Eucalyptus

"It seemed to me that I had already seen everything pure and good in the world, and I was beginning to suspect that even if death didn't get in the way, the kind of love that Augustus and I share could never last. So dawn goes down to day, the poet wrote. Nothing gold can stay..."

When I pass by remnants of my past life with Tim, it feels like the world pauses for a moment, and I'm sucked back in time. Back to a time of love and laughter. Of sadness and hope. Of pain and suffering. Of light and gold. I pass by our old apartments- the first one that he and Joe lived in, the first place I called home here. We had no furniture for a month, except bedroom furniture. We curled up on his bed and watched The Daily Show on his Mac, scrolled through Netflix, listened to music. I made every meal and started trying to fatten him up while I looked for a job. Despite him being so sick when I first moved here, I was so incredibly happy to be in his presence. To be sleeping next to him every night. To know that I wasn't leaving in the morning, and we would both be there the next day. I pass by our other apartment- the one we made our home. The one we put our personalities into. The one where we laughed, cried, argued, smiled. The one where I cooked meals every night for him. The one where we had a schedule of TV shows that we watched every night together. The one where I walked in and he was there waiting for me. I pass by these places almost on a daily/weekly basis, and I think about these moments every time.

I appreciate everyone being patient with me while I walk through my grief. While I try to figure out this new life, and this new "beginning". It can't be easy to be my friend. To deal with my mixed bag of emotions. To not flinch when I so nonchalantly talk about Tim's death, because I know no other way to talk about it anymore but to be upfront. I will say that's a constant struggle- telling people whom I've just met the reason I moved out here. Let's face it- it's the first question I'm asked when I meet someone new. Most of us out here are transplants, so there has to be a reason, other than the sunshine and amazing weather, right? I used to dodge the question, but those pesky people would just keep asking away, so I eventually would just blurt it out. No one is ever prepared, and they don't know what to say, and then I feel the need to apologize for making the conversation turn awkward, though I shouldn't have to. But my friends get it. I feel safe enough with them to talk about it in normal conversation. To not hide or censor myself. I think maybe that's a tough part for dealing with grief- you don't want to seem like an emotional burden to your friends and family, so you just don't talk about it with them. Too bad for my family and friends, who I have deemed my therapists. And every one of them has stepped up to the plate, and listened, and not judged me, and gave me their love and support, even to this day, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The first band that Tim told me to listen to was The Deadly Syndrome. He texted me the week after we met to listen to "Emily Paints" and "Eucalyptus". They came out with 3 albums pretty fast, then broke up even faster. But I only think about Tim when I hear them, and little did I know that several of their songs would help me through my grief of losing him. I like this song because it creates a similar world to mine- First, a world where Tim and I hid from the outside world and just enjoyed our time together. Second, a world where I had to say goodbye to him, and see what else is on the other side- "I think I see a distant light, I need to find out what those are..." Here's to me finding those lights.

Eucalyptus- The Deadly Syndrome

I'll plant a row
Of eucalyptus
And they will grow
Up to protect us
They'll block the rain, oh
With their salty leaves
They'll keep the wind oh
From our short short sleeves
Well if he comes
And tries to find us
We'll just grab hold
Branches above us
And we'll sit up here
We will wait a year
We'll come back, oh
We'll come back when the coast is clear
Oh no.. oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
It's a row, (a row), a row
A row of stumps surrounding us
It's bright and cold and lonesome
We must have cut them down in our sleep
In our sleep we must have cut down all the trees
Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no
And now the wind, it hits our sleeves
It's freezing we got colder
Older, we got older
Without those trunks surrounding us
I can see for miles tonight
And I think I see a distant light
And I need to find out what those are
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Sorry about the stumps
Sorry about the stumps
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You're sitting here on bloody knees
Where once were eucalyptus trees
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
See you in the night

Eucalyptus