Shadow of Love.

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."

This week, an event happened that I was dreading- the first of 3 concerts that Tim and I bought tickets to was scheduled for Friday night. What made it even more dreadful was that he bought the tickets for my birthday, and the concert was originally scheduled for May 17th, and they pushed it back to September. Tim and I should have enjoyed this concert together. Carly seriously summed it up when she said our lives together was like a songbook. Tim and I LOVED music- we loved listening to it, sharing it, enjoying it, just being in the moment with a particular song. I think that's what makes it so damn hard to listen to "our" music. Every song brings back a memory, a thought, a smile, a peaceful state of mind. Thankfully, I was joined by two beautiful friends that enjoy music as much as I do- Pat and Gail. I asked Pat to take Tim's ticket because I knew that he was the one person that would thoroughly enjoy the concert, remember Tim with me, and just think back on the good times rather than harp on the sad. I only cried one time, and that's because Jared Leto, in all his Jesus glory, decided to cover Rihanna's "Stay", a song that I have been particularly avoiding since Tim passed away. Of course, in a place that I cannot hit the Skip button, out comes a haunting song that I must listen to in entirety and have a silent river of tears stream down my face. Despite this beautiful song, we had a great time, and in reality, I was transported back to late middle school, early high school days with Blink 182, The Offspring, and Jimmy Eat World. It was nostalgic, and it made me grin and remember those innocent days.

 

 

 

I took Gail to the cemetery when she was here, and afterward I thought to myself, Did she ever imagine that when we met Freshman year of college, this is where we would be standing? In the graveyard with her best friend as she mourned the love of her life at 29 years old? As she placed flowers on his grave and cried in her arms, that this was something we would experience so young? I say this to myself every day, but this is not the way I imagined my life would be here. I know Tim told me time and time again that I needed to prepare myself for this, but I refused. You cannot fight with everything you have, everything in your heart and soul, everything in your mind and body, and also prepare for this. I am not supposed to know how these things work before I'm 30- I shouldn't know how to pick out a casket, prepare a funeral, take over an estate, know the inner-workings of a hospital, and be tragically exhausted. But for him, I would do anything. I wanted to make sure that everything was right by him- that he would like the color of the casket, the clothes he was buried in, the pictures people saw, the essence of him that was embodied in that funeral home.

I get angry every day for 3 reasons- One, I get angry for the life that was taken from him. The things he didn't get to do. The places he didn't get to see. The people he didn't get to meet. Two, I get angry for us- the things that we didn't get to do, the places that we didn't get to see, the people that we didn't get to meet together. Three- I get angry for me- why am I to suffer this? Why was my love taken from me? Why am I not allowed to be happy forever with the one person I want to be happy with? These angers seep together into a collected pool of combined anger, and make me flat-out bitter. And if you're unfortunate enough to push my buttons on a given bitter day (usually a random bystander), then that poor soul is in for a real treat. Something was taken from me that hurts my stomach, my heart, and my mind- something that people are taking for granted on a day to day basis. If you are learning anything from this blog, I hope it's that you will not take for granted your relationships, your love, or yourself. I hope you realize how lucky and blessed you are to have these things in your life. If it wasn't for my family and friends, and Tim's family and friends, who are now my own, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in a really bad place. A really bad place. Dragging everyone down with me. To be surrounded by so much love, light, peace, and comfort has been a blessing. To be honest, I will never be able to thank them enough. Ever. Never Ever.

 

 

 

Tim and I went to the She And Him concert in June, and I chose their song, "Shadow of Love" for this entry. We had a pretty mellow time, and to be honest, I think Tim was really just hoping that Zooey Deschanel would pick him out of the crowd and they would run away together :) In all fairness, I told him that if that were to happen, I would be OK with it, as long as she introduced me to Ben Gibbard and Zooey and I became best friends. He agreed to this. Like I said, it didn't matter what concert we went to, or where we were, we always had an epic time together. Because we were together. That's all that mattered.

 

Shadow of Love- She And Him

 

You and I
We built a shadow of love

 

You and I
We built a shadow of love in our hearts where the future should be

 

There's no tomorrow to set me free

 

You and I
We told a story of love

 

You and I
We told a story of love from our hearts, but it never came true

 

There's no tomorrow for me and you

 

We were so young,
We should have known
Love's as brittle as a broken bone

 

We couldn't see around the bend
We spround the yard, without an end,
Without an end.

 

Time goes by
It's only shades of grey

 

Time goes by,
It's only shades of grey in my heart where the colors should be

 

There's no tomorrow to set us free.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyXkhsICidg