Xerces.

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures..."

3 events happened this week that Tim was supposed to be a part of.
Seeing Rush the movie.
Visiting the Cabrillo National Monument.
Rocking out at the Vampire Weekend concert.
Tim had been waiting at least a year for Rush the movie to be released. First, Ron Howard is his second favorite director (after Wes Anderson of course); Second, Formula One is his absolute favorite thing to watch; Third, even though it's not a documentary, Tim loved movies based on true stories (Senna was one of the first documentaries we watched together). I knew I would be seeing this movie the weekend it was released, and thankfully I was joined by three amazing friends that made me feel like Tim was there with us. Laughing with us. Watching the movie with us. Saying smart-ass things about the weird people we witnessed at the TGI Fridays bar with us. When I get together with any of Tim's friends or family, I feel... content? Relaxed? Happy? I can't explain it or have a word for it. Being surrounded by people that Tim thought of as good friends, people that he loved and cared for, people that he respected, puts me at ease. We left an open seat for Tim in our row at the movies. When the movie started, I felt like the air was being sucked out of the room because instead of sitting next to him, either leaning arm to arm, holding hands, or legs twisted together like a pretzel (our 3 favorite movie positions), I was sitting next to an empty seat. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was alone in that theatre and I would never be seeing a movie with him again. That emptiness that I constantly feel inside was on overdrive, and I almost felt like I could lose it. But I calmed down, enjoyed the movie, made mental notes to Wikipedia some things, and talked to Tim in my head about things that were going on.

You have to understand my attachment and commitment to film and the love that I have for it to understand why being in a movie theatre without Tim was heart wrenching. Most people wouldn't react in this way to just seeing a movie, but movies to me are much more than an overpriced night out. They are an escape, a storybook- creating emotions, and showing an artistic expression. Tim shared this love for certain movies- smart, artistic, creative movies- and seeing something on the screen come to life that he had been waiting for took the breath from my lungs. The weekend that I met Tim, we went on our first date together and saw Scream 4. I have had this small obsession with the original Scream movie since it first came out because it was funny, smart, and scary- something we had never seen in a horror film before. When they came out with this final installment, Tim quickly chimed in, "I'll take you to see it! How about Sunday night?" I gladly accepted. The movie was horrible, but I didn't care. I was sitting next to him, butterflies in stomach, smile on face. It was worth it.
Saturday, I went to the Cabrillo National Monument with 2 people in San Diego that I absolutely and completely adore- Meghan and her husband Luke. Meghan and Luke are the kind of people that are sincere, understanding, loving, helpful, and just all-around GOOD people. Not to mention one of the most ridiculously funny and cute couples that I know to date. People come in to your lives for a reason, and Meghan and Luke came in to my life to bring me laughter again. Smiles again. Tim had been wanting to visit the Cabrillo National Monument for some time, and when the two of us went, it had closed at 5:00 and we were 20 minutes late. So we walked around the Fort Rosecrans cemetery, which is the most beautiful cemetery I have ever seen, and some real heroes are buried there. Tim did get to go back and visit the Monument weeks later, but I really wish we would have discovered it together.

Lastly, the second of 3 concerts had arrived that Tim and I had previously bought tickets to. I took a good friend from work- someone that I knew would make me laugh, shoulder dance with me, and enjoy the music. Though Katie had never met Tim, she has been so supportive and doesn't shy away when I talk about him- instead, she asks questions and listens to the stories that I have to tell.

Though I have been keeping myself busy, I can't ever shake the feeling of walking around this world as a shell of someone that I used to be. Little moments peak out- a laugh here, a smile there, a joke- and then I remember the reality that I'm in and my heart sinks. I'm constantly feeling as if half of me is gone, because it is. My other half isn't there to text me funny things during the day, he isn't there to answer my absurd and sometimes dumb questions, he isn't here to kiss me goodnight, he isn't here to laugh at Parks and Rec with me- he just isn't here. I know that I tell people that my days are "good", but in reality, they aren't ever good. They can be OK. But never good. Because a "good" day would mean that Tim was alive. A good day would be a day that I could kiss him again. A good day would just be a day where we curled up on the couch and watched Jeopardy (yes, I know we were like an old couple). You always wish for one more day, one more moment, one more minute, one more second, with the person you love when they're gone. But you don't get it. And you're stuck living your life as the shell of your former life.

I chose this Deftones song for this week's entry because for Deftones was Tim's FAVORITE band of all time. I have to at least put 5 songs of theirs in this blog for him, or he will yell at me from up above. The first concert that I saw in San Diego was Deftones with Tim. His mom bought us tickets, and we had such a great time. I think he had just had chemo that Friday, and the concert was Sunday, but in typical Tim fashion, pushed through it and enjoyed himself. We never let cancer run our lives. You can't. You have to tell it to f*** off and that you want to enjoy your life, no matter how long you have left. And that's what we did. F*** off cancer- you're the worst.

Xerces- Deftones

Universe surrounds,
When you're ready
It waits for us to leave this earth
Come on,
They're calling the name out
I don't know I could stay or leave
Either way
Cause the comet can take us all the way through
Goodbye
Safe, heaven, new
I'll be waving, goodbye
Return to see everything looks the same
I don't know if the change made was grave
Cause the craving remains the same
Goodbye
Safe, heaven, new
I'll be waving, goodbye
I'll be waving,
Goodbye...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEcv1q0gyMQ