I've been mildly struggling with this foreign concept called "dating". I've genuinely never really "dated" before. Looking back, I have known all of my boyfriends before we started dating, so there was never that weird first date, or awkward first kiss- it just seemed to flow and continue beyond friendship. I'm scared to jump into this new realm because it's completely unknown to me, and there are so many factors that make me nervous and scared and want to hide under my covers for the rest of my life.
Am I ready? I guess I'll never know unless I try. While I miss Tim tremendously every day, I know that he would never want me to be alone, mourning him for the rest of my life. He would basically tell me that I'm a creep, and that if I never move on, I'll be in my own version of Grey Gardens, which he knows frightens the hell out of me. Honestly, I miss having a male companion- someone to make me feel safe. Protected. Adored.
Has enough time passed? What is the meaning of that anyway? There is no friend, no book, no therapist that can tell you when enough "time" has passed. Time is a tricky thing. One minute I'm completely happy, and the next I'm sobbing on the floor. It's an individual measurement, and I refuse to let anyway tell me otherwise. I still worry about other people's opinions, and my own brain's opinions. Am I disrespecting Tim's memory if I think about moving on? Am I opening up wounds that I've been carefully keeping sealed?
Are my family/friends, and Tim's family/friends ready? I feel like there might be nothing more gut wrenching than introducing a new guy to Tim's friends and family. I'm obviously still very close to them, they are my home away from home. I feel like the guy will have to be pretty damn special for me to even cross that bridge, so there's definitely some time.
How will these new guys react to New Jess? New Jess comes with baggage. She's heartbroken. Angry. Sad. There will be inevitable mood swings for no reason at all. And they will have to accept that Tim's death is part of my life- I will never forget him, I will always talk about him, about us, I will always be continuing his fight. He will also have to accept that I was madly in love with Tim. Truly in love. We didn't get our chance to finish "us". He will have to be patient. And kind. And accepting. Willing to give me space, but not be too far away. So... I'm basically looking for a Superman here.
I have to continue to repeat this mantra in my head- "A life lived in a fear is a life half lived." I cannot fear the unknown. I cannot let opportunities pass me up because I'm scared of rejection. I have to start opening up my heart a tiny bit- a crack in the armor for someone to peer inside. "Grief doesn't change you, Hazel. It reveals you." I'm still thinking about this line. Tim's death has revealed to me that I am optimistic. I'm accepting.
My heart is still haunted by memories of Tim. Memories that will never leave, but perhaps will move and shift to make room for new memories. They will become brighter with my new memories, lighter, happier. They will be amplified and complemented by these new memories.
"Haunted Heart"- Little Hurricane
I’ll be your thief in the night so I can steal you.
I’ll be your church where you pray so I can heal you.
I’ll be your lover where you lay so I can feel you.
I’ll be your sunlight in your day so I can see you
You’ll be my life, when I am dead. I’ll be your calm, in the storm ahead
You’ll be the beat in my heart, when there is none.
You’ll be the air in my lungs, when my breath is done.
You’ll be the tears I cant cry, when I’m weeping.
You’re my only reason to keep from sleeping
You’ll be my life, when I am dead.
I’ll be you’re calm, in the storm ahead.
Tell my woman that I try to stay close still by her side.
Haunted Heart- Little Hurricane
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