Passenger Seat.

“It seemed like forever ago, like we'd had this brief but still infinite forever. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities..."

I started reading "The Fault In Our Stars" by John Green this week. I've been avoiding reading it for quite some time, as it deals with a cancer love story that I'm sure ends up like mine, but I had an urge to read it, so I gave in. I've heard so many good things about this book, and the movie comes out this Spring, so I sat down at a coffee shop in Pacific Beach, and started on Page 1.
I fell in love immediately with the book because it reminded me so much of Tim. It's incredibly witty with cancer humor. It's made me laugh way more times than I have wanted to cry, mostly because I relate to all the things that she points out in the book, and Hazel points them out in a way that Tim would have. No sugar-coating, here's the reality of the situation, and that's how it is. She refers to "cancer perks", and I think Tim's favorite cancer perk was the Handicapped Parking Permit (or he would correct me with "It's Disabled!"). Tim's doctor offered after every visit to hook him up with a disabled parking pass for the times he didn't feel very well, but Tim would always refuse. He finally accepted this generous cancer perk, and let's face it, as San Diego residents, it was the best, though only, cancer perk he received. Unless you count the free bottle of water he got at the Amy Shumer show. He also would have gotten to go up and hang out with Oracle Team USA in San Francisco if the timing had worked out correctly. That would have been an awesome cancer perk to experience. I think he would also count how the nurses swooned over him as a cancer perk, though to be fair, they would have swooned anyway. I had to be prepared for a cat fight at any given time. I remember one ER nurse had all her IV tools resting in his lap (totally unprofessional- use the tray next to you, ya big dummy), and she kept rubbing his leg, and the entire time he was smiling and laughing in my direction. I had to stop my eyes from rolling out of my head. The only reason he was ever excited to go to the ER was to see how many nurses he could make fall in love with him. I miss that smirk on his face that said, "See? It's awesome."
I've been keeping pretty busy lately, and that definitely hasn't gone unnoticed by my friends and family. The reality is, I can't stay still for too long. I need to constantly be doing something. Monday night, I had nothing planned before my training session, and I was so antsy. I felt like I was just running circles around the house for no reason. I've been taking all that energy that didn't have a home after Tim died, and redirecting it toward myself, which is a good thing. Sherry has helped me set personal goals for myself, so I focus energy toward that, Sarabeth has me focusing energy on our adventure nights, and getting out in San Diego more, the dogs obviously focus my energy toward getting them out and about. I just feel like there are constantly things that I need to be doing, that I should be doing, and I really just wish I would just stop for a week. A week would be nice. I have been reading a TON more than I was (it's probably about time I actually get a library card), and some days, that's all I want to do. Escape into a book.
As you may know by now, my favorite band is Death Cab for Cutie. I love every one of their songs. Ben Gibbard could sing me "Heart of Darkness", and I would fall in love with it. When I hear his voice, I'm immediately calmed. Immediately in my own little sanctuary. Immediately home. I love "Passenger Seat" for several reasons- it's beautiful and hopeful. It reminds me of the happy times I spent with Tim just driving up the coast on little trips. Staring out the window at the vast ocean. I used to feel so anxious when we did these little coast drives before I lived out here- knowing that I would be leaving him and that moment could be heart-wrenching. I used to fight sleep so that I didn't miss a minute- a minute of him, a minute of laughing, a minute of the world.

 

Passenger Seat- Death Cab For Cutie

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

 

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

 

"Do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

 

When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide
For all time.
For all time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRxCmL1Yre0