresser, in a baseball hat, dressed in white. She blinked, and he was gone, but she knew it was him. She told me she wasn't scared to see him, and it was only the second time she had ever experienced anything like it, but she knew that he was here, watching over me, making sure that I was ok. It was the most reassuring and emotional part of that day for me. I'm so glad that he's here.

I went to Logan's birthday party this Sunday, and it really hit me how Tim is not here to see him and Baby V grow up. Or here to read stories to Soraya and Ellison. Or here to see how cute Jude looks in his new Nikes I bought him (so cute. ridiculously cute). That's one thing that I really, really loved about Tim- he loved and took interest in all the kids and young adults in his life. He spoke of his cousin, Rachel, quite often- and he was so proud of her dance ability. He would send me videos of her all the time at work, and every time I would watch So You Think You Can Dance, he would comment on how much better she was than the dancers on the show. He took a real interest in Hannah, and was so proud of her for winning at Loretta Lynn's last year- he beamed with pride when he heard the news. I only hope that he's watching over all them now, guiding their decisions, boasting about their accomplishments.

The first 4 lines of "All At Once" basically sum up my last year. The world can be very overwhelming to me at times, and sometimes there is nothing anyone can say or do that will ease my mind, or my pain. Without Tim, the world is different to me. The world isn't as bright, or funny. The world isn't as lovely, or beautiful. The world isn't as simple. 

All At Once- Jack Johnson

All at once, 
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothing that you could tell me
That could ease my mind

Which way will you run
When it's always all around you
And the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin' that we have no control

Around the sun
Some say it's going to be the new hell
Some say it's still too early to tell
Some say it really ain't no myth at all

We keep asking ourselves
Are we really strong enough?
There's so many things
That we got too proud of
We're too proud of
We're too proud of

I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
And instead we'll plant some seeds
We'll watch them as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches, well they reach for what?

Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There's this heart all alone
What about when it's gone?
It really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all

There's a world we've never seen
There's still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all could blow away
With a breeze
But if your waiting on the wind
Don't forget to breathe
Because as the darkness gets deeper
We're sinkin' as we reach for love

At least something we can hold
But I'll reach to you
From where time just can't go
What about when it's gone?
It really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1Qf912W_JM

Swimming.

"Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower..."

I love living in San Diego. I love the people that I have met and have become close to. I love the sunshine and the breeze. I love my job and the people that I work with. I love the endless possibilities to fill my time. I love the active lifestyle and the healthy choices. Just take out that piece of me that aches and cries and misses Tim, and I have a damn near perfect life out here. So to speak .

I was scared to move out here, and not for the reasons you immediately think of. I wasn't scared about Tim's diagnosis, or how hard it might be for us. I wasn't scared to move in with him when we had really only ever technically spent a few days together max. I wasn't scared to find a new job. I was scared to meet people- to make friends. I was scared that people here wouldn't be nice, or that I wouldn't fit in. I was scared I wouldn't have anyone to talk to or go to dinner with, or that people wouldn't want to help me deal and cope with my home life. What I found out here was the complete opposite. I have found the most wonderful group of people- people that are genuine, and kind, and have helped me shine in a way that I never thought possible during such a dark period in my life. They have offered more to me than I will ever be able to repay. I feel like I've known these people much longer than a year and a few months, and they have quickly become my home-away-from-home, and though there's nothing more comforting that curling up on Mom's couch, with a glass of wine, a blanket, and a movie, and being around the people that have known you the longest, these amazing people out here have given me the comfort, laughter and love that I needed.

I really love this song, "Swimming", by Florence and the Machine. When I hear songs that remind me of Tim, and our life together (and there are so many, as our life was set to a soundtrack), I can't help but feel heavy, sad, angry. I remember being so happy to hear those songs (especially Transatlanticism, which I still cannot listen to without having an epic meltdown), and now they make my heart sink. One day at a time, I will be able to listen to these songs with joy, but now I just feel so lonely listening to them. I get pains of loneliness often, and they aren't painful because I feel lonely, but rather I'm lonely without Tim here. There's a difference. I'm always surrounded by people, and we're always laughing and having a good time, but my heart is never full. My heart is always lonely and aches for Tim, and nothing else. Though, so good cuddle time with the Sophs can definitely help.

Tomorrow is Tim's birthday. Give a little shout out to him if you have a free moment. Drink a crown and ginger ale, or just a ginger ale and toast to him. Karlene and I have a good day planned, and I know he will be there with us.

Happy 33rd birthday, ya Bear.

 

 

Swimming- Florence and the Machine

 

Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started to sink
Dragged further away from the shore
And deeper into the drink

Sat on the bottom of the ocean,
A stern and stubborn rock
Cause your songs remind me of swimming,
But somehow I forgot

I was sinking, but now I'm sunk
And I was drinking, and now I'm drunk
Your songs remind me of swimming
But somehow I forgot

I tried to remember the chorus
I can't remember the verse
Cause that song that sent me swimming
Is now the life jacket that burst

Rotting like a wreck on the ocean floor
Sinking like a siren that can't swim anymore
Your songs remind me of swimming
But I can't swim any more

Pull me out the water, cold and blue
I open my eyes, see that it's you
So I dive straight back in the ocean
So I dive straight back in the ocean

Take a deep breath, suck the water in my chest
Take a deep breath, suck the water in my chest
And cross my fingers, and hope for the best

Then all of a sudden, I heard a note
It started in my chest and ended in my throat
Then I realized, then I realized, then I realized
I was swimming,
Yes, I was swimming
And now I'm swimming
Yes, I am swimming

Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started to sink
Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started to sink
Oh, your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started . . .
Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when i started . . .
to sink.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2pSFd-K4uU



Romeo and Juliet.

"Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale..."

Tim always griped that our story wasn't a "fairy tale" story. That we didn't meet in some enchanted way- like it was raining, and he just happened to run in to me with an umbrella and we fell in love at first sight. Or I was a damsel in distress and he was the Prince Charming that came and saved me. He was serious about this. This was his romantic side coming out- wishing that we had met in some fairy tale way. It bothered me a little bit, because I actually found our story to be a little funny and cute. It was very Rom-Com- we hated each other, then realized we loved each other, then found our version of happily ever after. I think he also thought it was funny- but he loved giving me a hard time about things, so he would bring this up every now and again. I miss him giving me a hard time. He would be such a little smart ass, then I would act like I was mad, and storm off to the bedroom. Then he would run in and jump on the bed and tickle me until I got mad because he was tickling me too much.

I think of things in "Before Tim died" and "After Tim died" now. Like a weird B.C. and A.C version of my own life. I don't even realize that I think that way until afterward. I'll run a report at work that focuses on April-June, and think "Tim was alive during this time period". Or see that I need to change the oil in my car and think, "Last time I did this, Tim was alive and with me when I got my oil changed." Or see Jeopardy playing at the gym, and feel like it was an alternate reality where I watched that show every day with Tim. I wish my mind wouldn't think this way because then I start that glazed-over look, and take a walk down memory lane in my mind. A Tim montage of memories- photographs I have taken with my mind. I wonder if people find it weird that I still talk about him all the time. I mention him on a daily basis. I can't tell if this makes people uncomfortable or not. The truth is, I still think about him all day, every day, almost every minute. To me, it doesn't seem weird to speak out loud about him because he's always on my mind. He's still very much present to me.

The blog this week seems kind of somber, but I've been kind of somber lately. I've just been really sad. I even started crying before my spin class last week- totally unannounced and random. I don't think people noticed, mostly because I ran to the bathroom and told myself to get it together. Most days I'm "ok", but lately I've just really been missing him.

Yesterday was World Cancer Day. February 13th would be Tim's 33rd birthday. On February 14th, Tim will have been gone from this world for 6 months.
6 months.
Let's celebrate and fight through this month in every way possible. Let's celebrate that we are alive and healthy. Let's continue Tim's fight through our education, donations, and support. Let's celebrate the loved ones that are in our lives every day. Let's remember, mourn, and celebrate the lives of the ones we have lost. Let February be a month that you give just a little bit more than you usually do. That you love a little bit harder. That you smile a little bit bigger and cry a little bit harder. That you fight a little bit more for what you believe in.
Happy February.

Romeo and Juliet- The Killers (Dire Straits cover)

A lovestruck Romeo, sings the streets of serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Find a streetlight, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me, babe, how about it?"

Juliet says, "Hey, it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing
Hey, la, my boyfriend's back"
You shouldn't come around here, singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it?

Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget, I forget the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame
Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same
And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well, you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin
Now you just say, "Oh, Romeo, yeah, you know
I used to have a scene with him"

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
I said, "I love you like the stars above, "I love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you
Can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, the bad company
And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time

Juliet, when we made love, you used to cry
You said, "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?

A lovestruck Romeo, he sings the streets of serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Find a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade
He says something like, "You and me, babe, how about it?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87cLyBR1JTo