All At Once.

"There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love..."

The difference and learning from last Thursday and Friday was that it's much easier for me to celebrate Tim's birth, than to face his death. Celebrating Tim's birthday was a nice day for me- we did a bunch of things around the city that Tim and I probably would have done- go to breakfast at The Original Pancake House, go to the zoo, get cupcakes, go to the dog beach, go to dinner. Laugh, smile, breathe. Friday rolled around as the 6 month anniversary of his death, and I was in a much sour mood than the day before. Friday was not a celebratory day- I couldn't smile and fake my way through it. I had mood swings about every hour, and I just let them pass through as they needed to. I cried on the way to work, during work, on the way home from work. But Thursday was a good day. It was a day to remember Tim, how he affected us in different ways, how he made our lives better and more comedic, how he changed our perspectives on things and challenged us. It was a day to celebrate that he was in our lives, for however long he was able to, and we are better for it. We are changed for it. And that's something to celebrate.

Sarabeth surprised me on his birthday with a bear that she made (with the help of the precious pups Bailey and Sophie). It was a TimStrong Bear- a bear with Tim's style, right down to the hoody and ray-ban sunglasses. It was seriously amazing. She told me that she had been thinking about making it for awhile, but didn't know if she should or not. Then the night before Tim's birthday, she woke up in the middle of the night, and she saw him standing in her room- standing next to her dresser, in a baseball hat, dressed in white. She blinked, and he was gone, but she knew it was him. She told me she wasn't scared to see him, and it was only the second time she had ever experienced anything like it, but she knew that he was here, watching over me, making sure that I was ok. It was the most reassuring and emotional part of that day for me. I'm so glad that he's here.

I went to Logan's birthday party this Sunday, and it really hit me how Tim is not here to see him and Baby V grow up. Or here to read stories to Soraya and Ellison. Or here to see how cute Jude looks in his new Nikes I bought him (so cute. ridiculously cute). That's one thing that I really, really loved about Tim- he loved and took interest in all the kids and young adults in his life. He spoke of his cousin, Rachel, quite often- and he was so proud of her dance ability. He would send me videos of her all the time at work, and every time I would watch So You Think You Can Dance, he would comment on how much better she was than the dancers on the show. He took a real interest in Hannah, and was so proud of her for winning at Loretta Lynn's last year- he beamed with pride when he heard the news. I only hope that he's watching over all them now, guiding their decisions, boasting about their accomplishments.

The first 4 lines of "All At Once" basically sum up my last year. The world can be very overwhelming to me at times, and sometimes there is nothing anyone can say or do that will ease my mind, or my pain. Without Tim, the world is different to me. The world isn't as bright, or funny. The world isn't as lovely, or beautiful. The world isn't as simple. 

All At Once- Jack Johnson

All at once, 
The world can overwhelm me
There's almost nothing that you could tell me
That could ease my mind

Which way will you run
When it's always all around you
And the feelin' lost and found you again
A feelin' that we have no control

Around the sun
Some say it's going to be the new hell
Some say it's still too early to tell
Some say it really ain't no myth at all

We keep asking ourselves
Are we really strong enough?
There's so many things
That we got too proud of
We're too proud of
We're too proud of

I wanna take the preconceived
Out from underneath your feet
We could shake it off
And instead we'll plant some seeds
We'll watch them as they grow
And with each new beat
From your heart the roots grow deeper
The branches, well they reach for what?

Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There's this heart all alone
What about when it's gone?
It really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all

There's a world we've never seen
There's still hope between the dreams
The weight of it all could blow away
With a breeze
But if your waiting on the wind
Don't forget to breathe
Because as the darkness gets deeper
We're sinkin' as we reach for love

At least something we can hold
But I'll reach to you
From where time just can't go
What about when it's gone?
It really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1Qf912W_JM