During Shavasana in my yoga practice on Sunday, I pictured myself floating in the ocean. Quietly. Serenely. The warmth of the sun on my body. The salty air filling my lungs. It's a place I can escape to where there is no Tim, no memories, no friends, no family, just me. No one can touch me there. No one can interrupt the blissful wind, or the sound of the water, or my breath flowing in and out. I can't be hurt, or sad, or angry there.
But then, I have to open my eyes, and return to reality.
I have felt sort of lost lately, wondering aimlessly around week after week with no real sense of urgency or purpose. I feel like since Tim is gone, I haven't really had much to look forward to in my daily routine. I miss watching Jeopardy. I miss cooking him dinner. I miss coming home, opening the door, and seeing his face. I miss his texts. I miss his emails. I felt so centered, so peaceful, when he was around. I could be me, he could be him. Sometimes I wonder if we should have been more crazy, more urgent, in trying to find him alternatives to the chemo. Sometimes I feel like if I hadn't been so damn adamant that he was going to live, that we would have tried harder to find the best of the best of the best. I still truly can't comprehend his absence from this world, and mostly because I'm fighting it. If he is gone, then I failed him.
I have been taking some of that leftover energy and investing it more in myself. Training sessions with Sherry every week have made me feel more physically and mentally strong. She's going to help me get where I need to be for when I turn the big 3-0 in May. I think helping myself get stronger is a good way to focus some of that lost feeling, some of the loneliness, and some of the anger.
Tim and I saw The Naked and Famous in concert together in Columbus, and we were actually disappointed in the show. We were so pumped for the concert- Tim flew in for it because we had both been listening to their album and loved it, and the show was $5. I remember them playing really quietly. It was odd. And they had no stage presence. I still like the band, but I will say their first show was not what we were expecting. I heard "I Kill Giants" the other day at work and almost couldn't hold it together. I'm pretty good at silently crying at work, tears falling on my desk, and I just continue to "work". I'm pretty sure no one notices. The lyrics punched through my heart and made it hard to breathe. Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom to get myself together- pace back and forth in the handicap stall and wait for my brain to start functioning again. I don't know if this will ever go away. I did hear "West Coast" in the car on the way back from Santa Ynez this weekend (visits up there are priceless to me), and I smiled and started belting it out. I got about 3/4 of the way through before I started crying through the singing. That're progress considering I can't even listen in the first 8 notes of "Transatlanticism" without losing my mind.
"I Kill Giants"- The Naked and Famous
But then, I have to open my eyes, and return to reality.
I have felt sort of lost lately, wondering aimlessly around week after week with no real sense of urgency or purpose. I feel like since Tim is gone, I haven't really had much to look forward to in my daily routine. I miss watching Jeopardy. I miss cooking him dinner. I miss coming home, opening the door, and seeing his face. I miss his texts. I miss his emails. I felt so centered, so peaceful, when he was around. I could be me, he could be him. Sometimes I wonder if we should have been more crazy, more urgent, in trying to find him alternatives to the chemo. Sometimes I feel like if I hadn't been so damn adamant that he was going to live, that we would have tried harder to find the best of the best of the best. I still truly can't comprehend his absence from this world, and mostly because I'm fighting it. If he is gone, then I failed him.
I have been taking some of that leftover energy and investing it more in myself. Training sessions with Sherry every week have made me feel more physically and mentally strong. She's going to help me get where I need to be for when I turn the big 3-0 in May. I think helping myself get stronger is a good way to focus some of that lost feeling, some of the loneliness, and some of the anger.
Tim and I saw The Naked and Famous in concert together in Columbus, and we were actually disappointed in the show. We were so pumped for the concert- Tim flew in for it because we had both been listening to their album and loved it, and the show was $5. I remember them playing really quietly. It was odd. And they had no stage presence. I still like the band, but I will say their first show was not what we were expecting. I heard "I Kill Giants" the other day at work and almost couldn't hold it together. I'm pretty good at silently crying at work, tears falling on my desk, and I just continue to "work". I'm pretty sure no one notices. The lyrics punched through my heart and made it hard to breathe. Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom to get myself together- pace back and forth in the handicap stall and wait for my brain to start functioning again. I don't know if this will ever go away. I did hear "West Coast" in the car on the way back from Santa Ynez this weekend (visits up there are priceless to me), and I smiled and started belting it out. I got about 3/4 of the way through before I started crying through the singing. That're progress considering I can't even listen in the first 8 notes of "Transatlanticism" without losing my mind.
"I Kill Giants"- The Naked and Famous
the end of june came
and took you away
we were all crying
felt like i was dying
and took you away
we were all crying
felt like i was dying
black dress & black shoes
tied laces for you
the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?
tied laces for you
the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?
inside my head
at the edge of the bed
where somberness lay
in your children that day
as goodbyes are spent
holding on to what's left
the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?
at the edge of the bed
where somberness lay
in your children that day
as goodbyes are spent
holding on to what's left
the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?
nothing but ashes
in the old fire place
with all of the memories
he has erased
heavier heels
his mourning concealed
on the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?
in the old fire place
with all of the memories
he has erased
heavier heels
his mourning concealed
on the saddest of days
why couldn't we save you?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1I56yYHxP2k
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