Banana Pancakes.

"It's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years..."

Sundays used to be my favorite day. Tim and I rarely made plans on Sunday- our plans were to be lazy human beings. Sleep in. Cook pancakes. Watch movies. Nap. Take Sophie to the beach. Sundays used to be amazing. Now, my Sundays consist of a consistent cycle of dog beach, yoga, and visiting the cemetery.
After my weekly visit this past Sunday, I was very excited to see Tim's headstone had finally arrived. No, I never ever thought I would be "happy" to see a tombstone. It's very depressing and weird to be excited for a tombstone. It means that Tim has been gone long enough to have a headstone. It means that it's real that he's gone. I just stared at his name for a long time and thought, "Huh? How is this real? Why is this real? How did we get here?" However, I'm happy that I no longer have to look at a green plastic marker in the ground, and the flowers that we leave him have a home now. Now, he just needs some grass, and I picture myself reading there on Sunday mornings, coffee in hand, acting like it was a lazy Sunday with just the two of us curled up on the couch.

 

 

I had a dream this past weekend that I was laying in bed, on my side, and someone wrapped their arms around me and grabbed my hand. It felt so real. I can't stop thinking about it. I knew exactly whose hands they were, but I still asked out in my dream, "Tim? Is that you?" There wasn't an answer, but I would know his touch anywhere. I know the way our hands fit together. I know the exact strength of his hands and how strong they used to hold my hands. I know the feelings of how our fingers interlaced. They were his hands holding mine, and I knew he was there with me for that fleeting moment. I still feel his touch, days later. I had this dream the morning after spending the day at Disneyland with one of my best friends in the world, Sara. It was like Tim was telling me that he was there with us that day, but he didn't need to tell me that because I knew that he was. I laughed a little bit harder that day. Smiled a little bit bigger that day. I knew that he was living through me that day and enjoying himself. I missed him so much this weekend, but I was in such good hands with Sara being here. He knew that I have always found so much love and comfort in my friendship with Sara, and I feel like he was so happy that I had a fun day. The reassuring squeeze of my hand was all that I needed to know it was OK to laugh every once in awhile.

 

 

It was nice to be happy for a day. Lately, I've been picturing myself as happy. Like, what will I look like when I'm happy again? Will I ever be truly happy again? When will my heart stop hurting, and when will I feel like a whole person again? When will my stomach stop feeling like someone punched it, and when will I breathe normally again? Saturday was a glimpse of that, though I seriously missed Tim dearly that day. I pointed out every little thing to Sara about when Tim and I were there together. Also, the hat montage picture was an ode to him and Pat trying on funny hats when they went to Disney.

 

 

Both Melissa and Krista have told me this week how much they miss their friend. I miss my friend too. I miss being able to tell him funny or absurd things that happened to me throughout the day. Or complaining to him. Or laughing with him. I miss his smart-ass remarks and his laugh. He had such a great laugh. I miss him mocking me and screaming out, "Bear!" when I got walked through the door. This week, I walked through the door and just blurted out "Bear Bear!" because it was bottled up in the pit of my stomach and needed to escape. Obviously, no answer. I did get some nice kisses from Sophie that made me feel better for a second, though. I just flat out miss his presence in my world. Even when Tim and I were dating long distance, he was still present in my every day life. Text messages. Pictures. Emails. FaceTime. We loved to FaceTime, and we started adding "Time" to the end of everything. RealTime (when we actually got to see each other in person). BearTime (when we cuddled). We just threw "Time" on the end of everything and we knew what we were talking about. I remember 2 days before Tim passed away, we were alone in his hospital room, which was a rare occasion, and he said to me, "Bear- I'm sorry that we haven't had much BearTime lately." I told him that it was OK, and that as soon as he came home, we would have so much BearTime and he could make it up to me. God only knows how much I wish we had our BearTime again.  

Here's a great lazy Sunday pic of us at the beach (after lounging and pancakes of course). I miss Sundays. I miss my BearTime. My RealTime. Hell, even My FaceTime.

 

 

"Banana Pancakes"- Jack Johnson

Can't you see that it's just raining?
Ain't no need to go outside...

But, baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep you
From doing what you're supposed to.
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside

But just maybe, like a ukulele
Momma made a baby
Really don't mind the practice
'cause you're my little lady
Lady, lady, love me
'cause I love to lay here lazy
We could close the curtains
Pretend like there's no world outside

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside

Ain't no need, ain't no need, mmm, mmm,
Can't you see, can't you see?
Rain all day, and I don't mind

But the telephone is singing
Ringing
It's too early
Don't pick it up
We don't need to
We got everything
We need right here
And everything we need is enough
Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?
Wake up slow, mmm mm, wake up slow

But, baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you this
Song is meant to keep ya
From doing what you're supposed to
Waking up too early
Maybe we can sleep in
Make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just raining?
There ain't no need to go outside
Ain't no need, ain't no need
Rain all day, and I really, really, really don't mind
Can't you see, can't you see?
You gotta wake up slow

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Graa_Vm5eA