Where The Kids Are.

"Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you..."

I realized last week that overall, this blog has quite the melancholy tune to it most of the time. I realize that this is because this blog is where I reflect, where I remember, where I choose to share my grief. It's a much better option than hanging on to Old Jess, and dressing her up in black clothes and allowing sadness and depression to make their home in her heart. I have to look at life now as leading 2 separate lives: Old Jess, that girl that lived before Tim died, and New Jess, the girl that lives now. There is no other way to departmentalize my grief with my happiness. Otherwise, every time I smile, I would feel like I shouldn't be, because Tim isn't. Because he's dead. And I shouldn't be happy. (I know, this is not true, but you can't help those feelings that creep up...). So today, is a happy blog. It's a happy blog because there are so many things in this life to be happy about.
I have laughed so much these past 2 weeks, that my stomach hurts, and it's adding to my hopeful 6-pack abs. There is no better way to go through my life right now than with an abundance of laughter and ear-to-ear grins. I have enjoyed 2 theme parks, stumbled through wine tasting in Temecula, enjoyed a random day, that led to a random evening exploring Pacific Beach dive bars, and luxuriously hung out by the pool at the Catamaran Spa. New Jess loves this life. She loves waking up and never checking the weather because it's always nice. She loves that she can drive only an hour and a half to get to the Happiest Place on Earth. She loves catching the sunset over the ocean. I've said it before, and I'll say it again probably every week- my friends and family make me smile, and laugh, and help me remember that I'm alive every day. That just because Tim is gone, that doesn't mean I'm completely gone too. It just means that I have changed, and I have adapted, and I have learned to live a new life that doesn't let the darkness in. It means that New Jess is allowed to enjoy a few months of being purely selfish (in a good way) and taking care of myself. For my heart, it means that I have known deep love, and a true partnership, and some people never get that. Some people never get the chance to have an epic love story- one that puts them on their feet, that makes them happy and sad, that makes them scream out loud and laugh out loud, that makes them feel like the world is complete. Because of this, I am able to live life happily, no matter what comes my way. I emerged OK. I emerged changed, different, but still OK. And still happy. It's seriously a wonder sometimes.

I love that line that I started with... "Grief doesn't change you, it reveals you." I see the world in a different light, and I believe that many people see me in a different light as well. I never knew that I was so strong. That I had such a voice. It was revealed to me that I am surrounded by the absolutely most incredible people, and that the world introduced me to people that have changed my perception and, overall, my life. I have found the joy in the world again, and I found it on my own. 

Tim sent me this song one day and wanted to go see this band in concert. We didn't end up going, but every time I hear this song, I think about him. I think about letting go and just living life with no fear. Living life as a kid. Running free, playing, laughing. I'm so happy that I have found my inner kid again. That I'm starting to find myself again. 

Where The Kids Are- Blondfire

I can't blame it all on you
Cause I'd be wrong
All in all, all all, in all
You're such a beautiful girl

Don't take my chances
Smile for the lenses

Live it up, you're growing up
Parties in the wilderness of life
Light it up, just give it up
Where the kids are running free tonight

The cars on the avenues
Can wait in line
All in all, all all, in all
Lived out this innocent time

Gold roads leave Kansas
Scarecrow loves dances

Live it up, you're growing up
Parties in the wilderness of life
Light it up, just give it up
Where the kids are running free tonight

They're running free tonight
They're running free
They're running free tonight

Live it up, you're growing up
Parties in the wilderness of life
Light it up, just give it up
Where the kids are running free tonight

Live it up, you're growing up
Parties in the wilderness of life
Light it up, just give it up
Where the kids are running free tonight

Where the kids are running free tonight
Where the kids are running free

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xVKFmNMQVTg