Swimming.

"Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower..."

I love living in San Diego. I love the people that I have met and have become close to. I love the sunshine and the breeze. I love my job and the people that I work with. I love the endless possibilities to fill my time. I love the active lifestyle and the healthy choices. Just take out that piece of me that aches and cries and misses Tim, and I have a damn near perfect life out here. So to speak .

I was scared to move out here, and not for the reasons you immediately think of. I wasn't scared about Tim's diagnosis, or how hard it might be for us. I wasn't scared to move in with him when we had really only ever technically spent a few days together max. I wasn't scared to find a new job. I was scared to meet people- to make friends. I was scared that people here wouldn't be nice, or that I wouldn't fit in. I was scared I wouldn't have anyone to talk to or go to dinner with, or that people wouldn't want to help me deal and cope with my home life. What I found out here was the complete opposite. I have found the most wonderful group of people- people that are genuine, and kind, and have helped me shine in a way that I never thought possible during such a dark period in my life. They have offered more to me than I will ever be able to repay. I feel like I've known these people much longer than a year and a few months, and they have quickly become my home-away-from-home, and though there's nothing more comforting that curling up on Mom's couch, with a glass of wine, a blanket, and a movie, and being around the people that have known you the longest, these amazing people out here have given me the comfort, laughter and love that I needed.

I really love this song, "Swimming", by Florence and the Machine. When I hear songs that remind me of Tim, and our life together (and there are so many, as our life was set to a soundtrack), I can't help but feel heavy, sad, angry. I remember being so happy to hear those songs (especially Transatlanticism, which I still cannot listen to without having an epic meltdown), and now they make my heart sink. One day at a time, I will be able to listen to these songs with joy, but now I just feel so lonely listening to them. I get pains of loneliness often, and they aren't painful because I feel lonely, but rather I'm lonely without Tim here. There's a difference. I'm always surrounded by people, and we're always laughing and having a good time, but my heart is never full. My heart is always lonely and aches for Tim, and nothing else. Though, so good cuddle time with the Sophs can definitely help.

Tomorrow is Tim's birthday. Give a little shout out to him if you have a free moment. Drink a crown and ginger ale, or just a ginger ale and toast to him. Karlene and I have a good day planned, and I know he will be there with us.

Happy 33rd birthday, ya Bear.

 

 

Swimming- Florence and the Machine

 

Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started to sink
Dragged further away from the shore
And deeper into the drink

Sat on the bottom of the ocean,
A stern and stubborn rock
Cause your songs remind me of swimming,
But somehow I forgot

I was sinking, but now I'm sunk
And I was drinking, and now I'm drunk
Your songs remind me of swimming
But somehow I forgot

I tried to remember the chorus
I can't remember the verse
Cause that song that sent me swimming
Is now the life jacket that burst

Rotting like a wreck on the ocean floor
Sinking like a siren that can't swim anymore
Your songs remind me of swimming
But I can't swim any more

Pull me out the water, cold and blue
I open my eyes, see that it's you
So I dive straight back in the ocean
So I dive straight back in the ocean

Take a deep breath, suck the water in my chest
Take a deep breath, suck the water in my chest
And cross my fingers, and hope for the best

Then all of a sudden, I heard a note
It started in my chest and ended in my throat
Then I realized, then I realized, then I realized
I was swimming,
Yes, I was swimming
And now I'm swimming
Yes, I am swimming

Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started to sink
Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started to sink
Oh, your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when I started . . .
Your songs remind me of swimming
Which I forgot when i started . . .
to sink.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2pSFd-K4uU