So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past..."
I'm scared that I won't be able to balance my past and my future. I'm worried that I could be obsessed with the past, so it ruins my future. That I could be obsessed with my future, so I forget the past. There's a fine line to balance these two worlds. More like a weighted scale that I'm trying keep balanced and upright. This weekend, the scale crashed into the past, and I was forced to stay there until I could balance myself out again. I was having drinks and dinner with Meredith and Sean, and there was this moment where she went to kiss him on the cheek, and he stuck his tongue out the side of his mouth, and my scale tipped. Tim used to do that move to me all the time, and I don't think I've ever seen anyone else do that, or at least haven't noticed. That microscopic moment, one that most people wouldn't think twice about, sent me into a tailspin for two whole days. I couldn't dig myself out of it. I was completely filled with thoughts about Tim, and the montage started over and over and over again in my head. I finally settled down after a visit to the cemetery on Sunday. It was a beautiful day, and even though it was crowded due to the holiday, I felt at peace. I sprawled out on the grass, my fingers running through the blades and palms resting on the Earth. I turned on my music out loud, so Tim could listen too. I closed my eyes. I felt the sun beat into my skin. I breathed. And slowly the scale started to tip back toward the present. Toward the balance.
On the other side of the scale, I feel my future pulling at me. It's odd to me to be feel excited about a future without Tim in this world. But I remind myself that I deserve to be happy, and have a family of my own. I deserve to live this life to the fullest. He would want that. And if things were reversed, I would be looking down on him and saying the same thing. I just want you to be happy. I guess the universe has something else planned for me. At least I hope so. Spending my little infinity with Tim made me love more. It allowed me to feel something real. It revealed to me the kind of person I want to be. The kind of person that I am. Watching Tim die has allowed me not to fear death. It allowed me to feel emotions that I would never wish upon anyone, and yet have made me stronger. More confident. My past with Tim has molded me into this new person. Someone who can literally handle anything you throw at her. Someone who is loyal, and loves unconditionally. I hope my future is better for it.
I've been listening to this song, "Islands" a lot lately. I love Sara Bareilles and she can do no wrong, and this song is no exception. I do think of myself as an island. Isolated by my past and my emotions that people cannot relate to. I'm yearning to draw myself closer to the mainland, to be a part of a larger being again. It's a constant fear that my past will force me to stay an island- to not let anyone get too close for fear of losing them. When I'm an island, I'm safer. I can keep my emotions at bay. I can't get hurt. I can stay safe. But I will be looking at the mainland with longing and hope. Hope that one day I will be able to return.
Islands- Sara Bareilles
Waiting for the concrete black top to settle down
Long enough for me to get off and get a little ground
I'm ready for the sea change
Helpless felt this coming from a mile away
And now you're looking at me babe, and how we'll separate if we can
Cause I still count on one hand the number of good men I know
It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself that that's what I am
You always dirty up the windows
If you keep 'em at bay that way no one's gonna surprise you by getting too close
Anybody but me though
You've made exceptions to you rules
And now we're staring down truth neither one of us wants to know
It's like I'm standing on the edge with just a telephone wire
Trying to get to you first to say the world's on fire
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise
When will you realize
You must become an island
You must become an island
You must become an island
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
And see for yourself the horizon is all we have
Holding my breath until I know you're alright
Because the water will only rise..
Islands
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