The Scientist.

"He got into bed and we lay there together under the covers, me on my side, and Gus on his back, my head on his bony shoulder, his heat radiating through his polo shirt and into my skin, my foot tangled with his foot, my hand on his cheek. When I got his face nose-touchingly close so that I could only see his eyes, I couldn't tell he was sick. We kissed for awhile and then lay together listening to The Hectic Glow's eponymous album, and eventually we fell asleep like that, a quantum entanglement of tubes and bodies..."

After finishing The Fault In Our Stars this week, I have found myself going back and re-reading it. It's moments like the one described above that really hit my heart, that really bring me back to a year ago, that really suck the air out of my working lungs. That paragraph could have bee written about us, and this particular moment could have taken place any day of the week, when Tim was sick, and when he wasn't, when we were living apart or together. Moments like those are what I go back to- what I remember with so much emotion and heart, what I remember with a smile and sigh, what I long to go back to. Music was an important outlet for both of us- an escape, a way to emote. Tim almost always had music playing when we were laying in bed- we would lay there, listening to the words, silent except breathing, running hands through each other's hair, just being in the moment- our moment, like no one else existed in this world and we were the only one's left.
I've never had a great memory- I thank my dad for this annoying flaw, and it has been an issue of argument in the past with ex-boyfriends. I think even Tim would get annoyed with it- I sometimes can't remember the smallest things, or things that I heard the day before, or someone's name 5 seconds later. But I remember the important things with Tim. The moments that matter.
The First Time We Met- I was standing in the downstairs office hallway at Iron Pony, talking to a co-worker in their office, and Ivan and Tim walked through the door. We shook hands, and I can't remember anything that was said because my head was screaming inside. I was smiling like a fool.
The First Time We Kissed- 3 days later, while watching Eastbound and Down awkwardly on his iPhone.
The First Time I Said I Love You- 10 months later, on a street corner in Indianapolis.
When He Told Me He Had Cancer- Sitting on a park bench outside of the Laguna Cliffs hotel in Dana Point, while Sophie played with her frisbee. I was still in my bathing suit and cover up.
When He Told Me He Needed Me To Move Here- Security line at the San Diego airport. I was maybe 15 people away from getting through the line and to the other side.
The First He Told Me He Loved Me- The moment I pulled up and got out of the car from a long, hellish day of traveling and moving there. He looked so much worse than when I visited him a month prior. He gave me a huge hug.
When Doctor Reismann Told Us He Was In Remission- I skipped through the hospital parking lot, smiling, and laughing, and screaming. I had to go back to work and I wanted to shout it out loud from the rooftops.
When He Told Me The Cancer Had Come Back- He was sitting on the couch, playing video games. I kissed him goodnight and turned to go to bed. He said, "Guess What?" "What?" "It's back." "Huh? What's back?" "My cancer." I was dumbfounded. I went to bed and cried for 2 hours.
Our Last Real Moment Together, When He Wasn't In Too Much Pain, and Coherent- On his Last Good Day in the hospital, when everyone was visiting. We had about 30 minutes of alone time, with the door closed, and we just tangled ourselves together, a mess of bodies and tubes. He told me, "I'm sorry we haven't had much Bear Time together lately."
Our Last Kiss. 

This blog really helps me remember our time together- our numbered, yet amazing days. Days that will never be forgotten by me, days that will live on as some of the most beautiful days I have experienced in this life. Days and moments that are precious to my heart, my mind, my lungs. I appreciate you taking these journeys back with me, and helping me step forward. I appreciate you listening to my stories, to my "What Ifs", to my "If Tim were here" tales. Thank you for taking care of me in Tim's absence. I know he worried about me and what would happen to me if he passed away. I think he would be thankful that I'm surrounded by strong, loving, caring, and beautiful people. People that have acted as my legs to walk me forward, my brain to think straight, my eyes to see the world before me. People that laugh with me, that cry with me, that smile with me.
My favorite line in "The Scientist" is "Oh, take me back to the start". I wish to start our journey again. Take it from the start. From that first hand shake. From that first kiss. From that first "I love you". Before that last kiss. And everything in between.

The Scientist- Coldplay

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I'll set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A