Stay Young, Go Dancing.

"Much of my life had been devoted to trying not to cry in front of people who loved me, so I knew what Augustus was doing. You clench your teeth. You look up. You tell yourself that if they see you cry, it will hurt them, and you will be nothing but A Sadness in their lives, and you must not become a mere sadness, so you will not cry, and you say all of this to yourself while looking up at the ceiling, and then you swallow even though your throat does not want to close, and you look at the person who loves you and smile..."

"Strong" has become a word used to describe me, and I even sometimes use it to describe myself when I think I'm having a "strong" day. As I've grown-up, gotten older, learned more about the world, I've become stronger. More level-headed. More patient. More kind. More confident. So when I feel a moment of weakness, and my confidence is crushed, and my strength is stripped away momentarily, I feel devastated. I feel so alone. It's more real to me that Tim is gone in these moments because I don't have him to run to. I don't have him to tell me why I matter. Why he chose me. I always felt special with Tim. Let's face it- you had to earn Tim's respect. You had to earn the right for him to like you. For him to call you a friend. For him to give a shit. Somehow I broke through him and he chose me and I felt special because of it. Lately, when my confidence is failing, and my hard exterior is crumbling down, I think about how I was worth something to him. And I think about all the people that are worth something to me. The people that love me unconditionally- will fight for me, will support me, will embrace me, will be my strength when mine falters- and I start to remember who I am, and what I am, and how special I can be. And how strong I can be. They make me feel like I have a place in this world. Or at least, my place will one day soon be found.

I'm turning 30 in a month, and I've been putting a lot of emphasis on having a crazy celebration. I never really like to go all-out for my birthday- and maybe I'm trying to overcompensate for any sadness I will feel on that day (not because of my age, but because Tim isn't here to see it). But I also just want to have fun. And let loose. And remind myself that I'm still alive and my life is just beginning in this city. I'm putting the bubble back together, piece by piece. Tiny piece by tiny piece. And someday soon, I will be whole again. And fully alive again. And maybe 30 is the beginning of that journey for me. I feel healthier than I have ever felt. I'm more confident, and I think that plays into the fact that I've been through some shit these past 2 years. And you can't do anything to me or say anything to me that will hurt me more than watching the man that I'm madly in love with die.

I love this song, "Stay Young, Go Dancing" because it's what I preach every Tuesday and Wednesday night. Dancing is, and always has been, an outlet for me. A creative expression. An emotional punching bag. Rachel and I have danced so hard before during difficult times in our lives, that afterward, we break down and sob. The release is terrifying, yet comforting. Dance has kept both of us sane and grounded. It has kept us healthy in body, mind, and soul. It has made us more confident, created more self-worth, and allowed us to express our feelings in a way that can't be said in words. Sometimes it's anger. Sometimes it's sadness. Sometimes it's joy. I hope everyone has a "dance" in their lives, and if not, you need to find one ASAP. I can't survive without it.

"Stay Young, Go Dancing"- Death Cab For Cutie

Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down

Lost in a maze of a thousand rainy days
Of a thousand rainy days
But when I heard her voice, oh it led me to the end
Yes it led me to the end

Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through autumn's advancing
We'll stay young, go dancing

As the music plays
Feel our bodies' sway
When we move as one
We stay young
(Go dancing)

Life is sweet in the belly of the beast
In the belly of the beast
And with her song in your heart, oh it can never bring you down
It can never bring you down

Cause when she sings I hear a symphony
And I'm swallowed in sound as it echoes through me
I'm renewed, oh how I feel alive and through winter's advancing
We'll stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing
Stay young go dancing


Stay Young, Go Dancing