Companions.

This week has been a hard week. And every day gets harder, not easier.
I went back to work last week, and have been trying to get back into a "routine", however, this makes my life much harder as Tim was a huge part of my routine and my life. We were partners. Friends. Companions. We did everything together. I used to even tell him to hang out with his friends on his own, and this is how our conversation would go:
Me: You know, you can have dinner with (X) tonight, just the two of you if you want.
Tim: Why? You don't want to hang out with my friends?
Me: No, that's not what I said. I just mean that I won't be offended if you want to just have a man dinner, just the two of you.
Tim: I don't understand. Why don't you want to come?
Me: I'm not saying I don't want to come, I'm just saying I wouldn't be mad at you if you wanted some bro time.
Tim: I don't understand.
Me: Nevermind. Let's go.  

See? Always together. :)
I start to see and feel that he is, in fact, not here. His soap in the shower. His contacts on the bathroom counter. His half-empty ginger ale in the fridge. I leave these things as if he's coming back, because I can't bear to do anything with them. I fear that I will be holding on to his toothbrush for like 50 years.
My life feels completely lonely without him. I am surrounded by people on a daily basis, and I'm still lonely. The kind of lonely that sucks the breath out of your body. The kind of lonely that squeezes your heart until it hurts when you think of him in vivid memories. The kind of lonely that makes you start crying on the phone to cable man. The kind of lonely where you turn to tell him something funny, and he's not there, and then you cry. My companion is gone.
At least I have this companion. Meet Tim's other love:

 

 

This is Sophie. For those of you who know her, she's amazing. For those of you that don't, that sucks for you, because she's amazing. Tim's favorite thing to do with Sophie was go to the beach- Sophie LOVES the water. I mean LOVES.

 

Tim and I never even went to the "people" beach here. We only went to the dog beach. Every dog beach around here, we went to. Our favorites were Fiesta Island, Coronado, and Del Mar. The three of us were so happy at the beach- you can't help but smile at that little pup face. Tim's friend Pat came down this past weekend and we took Sophie to the beach- the first time since Tim passed. She loved it, of course, but let's face it, Pat and I are no match for Tim's fierce throwing arm. I have no idea how he did it, but he always threw it sooooo far. I need a slingshot to even compete with it.

When I came out to visit Tim for the first time, one of the things we did was take Sophie to the beach. This was not an easy feat, since we were staying in Anaheim, and he lived in Rialto. So we drove from Anaheim to Rialto, picked up Sophie, drove her back to LA to hit one of the beaches, then drove her back to Rialto, then drove back to Anaheim. I felt a little honored that he wanted to go through all that trouble to let me in on their time together at the beach.

One of the times that Tim was in chemo, he wrote the lyrics to this song on my Facebook wall. It became our song, and also a saying when times were a little tough. I would say to him, "It's always better when we're together". And it was. When I was with Tim, everything was good. It was grand. It was wonderful. It was funny. It was everything to me. I miss my "better together" partner. This world was better because of each other.

Jack Johnson- Better Together

 

There is no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing, but I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

Yeah, it's always better when we're together
Mmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

Mmm, mmm, mmm

I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together.