Sleeping To Dream.

"The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we'd done were less real and important than they had been hours before..."

After the happiness and hustle of my birthday finally died down, life started to settle again. And when life settles, and I don't have a million things to do, or a million people to talk to, I can feel that hole in my heart where Tim's life used to be. I had a rough week last week. I should have written about it, but I wasn't in the mood. I was on the brink of tears for 5 days straight- I was emotional, fragile, sensitive to everything. I was crying at every television show, commercial, song, and movie preview. I was petrified my roommate was going to come home and find me sobbing on the couch after the season finale of The Vampire Diaries (which Tim graciously nicknamed The Vagina Diaries). I was a mess last week. I missed Tim uncontrollably. When I get angry and sad at the same time, I always yell out the same thing- "Why did you leave me here?!" I'm well aware he didn't leave me here by choice. But even surrounded by a million people can make me feel so alone.

I sometimes fear that I will be alone in this world and that no one will want to date the girl with the montage of her dead boyfriend on her wall. No one will want to date the girl that can't let go of the past and holds tightly to its wonderful memories. No one will want to date the girl that listens for their heartbeat at night because that's the way she knows they are alive. No one will want to date the girl that cringes when she sees pill bottles and Fruit Punch Gatorade. I can only hope that the universe, and Tim, will send me someone that will see the girl that Tim did. The girl that fights for him. The girl that stands by his side. The girl that never gives up hope, never gives up on love, and never stops seeing the light.

I just feel like our memories are slowly slipping away and I'm grasping so hard to keep them here. I'm the only one left of the two of us that can remember that we did indeed share these moments- that we lived in this little one bedroom apartment, that I came home to him every day and curled up in his arms, that we took little adventures, that I cooked meals every night. Moments are starting to blur and I'm trying to do anything I can to stop it. I only wish that when I sleep, I could revisit these memories. Or at least his face. Just to say hi. And to remember what it felt like to be loved by him.

Sleeping To Dream- Jason Mraz

I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you and feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
And they all fall down.

And I lay me down tonight
I close my eyes
What a beautiful sight

[Chorus:]
Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so damn tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired

I found myself in the riches
Your eyes, your lips, your hair well you were everywhere out there
But I woke up in the ditches, I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere (you were nowhere)
Well You were nowhere

And as I lay me back to sleep
Lord I pray that I can keep

[Repeat Chorus]

It's just a little a lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night
Oh just a lullabye to keep from crying myself to sleep
Oh just a, just oh, just a little lullabye,

Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
And I'm so tired

[Repeat Chorus]

Well I'm so, I'm tired
I'm falling, I'm so tired, I'm so tired

Sleeping To Dream